In-laws

[Twinkylightsg]

Hey all,

Just keep seeing these posts where people say DH/OH to speak to MIL/SIL/BIL etc because they want something sorted out or are upset about how the person has spoken to them.

Am I the only one who thinks if you marry someone and are thinking of staying with them for the longterm that you need to be able to speak to these people on your own? If MIL says something upsetting then why not just tell them then and there and set a boundary? If BIL crosses a line with you why not speak to them directly?

I am not saying OH/DH shouldn't also speak with them but why not set your boundary first and have OH/DH support you after ? Why are people waiting for their man to sort out their boundaries?

At the end of the day you are married to the person and more often then not if the person you are married to is close with their family and not going to cut ties if you can't find a way to manage your relationship with them isn't the relationship doomed to fail?

Don't know if any of this makes sense but a lot of times I read the post and am surprised the posters don't say anything in the moment and expect their OH to handle it.

Enlighten me, am I being unreasonable to think this way?

You're married to the person not the family. They are not your responsibility and I think women in general would be happier in marriage if they didn't take on the general responsibility for their husbands family. Remembering birthday, buying presents, arranging visits, managing boundaries and addressing issues. Not your responsibility.

I personally think YABU. Yes you need to be able to communicate effectively but big decisions are just so much better handled directly imo. We’re currently in the process of lending someone in my DH’s family quite a large sum of money. Yes I could technically be the one talking to them about it but honestly it’s just so much better being handled by DH as it’s his family.

Fair in that aspect, and I don't mean for women to take on all the communication. I just mean if your mil/fil do or say something you don't like in front of you, why not say it there and then. Why wait for them to go home then tell your OH you were offended and speak to them.

I mean more direct communication with you. A lot of posts have been "OH needs to speak to their dad/mum because they did x or y and I don't like it".

I agree with you op. It's a bit like expecting someone to fight your battles for you. One of my sil is an absolutey awful person, one of her children moved to Australia and when she came back for a month she only saw her mum twice she is that horrible. Anyway I asked her about a party she was having and she was proper nasty, I'd obviously upset her which is easily done and she wanted to speak to dh as she wasn't happy with my attitude. I just told her to fuck off and haven't spoken to her since. Neither has dh to be fair. I am more than capable of setting my own boundaries.

Yes this is what I mean. I understand you married OH, but at the end of the day you are an adult and they are adults. Handle it yourself 🤷‍♀️ good on you BTW!!

I agree OP, I speak to MIL directly I have an issue, I don’t go off to DH and asked to talk to her. I would deal with it there and then. I would tell him about it though.

YANBU but this is Mumsnet where most posters are busy being too stunned, gobsmacked and shaking to speak.

And obviously they ‘don’t like confrontation’…

Because if I said what I wanted to it would be nuclear.

So to save any family relationship dh deals with them.

Unlike my mother I could genuinely tell
to piss off because she was getting on my nerves my mil would get offended on behalf of an ant let alone if I called her out.

I do not like my in-laws, but I put up with them.

If the family member related by blood raises the issue it's less likely that offence will be taken because they get the family leeway. And the in law being talked to has more of an interest in compromising due to the stronger bond between the two. So yes yabu because it will often make very good sense for the related family member to do the talking as they have been in the family a lot longer and knows how best to do it.

I've no problem telling fil he's a cunt, and in lots of ways it's saved dh as fil can be very "my precious boy" about him.

That side sil and BIL I'm a bit more diplomatic but very open.

My own two brothers wife/partner, love db1s, she's completely the opposite of me, posh as fuck but takes me with good form and a smile, a high flying criminal barrister in London, she's fucking brilliant and loves me. Db2s partner, he won't ever marry , I fucking HATE her nowadays and the kids groan when they hear she's visiting. Almost a year ago she got carried away on wine and started bitching about my brother, I nearly smacked her. She has 6 other kids, yes 8 in total, my brother paid for them. That dickhead moaning he worked 12 hours, before they had their kids. I got her told. Not seen her since bon fire night last year now....

Speak up

I’ve spent the day listening to racist and misogynistic crap coming out of my MIL’s mouth. I am furious. But I cannot say anything or it would be terminal. I just get up and go to the loo. A lot. But actually, this evening, I feel like I’m too old for this shit and would love to cut all contact. But what can you do!! Marriage!!!