AIBU to think I should leave after my husband’s distance?

[InfernalRuin]

Ive been married for 5 years.
Unfortunately, at the beginning of the year I struggled with my mental health and had a manic episode that involved me verbally threatning to kill my husband. I have had 3 manic episodes since that have ended with me in hospital.

I understand my husband is very traumatised about this and I have been doing everything that he asked of me. I have been engaging in support, taking my medication and following safety plans.

Obviously, things are not great between us.
I have offered to leave, and he says he doesn't want that, he loves me and things are shit but we will work through them and they will get better. He says he wants things to go back to the way they were.

I want that to, but I am really struggling with the coldness and the distance and I feel it's actually hindering my progress.
I do love him, but I don't believe he loves me.
I have this overwhelming feeling that he is keeping me around to keep an eye on me, because its more convenient childcare wise and financially.
When ever I tell him this is how im feeling, he just says that is not the case, but he never asks why I feel that way or what he can do to make me feel better. This morning I was curled in a ball on the bed crying and he just kissed me on the head and said he loves me and went to work. He never asked what was wrong or if i was ok.

I understand I deserve this, but I have been thinking that maybe I should just leave. I dont want to, I want our marriage to get better but I just cant live with this level of anxiety anymore.

He is not supposed to be drinking in the home, as part of our safety plan, but he is drinking every night. He doesnt come to bed, he sleeps on the sofa, even though our son is now in his own bed.
I just feel so alone and confused.
We havent had sex this year. He says he needs counselling to get over what happened before he can be with me in that way again. I've honestly considered having an affair, just to feel close to someone.

I dont trust my own thoughts with this, so wanted to some outside opinions and was wondering if any of you could provide me with that.

I’m too scared to talk to him as I don’t want to upset him. But having all the housework on top of working full time, and him drinking every night and sleeping on the sofa so I have to get up with little one and trying to keep myself stable is getting quite overwhelming and I don’t want to get unwell again.

Be firm, be strong. Force him to have a conversation, tell him he made a promise - in sickness and in health, he knew about your diagnosis, you are his wife, not some random partner or girlfriend. Now you need to get better and he has to step up. Tell him what you need him to do and make him do it. You owe it to your children. Don't give a fuck if he is upset - you need to be prioritised now, or this situation will continue for ever. Write down what you need him to do, tell him to do it. Explain what it will do to your family and children and how doing it will benefit you all.

FWIW I agree with this excellent post.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this op, it’s really hard and unfair, but I think your expectations of your dh are unrealistic.

Obviously, things are not great between us.
I have offered to leave, and he says he doesn't want that, he loves me and things are shit but we will work through them and they will get better. He says he wants things to go back to the way they were

^^ Tbh I found this response from your dh really loving and honest and I don’t think you can expect much more at this stage.

He is also being a bit unrealistic when he says he wants things to go back to the way they were.

Also, saying this very gently, but to expect him to become more loving towards you when you are curled in to a ball and crying, indicates that you are still not well, or not seeing things quite objectively perhaps?

I have no qualifications in this area whatsoever but your post does come across as quite impatient and impulsive (the thoughts of affairs etc) and quite needy (like you don’t feel whole as a person, independent of your dh’s current “rejection”) and EUPD did spring to my mind before you mentioned it in the thread.

But to get on to safer ground op, he’s just a bloke! 😄. And you know he is at his limit and not coping well bc of the drinking. He probably doesn’t feel able to open up to you atm bc men are conditioned to take problems on to their own shoulders and find solutions and not complain. He’s shouldering a lot atm and doesn’t have bandwidth for anything more. And he probably doesn’t want to add to your burdens when he sees you as fragile so will be distancing himself slightly.

The more needy and emotional that you appear to him, the less able he will be able to trust you with his insecurities because, as a pp rightly said, he won’t feel it’s appropriate to engage with you romantically when he sees you as emotionally unbalanced. He might feel like he is taking advantage?

To me it sounds like you have a really genuine and good man there.

