DS lied to me about his A level results (and they're not good)

[willowfern]

My dd is 18 and he got his A level results yesterday and told me he got 2 A’s and an A* but he didn't

He didn't show me the actual paper but I believed him, he was out much of the day with his friends then came home late last night so I hardly saw him and he's currently out now

His brother went into his room not long ago to get his aftershave back and found the paper and he got a D U E

I've never put pressure on him to get good grades as long as he tried his best though I don't think he did. I think he lied because his brother is less than a year older and sat A levels last year and got an A and 2 A*

I've told eldest to leave him alone, not to message him or anything and ill talk to him on his own but what do I say?

I'm glad he's out so I can think as I can't lie I am disappointed and he's likely missed his uni place and I know he could've tried harder and done better. He was predicted A* B and an A.

Please don't flame me. I know results aren't the be all and end all...

Just say you not cross but you need to sit and discuss options .
Look at clearing.
Or resit?

First post is correct. He doesn’t need berating he needs support to figure out what to do next.

What’s he meant to be doing next? What does this mean for that?

If he got a DUE he’s probably not right for uni.
it’s sad he felt he had to lie to keep up with his brother.
All you can do is sit him down and talk about his next steps

Surely you must have noticed the difference in effort that goes in to a A* A A result and a DUE result? What were you doing during his A-levels if you didn’t notice he clearly had decided not to, or was unable to, study?

When you speak to him, don’t focus on the results (at first). I’d ask why he felt he couldn’t tell you the truth. There might be other things he hasn’t been able to share with you.

When he is ready, ask him what he feels are the next steps for him with regards to his results. He is an adult, or close to it, and at this age, our role as parents is to support and guide but not swoop in and control the situation.

I assume you love him no matter what results he got? Let him know this. And then you can figure the way from here with him.

With the best will in the world, if he hasn’t found the motivation to do better than D,U. E at A level, with all the support available from school and you, I wouldn’t be sure that he’s in the right frame of mind to go to University at the moment, as they don’t usually have many contact hours and are expected to do a huge amount of studying by themselves. They’re very much left to their own devices a lot of the time.
He could explore the possibility of a Degree Apprenticeship, where his studying would be much more structured, and he would be earning money, rather than getting into debt.

What happened between the mocks and the actual exams-I presume he wasn’t doing much work?

Had you discussed UCAS and places with him yesterday? Everyone yesterday was talking about having got their email from the university, accepting it, sorting accommodation-did you not talk about any of this? Are you close?

It may not be possible to get hold of his teachers but they could advise about resits and if they think it's worthwhile.

Usually school or college staff would be available to discuss next steps especially when results were way off predicted grades.

I expect he’s in denial and didn’t stay around and chat. He must have known you would find out.
I’d still contact school/ college for support.

Sounds like some sibling rivalry in the mix maybe. Any other reasons you can think of? Girlfriend, new friends, gaming?

As others have said just chat to see how he’s feeling and what he wants to do. Maybe he didn’t really want to go to Uni but felt like that was the plan?

Degree Apprenticeships are super competitive. You often need higher grades than equivalent uni courses. You're not going to get one with those results.

A different level of Apprenticeship might be an option.

Poor kid, he probably feels like he's dug himself into an ever bigger hole by lying. Right now he needs you to be calm and loving and to help lift him out of the hole. Any difficult conversations can wait, just make today about letting him know that you know, that you love him no matter what and that you'll work through it together.

If he’s dropped the equivalent of four grades from his predicted, then something’s gone wrong around exam time. Movement of a grade or two in either direction is common, but that kind of drop across all subjects is unusual. I expect he would have had a good idea that the exams didn’t go well. Could he possibly have lied about his predicted grades?

Have you seen the results sheet or are you believing your older son?

If it's true, I'd let him unwind today then speak to him tomorrow. Say you are sorry he felt he had to lie to impress you, that he never needs to succeed in certain ways to have your love. But you'd like at some point in the next week to discuss his options with him - resits or clearing or doing something entirely unacademic that appeals to him.

You must know if he is as academic as his brother. If he is, then these results show something went badly wrong in the revision or he panicked in exams, or didn't turn up. This sort of issue needs to be addressed so he doesn't label himself as incapable of academic success, when he actually is.

But if he truly isn't academic, I'd shrug and say: well, everyone has to stay at school these days until 18, even if that's not the most suitable place for them to thrive. You did it. You don't have to do it again. What would you actually like to do, to kickstart your adult life?

