AIBU to think I should leave after my husband’s distance?

[InfernalRuin]

Ive been married for 5 years.
Unfortunately, at the beginning of the year I struggled with my mental health and had a manic episode that involved me verbally threatning to kill my husband. I have had 3 manic episodes since that have ended with me in hospital.

I understand my husband is very traumatised about this and I have been doing everything that he asked of me. I have been engaging in support, taking my medication and following safety plans.

Obviously, things are not great between us.
I have offered to leave, and he says he doesn't want that, he loves me and things are shit but we will work through them and they will get better. He says he wants things to go back to the way they were.

I want that to, but I am really struggling with the coldness and the distance and I feel it's actually hindering my progress.
I do love him, but I don't believe he loves me.
I have this overwhelming feeling that he is keeping me around to keep an eye on me, because its more convenient childcare wise and financially.
When ever I tell him this is how im feeling, he just says that is not the case, but he never asks why I feel that way or what he can do to make me feel better. This morning I was curled in a ball on the bed crying and he just kissed me on the head and said he loves me and went to work. He never asked what was wrong or if i was ok.

I understand I deserve this, but I have been thinking that maybe I should just leave. I dont want to, I want our marriage to get better but I just cant live with this level of anxiety anymore.

He is not supposed to be drinking in the home, as part of our safety plan, but he is drinking every night. He doesnt come to bed, he sleeps on the sofa, even though our son is now in his own bed.
I just feel so alone and confused.
We havent had sex this year. He says he needs counselling to get over what happened before he can be with me in that way again. I've honestly considered having an affair, just to feel close to someone.

I dont trust my own thoughts with this, so wanted to some outside opinions and was wondering if any of you could provide me with that.

I look after them when he’s at work and he looks after them when I’m at work

OP, it is pretty hard to get past when your partner (and co/parent of your children) threatens to kill you, whatever the reason. It’s hard to feel straightforward romantic feelings towards someone who has been profoundly and dangerously unstable, very recently and for a prolonged period.

It’s not your fault, but it’s how it is.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved and desired, but I don’t think it’s realistic to expect your husband to snap back as though the threats and hospitalisations never happened.

It is also healthy and normal for a man not to feel sexual feelings for a partner who is vulnerable, and possibly not in an appropriate mental or emotional state to consent to sex.

Your DH is a person, too, and is presumably under a lot of stress working and taking care of DC’s and trying to keep everyone safe. I can imagine he can’t afford to open the can of worms that is your marital dissatisfaction before he goes to the office of a morning. He’s the only one capable of keeping his shit together for the family right now, and I imagine that is taking all his energy.

Again, this is not your fault - but his perspective and experience matters here, too, and I’m not sure you’re able to see it.

You’re not wrong to want what you want, but I think you are expecting more than he can reasonably give at the moment.

This is what happens when serious mental illness strikes a family - there is just not enough to go around, and nobody feels secure enough or loved enough, and the whole system needs robust external professional help.

I hope you all get what you need.

FFS don't have an affair.

Op, do you work nights?

If you have had hospital admissions in this country you should have a discharge and care plan in place under a secondary care team.

Have you been open to accepting support from CMHT and consider review of your difficulties for a diagnosis or are you fixated on retaining Bipolar diagnosis? Have they suggested a diagnosis you disagree with?

You wouldn’t normally be seen in primary care with a bipolar diagnosis either Why were your meds not switched over during pregnancy?

I think you still need support and need to consider how to engage with which ever service. You sound quite paranoid and need to manage this before you spiral further

You threatened to kill him though - that's not something that can be simply forgotten, even if it was in the midst of a manic episode.

Won’t sertraline be a disaster for mania? Are you on a mood stabiliser as well?

If Sertraline is the only medication you are on you need to go to the emergency department. It will absolutely send you into another manic or mixed episode if you’re not on your way there already.

Your husband is bracing himself for your next manic phase to hit and worrying about what you will do when it does. He can see that you're emotionally all over the place. Meanwhile he's got responsibilities that he's having to juggle and no safe space to express his fears.

Meanwhile, you're expecting him to forget all that and instantly bounce back to how he was before all this happened because that's what you feel would be best for you.

Your mental health problems are not your fault. But you are being unreasonable and unfair to your husband to put even more on him by accusing him of hindering your recovery because he's not over it quickly enough for you.

