To not want DP to rent a flat for his 16 year old brother

[TheCrimson]

My partner has a younger brother, he’s 17 on tuesday his parents adopted him when he was around 1 and despite an age gap he's always been close to his brother even after he moved out and then moved a few hours away he still saw him often

We've been together for 5 years and I remember him being 12/13 and coming to stay with DP, (then both of us when I moved in when he was about 14) for the odd weekend and some days during the school holidays, basically whenever he wanted and he was always a sweet kid

He would talk street or like a ‘roadman’ from about a few months before he turned 15 which it did seem ridiculous as he lives in a nice little village outside of a niceish town (not rough by any means!) but everyone left him to it tbh but then his attitude and things changed we dont see him daily so we don't know what happened if anything but it did seem sudden and even partners parents didn't know what changed but he started getting distant with dp when previously they were close and DP would still gone on holidays with his parents etc (i would sometimes go but not anyways).

He failed his GCSEs and I believe he didn’t do any revision but dp hired a lamborghini to take him to his prom - we aren’t made of money it was about £500 which could’ve gone on other things but he wanted to do it for his brother

Then his parents found out he was smoking weed and cigarettes and hanging out with the wrong people and his parents didn’t know where he was and things have just spiralled in a year if that. He was eventually removed from college due to his attendance and attitude when he was there and because that bit of routine had gone it made things worse. His dad works away and long hours so his mum was constantly calling DP as he doesnt listen to either parent even when his dad is there. They don’t know where he is half the time etc

Partner has been down there multiple times whenever his mum calls but nothing improves as he doesn’t listen to DP anymore either.

A couple weeks ago he was accused of spiking a girl’s drink , he denied it and the girl didn’t know it was him 100% as they were with other people and he denied it. Police were involved but it didn’t go anywhere then his parents told him they didn’t want him in the house if he was going to continue the same behaviours especially as they didn’t know what he was taking. He didn’t go home for a while and he told DP that they kicked him out and he was staying with his “friends” he did go home but his mum had said he’d been blanking them

Yesterday DP picked him up and they came back here to celebrate his birthday they went for food and to the cinema and they drank together and I left them to it after his brother made comments about girls playing “mind games” and how he gets bored after a month and things like that. DP did pull him up on it and say maybe he’s too young for a relationship etc etc. DP said he didn’t say much but they talked about general things and he went outside to smoke weed

Hes now got this idea that he’s thinking of looking for a flat to rent for his brother (we aren’t made of money like i said above) to live here and he’ll get into college here and have a fresh start. Im not sure how it’ll work and I don’t know if it’s a good idea and it’s our money not just his. It’s also too late for a college place this year I think? Finding a flat also won’t be super fast I don’t think so i don’t know what he’s going to do in the meantime

AIBU here? I feel like Im being selfish and he wants to help his brother but maybe it’s not the right way

This sounds absolutely insane.
A teenager who drinks, smokes weed, got kicked out of college, speaks in a derogatory manor and disrespects his parents.... no thanks, he doesn't deserve a massive handout like a flat.

Can I ask why your DP was drinking with him and allowing him to smoke weed outside your house? Surely that's just encouraging the behaviour?

I'm all for trying to help people but it doesn't sound like he wants help, nor has he hit rock bottom.

What’s the alternative, make him homeless? That would be a disaster for him. Sounds like he’s a fucking nightmare but in serious need of support and guidance. His being adopted is relevant in all this too - seems like he’s feeling lost and unsure of his identity and place in the world.

No one is going to rent a flat to a 17 year old.

It really annoys me that you mention him being adopted. He’s his brother. The fact that he is adopted is totally irrelevant.

When you say you moved in together, how did that happen? Is it your home and he moved in with you or vice versa? Or did you find a new place together and pay 50/50?

I'd be inclined to tell your partner to move in with his brother if you can afford it. Otherwise keep finances separate and he can pay for his brother out of his own money.

I think putting him in flat on his own would be bonkers but he obviously doesn’t want to burden or put you under the pressure of moving him in.