Edited to add: I think it is so important for teens to understand there is not one single way to succeed in life. That it is perfectly possible to screw up badly and do a U-turn from this, or to achieve what you want via a less usual route than the traditional one

Hmme did he even turn up for all the exams in the subject he got a U in...?
Irrelevant I suppose, formal study is not for him right now.
My concern would be how to support him to talk to you so that he could have said earlier that A-levels weren't for him. Why did he find it tricky to talk would be my focus.....
There are good websites outlining apprenticeship options when you get the other end.

@willowfern Ouch.

The lying isn't good.

But no one gets grades like that (and so far from their predicted grades) without being well aware they were failing.

I teach A Level and my students all got within one grade of their prediction. We had no surprises. Three of my students were initially predicted much higher grades, but as they didn't put the effort in and weren't working hard enough, we lowered their prediction to an E, reflected their lack of effort in their reports, and spoke to their parents. All 3 got an E.

What did the school say at his last data point? Had the school phoned you at all to let you know he was so far off his target grades? Or had he being doing really well in assessments and just fell to pieces in the exam?

I suggest you don't ask him outright, but give him an opportunity to confess and speak to you about what happens next.

If he just fell to pieces in the exams it might be worth him resitting Y13. If he isn't interested in studying any more then he needs a plan B.

Lots of kids can easily do well with minimum effort at GCSE, and completely underestimate the effort that A Level requires.

You must feel so shocked to find out his actual grades but like others have said sitting him down to talk about options going forward. He might be initially a bit defensive about how you discovered the truth but help sort a plan out may just be a relief to him. Possible resits or searching for an apprenticeship, or even a foundation year at a uni ?
i can absolutely sympathise with you, my DS had been predicted decent grades but got two UU’s and an E. We could not believe he did not pass them. He appeared to be revising well and putting the effort in. He was so upset but once he had calmed down he found himself a course that he is excelling at so far and if he passes it can hop onto the original course.
Good luck OP

I mean to go from predicted A* B A to D U E is a pretty dramatic difference.

There surely must be some reason for this that you know about.

I disagree with this.

He was predicted A B and an A.*

So the conversation is about how and why he went from that to D, U, E.

Something happened. What was it?

Did he have a personal issue? Did he have some sort of burn out? Did he have a change of friendship group and fall in with a crowd that's not been good for him?

You have to work out that bit before you even start talking about possible options now.

I’d not care about the results in all honesty…DS feeling the need to lie to you about them is the issue.

I'd want to know what he was doing instead of working (or less likely what happened in the exam).He must gave done well in mocks for his predictions so something catastrophic has happened recently.

Ignore everyone saying he’s not uni material, they don’t know your son or the circumstances he’s in. I know plenty of very bright people who got bad A Level results due to mental health issues during sixth form, that then went on to do very well academically at uni. You just don’t know.

You must feel really sad for him right now. Just try and support him in his next steps, whatever they might be.

It is very hard when siblings are more able or do very much better. Reassure him, give him a hug then look at his options. He has 2 A levels ...which counts for some UCAS points. He could go through clearing. Also some universities offer a foundation year, kind of a prep year for students who didn't get the results they wanted which leads, when completed, directly onto the full university course. From experience, retired A level teacher, not all students do better a second time around because they lose impetus, particularly when their friends move on..Some do well for resits though. If you go that route you could reduce the pressure by just taking two again, keeping the D and giving the E and the U another go.
If it helps, many years ago, my own daughter came home with two Es when predicted far higher. No work ...lots of socialising. She went through clearing, did a related degree and now teachers A level students herself often seeing her pupils getting As/A stars and knowing how to help pick up the pieces with students and their parents when things don't quite go according to plan. She is so good at her job that, after GCSE level, parents specifically ask is their kids can be in her A level class.
Who would have thought she could do that on an original base of 2 Es...I certainly didn't. I'm very glad now we encouraged her to move forward with what she had through clearing. What type of learner is your ds? Some do well with resits ...my daughter acknowledges now, with a smile, that she would probably have done the whole not working thing all over again. Good luck op. A plan will emerge once you've had that discussion. 💐

I’d be really cross about the lies. Pointless going on about the results, what’s done is done but lying-did he think you wouldn’t find out?

He needs to make a decision re apprenticeship or employment. I don’t see the point of clearing with those grades-would he work for a degree? I’m not sure a degree apprenticeship with a D, E and U. Right now, I’d be asking him to come home to talk. Going out with his mates is not great given what he’s done.

Lol at his brother just happening to accidentally read his results while getting aftershave.

You really believe they weren't even folded - just sitting there in full view? 🤣

I wouldn't say anything at all to him, he'll tell you in his own time if he wants to.

Meanwhile, you need a long chat about privacy and snooping with your other DS.