Have you ever known the woman to leave the family home and leave the kids behind? (title edited by MNHQ at request of the OP)

[Iliketocallthemsmilelines]

Or did you leave yourself?

It seems to be very rare, but it surely must happen

Julie Burchill did it twice.

I think I am ok , now married with a DS . Dad was a great parent though and I know that my Mum tried to get me back but Dad fought her in court and got awarded custody. So in a way she has not ‘abandoned’ me as such however all my life I suffered of ‘fear of abandonment’ and I expect my DH to leave at any time. He hasn’t given me any reasons to doubt him but I just cannot help it . On The plus side , I always prepared financially in case this happens including progressing my career and being financially independent.

Haven't you bonded with your daughter?

A woman I knew from childhood did. She was having an affair, left her son with his father's aunt and never went back for him.
She did it again a few years later- another marriage, another child- had an affair and left the country with the new man without telling anyone until she'd already gone. Again she never went back.
She's apparently married again and has another child. (I don't talk to her any more for a lot of reasons but I hear bits from mutual friends every now and then.)

A friend did this. She popped out for a pint of milk and never returned home. She was married with an 8 year old son at the time and had silently planned it for some time as she was having an online affair with an Australian guy.
She's still in Australia with him years later but her son and husband were devastated at the time.

I do remember a mum leaving her family home and two boys almost 20 years ago.
I didn't know her well- I vaguely knew the stepmother to her kids via a baby group.
I mean she was still in contact with her kids but I think they lived permanently with dad.
I met her briefly at my friend's house, and I do remember thinking how unusual this arrangement was and that she must feel very awkward in front of me because I knew she'd left her kids.
I didn't say anything to her, obviously, and in hindsight I feel bad that I thought that, after all I didn't know the backstory and now I kind of understand how it could all get too much and the woman just leaves.
Christ I've thought about it often enough over the years and sometimes feel I'm here by the skin of my teeth (no offence to my family, love them!). My partner is a bit of a rock and I think that's why I've made it this far.
So I do understand and wouldn't necessarily judge- unless it was an obviously shitty move like pp with mother having an affair and leaving teen daughter in the middle of exams- that's awful.

My uncle’s wife left her two kids (from a previous relationship) and their joint child with him. She ran off with her karate instructor, as cliched as that is and didn’t financially or emotionally support them for years.

For some reason they have chosen to get back in touch / have a relationship with her later in life. I’m not sure I’d have made the same decision and (I’ve never asked him, but..) it must have hurt my uncle when they did.

A woman deserting her children is about as low as it gets unless there's extenuating circumstances.

That's really shocking. What happened to your brother? Do you still see him?

I'd love it if you did an AMA.

DPs mum left all 5 of them. She claims fil was abusive but she ran up 40k of debt and then left the kids behind when she could have taken them. She moved 300 miles away with another man and didn't talk to any of them for over 10 years and dp has never seen her after she left.

That's appalling. Do you have a relationship with her now? What happened to you both?

oh god that's awful- her poor son and husband.
I think I misunderstood that op was asking about women who up and leave and stop all contact- that's just horrible (same as if a man does it, but surely less common)

Knew a woman who moved to Canada to be with a man she met online and abandoned her toddler. I don't know if she ever comes home.

Yes I left the family home but waited until my DC was old enough to decide where he lived which he decided would be 50/50. I was not going to walk out of the family home as I was warned that as I was the breadwinner and my Ex was a SAHD I would have to leave and provide for them both. I was threatened with it and our DC weaponised enough. I’m glad to say it was the best decision to wait but no DV involved just Financial control.

My husband’s mother left him and his brother with their dad to go off with a new man. Had another son with new man, then left them too. Only sees one of her dc on a regular basis now they’re all grown up. I’ve met her a few times and she makes my skin crawl.

Yes
She left her 2 boys at home with their father as she didn't want them to have to leave the family home. No suggestion of abuse on either side. I'm pretty sure the Dad found it a complete surprise

I think it is an aristo thing - Diana's mum did, Daphne Guinness did, Mary Wesley did, Diana Mitford did. Isabella Blow's mum did.

Yes, an aunt (who married into the family) walked out on three young boys when she left her marriage in the early 60s. She moved to the next village, remarried and had more children. She never seen the boys again. They knew she went on to have another family…..it’s a small place we are from.

I can’t begin to tell you the impact its had. It’s reverberated down the generations too- impacting on parenting and grandparenting. A fear of abandonment meant they grew to become men who could push others way away and not really let anyone in, which is understandable but must be hard to live with.

No, it's just as uncommon as people think. Your experiences are anomalies not the pattern. Only 10% of single parent families are headed by men, and this will of course include widowers and men who left taking the children, sometimes against their mother's wishes.

That seemed too high so I did a quick AI search and it's not far off - but we rarely seem to see it in day to day life. Whereas absent fathers are sadly, standard. And highly visible.

The estimate there says

If you took 100 separated heterosexual parents where one parent leaves and the children remain primarily with the other, a reasonable UK estimate would be approximately:

Mother leaves: 12-15
Father leaves: 85-88

It also says there's no substantial research on it

Why do you ask op? (Sorry if you've answered that already)

Unfortunately, I made that mistake.
My ex didn't help with the children, he worked long hours.
I left the family home, left 2 of my children behind with him. Aged 8 and 5.
Took the toddler with me and I was also pregnant.
I was overwhelmed with his behaviour towards me, not helping with anything, if he didn't agree with anything I said, he would blank me and give me the silent treatment and just carry on with his own life. He was also financially abusive.

My ex the slime ball carried on working, would drop the children to school, come back at pick-up time and drop them at his relatives and go back to work.
I went back 2 weeks later and he wouldn't let me back in the house, because he had changed the locks, he wouldn't hand the children over either.
He called the police and according to the law, I had left the family home and left the children behind so I couldn't return if my ex didn't want me back.

My ex was a nasty, evil, controlling abuser. He refused to talk to me. For someone who paid no interest to the family and spent no time with his children, he suddenly just took the children from me. It was about control.

It took me 6 months to get the children back through the courts. This was 10 years ago and he has no contact with them anymore.

Unfortunately it was an expensive lesson to learn.
I was so naive, thinking our family meant something to him. He didn't care.

I begged my mum to. Told her to leave us behind and we could be with her later. She didn’t. She died. I wish she had left without us - we weren’t at risk, she was.

eta this was 30 years ago and things were different re DV

Oddly, I actually know three women who upped and left their kids for another man. In all three cases, the husband was blindsided and had no idea. They were also, thankfully, excellent hands on fathers to begin with and continued to be so.

Eventually all three men ended up with second wives who were all wonderful and great with the kids.

The women that left to be with their affair partners fared much less well.

My mum's mum did, left 4 kids between 10 and 1 and never came back. They all ended up going into children's homes in the 70s. My mum became a heroin addict and her 5 kids also got taken into care. Not blaming the mum, I'm sure she had her reasons, but the effects can be felt generations later.

No not seen her since then.
My parents divorced when I was 8, so she left us with her 3rd husband who left soon after. So my brother and I ended up living on our own. This was in the 90’s.