AIBU to think I should leave after my husband’s distance?

[InfernalRuin]

Ive been married for 5 years.
Unfortunately, at the beginning of the year I struggled with my mental health and had a manic episode that involved me verbally threatning to kill my husband. I have had 3 manic episodes since that have ended with me in hospital.

I understand my husband is very traumatised about this and I have been doing everything that he asked of me. I have been engaging in support, taking my medication and following safety plans.

Obviously, things are not great between us.
I have offered to leave, and he says he doesn't want that, he loves me and things are shit but we will work through them and they will get better. He says he wants things to go back to the way they were.

I want that to, but I am really struggling with the coldness and the distance and I feel it's actually hindering my progress.
I do love him, but I don't believe he loves me.
I have this overwhelming feeling that he is keeping me around to keep an eye on me, because its more convenient childcare wise and financially.
When ever I tell him this is how im feeling, he just says that is not the case, but he never asks why I feel that way or what he can do to make me feel better. This morning I was curled in a ball on the bed crying and he just kissed me on the head and said he loves me and went to work. He never asked what was wrong or if i was ok.

I understand I deserve this, but I have been thinking that maybe I should just leave. I dont want to, I want our marriage to get better but I just cant live with this level of anxiety anymore.

He is not supposed to be drinking in the home, as part of our safety plan, but he is drinking every night. He doesnt come to bed, he sleeps on the sofa, even though our son is now in his own bed.
I just feel so alone and confused.
We havent had sex this year. He says he needs counselling to get over what happened before he can be with me in that way again. I've honestly considered having an affair, just to feel close to someone.

I dont trust my own thoughts with this, so wanted to some outside opinions and was wondering if any of you could provide me with that.

Things sound difficult enough without throwing an affair into the mix!!!!
Sounds like you need some couples counselling as well as counselling apart.

He doesn't want to do couples counselling atm as he says he has too much on his plate but will look into single counselling for himself.

I think you need to talk all this through with your CMHT professional. It sounds like a stage of your illness/recovery, although your DH does need to keep his part of the bargain to keep alcohol out of the house.

Things sound very challenging for you - but also for him. Definitely don't add an affair into the mix! I think you would benefit from therapy to figure out why you feel unloved. Some of it may be to do with his actions, but I suspect, nothing he would say or do could convince you he loves you, which is probably why he didn't bother asking you why you feel the way you do. He will have his own emotions to work through. Unlike children who you love unconditionally, in my experience it is hard to love partners in the same way - love is conditioned on reciprocity and care, and what you describe of your manic episodes and the situation between you doesn't seem to have left much room for care, reciprocity and good will between you both.

And, yes, he needs to keep alcohol out of the house. Although I imagine it is his coping mechanism (unhealthy though it is).

That sounds very difficult and you have my sympathies. There are several things to unpick here. Importantly, you don’t deserve anything bad. You were ill and your actions were those of a very unwell person. You have shown you’ve taken responsibility for yourself and made positive changes. Your husband’s trauma won’t be solved by the changes you make. It will help reassure him and build trust in you, but he needs to deal with what he went through and how he feels about it. He is not taking responsibility for himself in that respect, or you by not following the plan. You are not responsible for him but you are affected by his actions. I would encourage him to go to counselling if he isn’t already. And give him some time and leniency. But it’s ok to want more and better from him. And if he can’t offer that, then bigger decisions need to be made.

Your actions when you were unwell do not mean you deserve less. Best of luck, OP.

CMHT won't take me on as they disagree with my bipolar diagnosis (even though I ws diagnosed 10 years ago.)

Do you think Im expecting too much?

I just wish he would love me the way he used to. I just cry every day because I feel so alone.

I think it sounds very challenging, but I also don’t think you are being totally fair to him, particularly talking about an affair already. Barely any time has passed and he’s not managed to have counselling yet, give the guy a break. Even if he is keeping an eye on you and seeing how things go, if you’ve got kids that’s fair enough. Being a single parent will probably hinder your progress more than giving him time to work through what’s happened. Supporting someone through mental health crisis is incredibly challenging and hard and I’m sure he’s not getting it all right but he’s still there and trying, I think you should do the same. However if you really don’t agree, speak to your health professionals/consellor/mental health nursee, whatever you have, and try and leave in a controlled way so that you don’t make your own health worse.

How can he possibly be the same when he was abused by you? I appreciate this was a MH breakdown and you were ill, but you have to understand that the the relationship changed when this happened. What would you say to a woman who was abused by her DH, would you be surprised if she wasn't feeling so loving anymore, regardless of what triggered the abuse. I know you are sorry OP but this was only a few months ago and he needs time. I agree he needs counselling. It will help him figure out what he wants. He kissed you and said he loves you, that sounds like he really wants to love you again as he used to. If you are in a ball sobbing it sounds like your MH issues are unresolved too.