Of course you deserve love and attention, what happened wasn’t your fault and it was your illness talking and not you, and this is really, really difficult for you, but I think the best thing you can do for your marriage is to focus on yourself and get stronger and more emotionally independent and more even in your moods and focus on friends and hobbies and good sleep, exercise and diet and build yourself up that way.

Good luck 💐

Have just read this update op.

I know it’s easy to say and not at all easy to obtain but I think you need some outside support for both of you maybe in the form of a pt nanny or cleaner or something?

Are you getting all of the benefits that you are entitled to?

Or would it be possible to reduce your hours a little?

The current situation as it is doesn’t sound sustainable.

We’re not entitled to any benefits. He absolutely won’t get a cleaner, I have spoken to him about it before. He doesn’t trust someone in the house.

I don't know if this is the way to go. He sounds depressed too and he's an alcoholic. He's still going to work and keeping going but I'm not sure telling him to prioritise the OP and not giving a fuck if he's upset is going to solve anything. He's been through hell with her and is still coping with her crying at him and everything else the OP has described. Knowing someone has a diagnosis does not bind you to enduring everything they throw at you forever with no impact on the level of love and devotion you have left to give. I'm not saying the answer is easy, this is a dysfunctional situation with a mentally unwell mum and an alcoholic dad, but I'm pretty sure it can't involve not giving a fuck how he feels. Again I think more professional help is the first step. Trying to get two people in this state to sort it out between them is not likely to lead to good solutions.

Have just read this update op.

It’s quite a drip feed that he’s an alcoholic and not “just” drinking as a result of the stress of your mh episodes which is what your op implies.

I’m really sorry. Your mh will not have been improved by the stress of being married to an alcoholic,

Agree this situation requires professional intervention.

Fair point.

I love him very much and of course care about how he is feeling, infact that’s pretty much my entire focus atm! But I do need some support with managing the day to day, just as I have supported him over the years with his mental health.

I didn't mean to drip feed at all, I just posted very much focused from my point of view.
I am doing things to support him, its not all one sided.
Things I am doing for him:
Engaging with support
Staying up late to spend time with him when he gets home from work (he doesnt get home till around 11pm)
Taking on more of the house hold responsibilities
Helping him with doing referrals to support services for support with drinking, mental health etc
Talking worries through with someone else first and taking time to sit on it before going to him.
Trying to show more interest in his hobbies.
Letting him come to me, asking him first for hugs etc.
Making an effort with his family (who hate me.)

I am really trying. But i do need to balance it a bit to keep myself steady for him and the kids. And it is hard making a huge effort and not feeling like I am getting anything back (again, my issues not his.)

It sounds like you are doing a lot for him op which adds up to a huge amount on top of child-rearing, working and your own fragile mh.

I think you need more professional support honestly and to discuss all this with someone qualified to help.

But fwiw, I think you need to protect yourself first and foremost for your sake and that of your dc. And if you find yourself in a position where your dh’s alcoholism is putting too much pressure on you, which it sounds like it is, then you need to step away, I am afraid.

Ultimately we are all responsible for our selves and our own behaviour.

I am, but I need to, if I want to fix things I guess.

Sorry op, but it’s simply not possible, and not your job, to “fix” someone else’s alcoholism. They have to do that themselves.

It’s a cliché but the only control you have is over your response to the situation.

Maybe you need spaçe from each other anß to heal separately. If you have another episode and he's not functionig clearly through drink, it could be a disaster. Who's to say you dont end up in a physical fight. I dont thonk you sound healthy together.

I have asked for space but he won't, he says it's not a good idea and he doesn't want us to be apart.
I just need to be more patient.

Well, the very fact you have asked for something and he isnt listening should tell you a lot. I knew a couple where the woman had manic delusions . She was becoming a danger to herself. She moved out and then she and the man got back together about 18 months later when she'd had meds and therapy and was much better.

I have been on the other end of a good friends psychosis. It took me a good couple of years to be able to get past it. It was an awful experience. I love her, but it took a long time for the trust come back.

On a practical note, @InfernalRuin are your mental health team aware of your working patterns (yours and your husband's) and are they supportive of it?

A full-time job worked over three days followed by solo parenting while your husband does the same ought to be contraindicated for someone with symptoms/diagnosis like yours.