Marriage issues

[Purpleismyfsvouritecolour]

Am I in the wrong?

i have been with my husband for 15 years. I have always managed the finances, home, our child and my two step children. I’m very close to my step kids.

However, naturally I have contributed to child maintenance for all these years, but I have never been asked for my opinion on certain aspects which I have accepted. However today my step daughter has been accepted to university. We are naturally thrilled for her and we have said we will support her. I think she should also be supported by her mum. But, I’m sad with the fact that my husband immediately said yes to being a guarantor without talking to me about it. I also think her mum should be involved but my husband won’t talk to her as she’s very toxic. I’m concerned about this - Instead, he has turned on me saying “15 years ago you knew what you were getting yourself in for”. I’m now worried as our mortgage is going up next year, we have living costs and if his daughter doesn’t pay , we then have to pay.

i have carried the weight of all the finances, always expecting to manage the money, food, loan, credit cards, Xmas’s. I don’t begrudge my step daughter, but I just wanted my husband to talk to me about it first, got all the details, spoke with her mum and then made up a plan, instead, if a risk happens, I just have to accept it.

on a separate note, As I work from home,I’m lonely. I’m also about to finish a degree. We sit down to eat as a family 3 times a week as my husband prefers to eat much later. I feel I have lost myself and persistently low then high as I used to be so bubbly, sociable and chatty. Now I just feel I’m boring. I then just feel intense sadness when an issue arises.

sorry for rambling on and thank you for reading.

It sounds like only one of you is acting like a team player. Can you speak to him about this?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Could you raise these issues with your husband? On how you’re feeling lonely and quite down too?

You sound like a wonderful step mum.

On the issue of being a guarantor I do think you are being a bit unreasonable though. It’s such a normal thing to do. Pretty much every student accommodation/halls requires a parent to stand as guarantor (and I’ve never known it to require more than one and I’ve done it a few times). Your worry about your step daughter defaulting seems a bit misplaced really. Presumably she has her student loan/finances sorted out. He is her father. One parent was required to act as guarantor and he offered. Had he said he needed to check with you first that could well have made it seem to her that you might not be willing. By way of example; when our daughter needed a guarantor I didn’t tell her I needed to check with DH (her father) first, I just said yes.

I think your reaction is a sign of other unhappiness (which you allude to). I don’t think the standing as guarantor is an issue. But your DH needs to make more effort and show you are appreciated.

Thank you for your lovely words and information about guarantors. I genuinely have no problem with my husband being a guarantor. I feel bad that my step daughter asked me first, but I told her to call her dad. The problem I have is that I carry all the financial burden on my shoulders and it all makes me feel anxious so I just needed my husband to give me some reassurance as it would be me sorting it out if anything happened. Xx

He should not have agreed to this without speaking to you, even if she was your biological daughter. It seems you are a team when it suits him. If you like the job you are doing is there any way you can go into the office to work? That might help. I am looking for a job, but as I live alone am not considering wfh as I want some interaction. Have friends but they are at work in the day too. If you are feeling lonely try and join a club. I have tried this. Congratulations to you SD and u for being so supportive op.

Your explanation re ask her dad came on fone after I'd typed. There still needs to be a chat i think OP.