It's going to take time. He obviously loves you and cares for you because he's still there despite you telling him you want to murder him. Afford him as much grace as he's affording you.

I think you have to take what he’s saying at face value. It’s hard when that’s not how it feels for you at the moment but he’s trying to do what is right because he wants to do so.

It sounds like you have intense paranoia. You need help with that.

He has told you what he wants, take him on face value. I'm sorry I'm not trying to have a go but you admit that you've put him through a lot.

You have to stop demanding more from him, how about as part of a partnership you ask yourself what you can do for him.

We both work unsociable hours which is awful for our relationship as we hardly see each other but he is looking for another job as he hates his job. But yes, I tend to work 40 hours over 3 days and sleep there.

Very open!
Thye have floated eupd but there has been no formal assessment and I don’t agree with the diagnosis as my mood shifts are prolonged and not necessarily triggered by anything specific.
Though, I would happily have treatment for it and explore further options but it’s been a bit of a shit show.

Individuals often dispute eupd
Its contentious
In the face of no alternative what choice do you have? You may need long term specialist therapy for that.

No i agree and i am accepting of the support.
But I work very closely with eupd, it’s a condition i know very well.

You don't sound fully well tbh. I know you're doing the work and medicated and I'm not pretending to diagnose anyone here, but you still sound depressed and like your moods and thought processes are quite extreme. This:

When ever I tell him this is how im feeling, he just says that is not the case, but he never asks why I feel that way or what he can do to make me feel better. This morning I was curled in a ball on the bed crying and he just kissed me on the head and said he loves me and went to work. He never asked what was wrong or if i was ok.

You can't expect him to say the things you want and want to know why and how to make you better. He knows why you feel that way, in the sense that it's because that's how you think, and he's tried to make you feel better in the past and must know it doesn't really work because he can't be responsible for the feelings of someone in this kind of spiral, who's crying all the time and will think the worst and take things the wrong way. He's probably exhausted, walking on eggshells, doing his best to keep the family together, but he's only human, has flaws of his own, and is not there to manage your fears and anxieties about what level of love is right for this point in your marriage and trying to make it what it was, which is impossible.

He kissed you and told you he loves you. If that's not enough, then you need to find the resources in yourself - and with therapy - to work through your feelings and get to a place where you're well enough not to be dwelling on all of this and needing so much more from him than he can give. It's a shame he doesn't have the bandwidth for couples' counselling. Maybe if you can get on a more even keel then it might be more possible and you might become closer again.

But that's not going to happen when you're in this place, and unless you know how leaving would work - in the sense that you've got a plan for separate homes and a co-parenting set-up that would genuinely function better for everyone - then I don't think leaving is the answer. You already need more than he can give, and if you're on your own, no one would kiss you and say they love you, let alone care what was wrong with you or why you were crying and want to help. Maybe your parents, if that's what you were thinking, that you've move in with them. But this idea that you'd be single and seeing other people who'd make you feel better feels like a desperate escape plan and isn't very realistic. I think you need more professional help from somewhere and I hope you can get it, and build from there. None of this is your fault, or his. It will take a lot more time but you'll be stronger from going through it than spiralling and running away. 💐

You are not well. I think your husband is doing the best he can.
An affair will make things worse.

I’m not thinking of leaving as a punishment, I genuinely think he and the kids would be better off without me.

so if ops not responsible for him, he’s not for her?
why shouldn’t be allowed to have a drink if he wants? It always seems to be on mn, “WE made a plan!” I always thought wonder how jointly the plan is actually.

It was a plan out in place by social services as a safety plan becuse he is an alcoholic.

Did you tell your dh before marriage about being diagnosed as bipolar 10 years ago?

You sound very self-focused, is this part of your diagnosis? You seem to minimise the impact on him as well which won't be helping.

He needs to stop the alcohol and book his individual counselling.

I wonder if he has a fear of splitting and leaving the kids with you 50% of the time in case you have another episode and he's not there.

And you think him and the kids would be better off without you??

I think there's a lot of problems going on and you need more help. You need more help medically so you're not caught in these paranoid thoughts and upset. And if he's not sticking to the ss plan, what action would ss take? Did he admit he was an alcoholic? Has he engaged with any services? Sounds like he has problems he needs to deal with rather than doing more to help you with yours, but that doesn't mean you can up and leave him to manage the kids on his own.

Yes of course.

Then he has to pull his weight, pronto! Make him!