I think his parents might need a bit of support as a lot research says this age can present some issue for adopted children so they seek out some help.

and sit down and have a some normal and frank conversations or engage in some family counselling / mediation with someone who specialises in adoptive family dynamics.

he also clearly needs some robust role models and input from people he respects outside of his parents. Maybe a mentoring programme that works with teen boys

Do you live together, share finances or have children together?

DP means he pay rent and he’s on the tenancy agreement and his brother would live there

Not fair on a landlord OP, to do that.

No landlord on their right mind would accept that arrangement and you can guarantee they’d know about it once the parties started and the weed smoking increases.
My first thought was he’s running county lines as I know another teen who changed dramatically when they got involved with this.

Sounds like falling in with the wrong crowd was a disaster plus he might have attachment trauma from his first year. Shame his dad works away so much. Did he get counselling to help him feel secure in his identity?

Don't tknow what to say about the flat, ideally he'd live with adults who could guide him, but he sounds such a handful. Probably there'd be all sorts of unsuitable people coming to his flat if he lived alone.

Best of luck, it's very difficult for you both.

Asking for problems. Brother is for sure going to have friends living with him within the month. Drug use will cause problems with the landlord. Deposit will be lost because a 17 year old is unlikely to keep the house clean.

I understand that DP is desperate to help his brother - but this sounds like a disaster.

Terrible idea. Not just for your sakes, but the brothers - if he's trying to be a bit of a 'road man', having his own flat will absolutely make him a target by other people who will want a place to crash/smoke/party/deal from
If he's homeless, seek advice from children's services, there's supported accommodation they can arrange for this age group, or they can meditate to help get him back home.

Cannabis farm before the ink dries.

Do you have shared finances with DP?

The lad is in need of serious intervention and help, not a flat. I assume he's not in any type of therapy which hw probably needs

No it's not. It's quite important.

My DS was adopted, the trauma of what happened to him in those early months are very deep rooted and part of his personality. He has had a lot of counselling and does, now he is in his mid 20s, understand that he can be driven by unhealthy emotions.

My DS needs to overcome this, but he needs help and support to do so.

I suspect there is some of that at play with OPs brother-in-law.

Of course people can get college places for September now. You can actually start in October or even later in some colleges.
There are always adverts on the radio/local pages/adverts on bus posters. Unless you're not in the UK, it seems amazing you've never seen/heard them.

If you aren't married, even if you have a joint bank account, I'm not sure your partner's money is legally yours (seek legal advice, not claiming to know), so you can't stop him helping his brother, though obviously you don't have to give him any of your money and you can presumably keep it separate if you want.

Sounds like a bonkers idea!

@TheCrimson i honestly wouldn't. If anything goes wrong its going to be your partner who will be responsible for him

And following on from post above, as a parent of an nightmare adopted teen, the last thing he needed would have been left to his own devices in a flat on his own. Self destruction would have followed fairly quickly.

He does need structure and boundaries and being held to account, albeit not in a Draconian way - he still needs parenting, basically. It would be lovely if it were possible he could live with you, but that is a big thing to take on.

Good point well-made

Crazy idea. What if he has his dodgy mates around doing drugs and all sorts of illegal things.
What if he or they wreck the flat. Sounds like a big possibility given his behaviour. Partner will have to bill to pay for that.
It’s not the solution at all.

"falling in with the wrong crowd" he is the wrong crowd,wannabe gangster,the weed +whatever else,spiking a girls drink(implicated).

Putting him in a flat under older brothers name has disaster written all over it.
Cue anti social behaviour,police visits,gathering place for other miscreants,prime candidate for cuckooing ,if busted with drugs that debt can also follow him.
Your do would be mad to even consider it.

I don’t think it’s fair that the parents essentially pass the responsibility of their child onto their other child.
I wonder if they have always expected DH to have more of a parental role.

Although I moved out an early age and it matured me, it was not easy and I can easily see how a young person may spiral with all the added responsibilities/freedom.

DH could look into a college close by that has accommodation.
That way he gets the best of both worlds.