That sounds desperately painful, but at the same time it does seem like early days. How long since your last admission? I'm guessing maybe it's not that your husband loves you any less, more that he is finding it difficult to trust you.

I think@ScorchedEarthAdjacent 's post is v wise. This isn't your fault, and you still deserve good things, but perhaps he just needs time to process what's happened. If we were having this conversation a year after your last admission then I might well think differently, but for now "give it time" is my gut feeling.

Although I'm also concerned by his bringing alcohol into the house. Do you know why he's doing this?

Sorry the CMHT won't take you on, that's pretty poor practice imo after 3 admissions! Who's supporting you?

@InfernalRuin YABU. 100% YABU.

You have put your poor husband through hell, threatened to kill him, and yet you expect him just to go back to normal???

You talk about YOUR progress, but what about his progress? It's going to take a LONG time for things to go back to how they were.

Is he in counselling OP? Are you? Both independently and as a couple. I understand your behaviour was a mental health crisis but that would have been absolutely traumatising for him, I can't blame him for not wanting to be close to you at the moment, please don't add to his trauma by having an affair it'll only make things worse for everyone. If you both aren't in individual and couples therapy get that in place. If he's unwilling to do it or it's been done not worked it probably would be better for you both if the relationship ended.

I think he's probably struggling much more than he is letting on which is why he is withdrawn and is using alcohol to self-medicate. I appreciate you have been very ill and need to concentrate on your own recovery but I can imagine that having his partner threaten to kill him would leave anyone extremely traumatised. He also may worry about leaving the children in your care if you were to split, which is understandable even if it's hurtful.

I would continue to try and encourage him to access some counselling, maybe someone specialist in dealing with trauma and PTSD. Can you gently discuss the drinking and how it's not advisable if it goes against a mutual discussed safety plan?

To be honest, yes. He's kissing you, stroking your hair and telling you he loves you. He's saying all the right things, but you're still unhappy. I don't think you can expect things to go back the way they were. Like it or not, things have changed. You've changed. It doesn't really sound like you accept that though. You both need counseling to get through this.

This is all very confusing.
Are you or are you not bipolar? From whom did you obtain the diagnosis? Who is prescribing medication, and is that drug regimen tailored to regulate this particular disorder?
I mean, if you are just taking anti-anxiety meds and the diagnosis was not via rigorous medical assessment, then your husband has good reason to feel a bit wobbly.
But assuming all is as you have related, and the diagnosis kosher, on what grounds can this team take issue with it, and withhold support? Is there anyone or any organisation who could advocate for you, to get the necessary help?

How awful.
But you two, hold fast to your ‘In sickness and in health’ vows while every possible help/support is investigated and engaged with.
Don’t be tempted to chuck everything away too soon; terrible rifts can heal, and though it is devastating for you now, this isn’t the worst challenge a marriage can face and still survive.
That’s its great strength as a bond; it allows spouses the time and space to rebuild shattered parts of the relationship, offering them courage and determination since its ties were, after all, made in honest hope and the anticipation of permanence. (Not that you are imprisoned, of course. Leaving is dead easy, as we all know)

See your physician. Whatever your treatment involves isn't doing a very good job. Tell her everything you’ve written here.

By the way you mentioned childcare as a concern of your husband.
You didn't mention any children though; I hesitate to ask, but did you marry a single parent?

You need to find a private therapist to support you.

4 manic episodes in 8 months is lots for both of you to cope with. Your both in survival mode. Your trying to get yourself into a healthy mental place and he is waiting for the next manic episode and not coping.

Firstly get yourself support. Therapist and support group.

No they are our children.

I have a diagnosis of bipolar made by a psychiatrist 10 years ago. I took lithium and all was well until I got pregnant with my son 5 years ago and came off it. After I had him, I had moved to a different country ty and their psych team disagreed with my diagnosis. I’ve been referred back to cmht several times by different services and they won’t see me. Keep saying they don’t think it’s bipolar but won’t look at anything else or remove my diagnosis, which means I can’t access other services as they see the diagnosis and say they can’t meet my needs. It’s been hell. I’ve made complaints to the nhs, to the local services etc but never got anywhere. Currently on Sertraline which does keep me up but also triggers my insomnia and elevates my mood.

I would also like to make clear I never actually would have an affair, it’s just thoughts I’ve been having.

Who's actually looking after your Children? Because it sounds like your husband is fucking off to work, and youve been in hospital quite a few times - is he also just leaving you to get on it with and do full time childcare because that definitely won't be helping

‘Fucking off to work’ yeah what an arsehole making sure they can buy food and don’t loose their home while OP is ill 🙄

I think you are. He isn't going to be able to just snap back into the person he used to be, no more than you are. You both need counseling.

I also work full time