AIBU to want retired in-laws to visit us with the baby?

[OneCleverRedTurtle]

DH’s parents live 2 hours away. For context I’ve had a tricky relationship with MIL but since our baby was born we’ve put it to one side. We have a very busy 10.5 month old. They have an open invite to come and stay with us whenever they like. (I’m on Mat leave but understand MIL may be hesitant due to past troubles-personally I would think wanting to see their grandchild would trump this and she would swallow her pride somewhat!) They are retired, not in great health so can’t help physically with the baby (we wouldn’t expect them too either but many hands etc) but are insisting we go to visit them in a house that’s not appropriate for a baby. No fireguard, steep steps to garden, no stair gate. Not sure how to broach this.. we’ve done it before and DH and I come away feeling more tired than when we went. We kind of feel they should come up to us. We go above and beyond to make sure they are comfortable and catered for including rearranging our sleeping arrangements so they each have their own bed etc. it’s a lot but our baby has all of their toys, bath, familiar things that make it easier for us as a family. DH will also be using annual leave to accommodate us going to them rather than them coming up on a weekend. We don’t want to offend them but feel that their exceptions are a little unrealistic. Any ideas welcome how to sensitivity broach this without me coming across as a dragon of a DIL!

The lack of a fire guard is an issue right now?

That alone would make me think you are trying to find reasons not to go.

Your DH is th one to broach it, surely? Is your baby walking? If so, could you say he's not yet steady on his feet and it would be wearing all round having to be watching him navigate the steep garden and a house with no stair gate.

How about 'we've been thinking about it and it makes a lot more sense for you to come here given the amount of stuff we'd need to bring, and DH would have to take the time off work to come to yours and we need that annual leave saved for when im back at work and we need cover. We'd love to have you here anyway'
Your reasons are sound - dont doubt yourself. And try to accept that with some people, no matter how you say it they will take offence, so its a waste of time trying to find the perfect words, in a way!

What would happen if you just invited them up?
Would they not come at all?

Can you stay with them for just a Saturday night, then you wouldn't need to take too much with you?

If that's not doable, then you need to be truthful - tell them that while DC is so young it's easier for them to visit you and also you can't go to them for a week as DH doesn't have enough annual leave.

Personally I'd leave it for your DH to sort. Let him ask them to come to yours for the reasons of safety for the child.
If they don't want to come over that's their problem not yours. Don't force a relationship.

Surely you can take a portable stair gate with you.

You carry the baby up or down steep steps

Not in great health can cover a lot of ground from slightly ill to dying of cancer.

It’s a 2 hour drive, leave in the morning, spend the day with them, go home mid afternoon.

You’re looking for reasons to reduce contact and you know it.

The ONLY genuine reason would be either A, you don’t have a vehicle or B, you don’t want to visit them.

Parents managed to raise chilsren without all these stairguards etc.for generations, So we just visited people and got on with it

Your dh should say it’s easier if you come to us as we have the house set up for baby. But also incase they don’t , figure out how many times a year you would be happy to visit and just do that. Give them option to visit inbetween

I don’t understand why you’d need to visit midweek and waste annual leave? Why can’t you visit on a weekend?
Your excuses for not wanting to visit them are very weak, but I agree they could probably come to you

Surely a lot depends on these past ‘troubles’ MIL is expected to put aside for your convenience. They might be painful to her, baby or no baby. We cannot know.

Take a play pen. Visit for the day. Baby will sleep on the way home. They obviously don’t want to travel.

Could you meet halfway between houses, lots of pubs/ leisure centres have soft play now . Your inlaws could play with your child there ?

My friends with small children and babies used to stay with us often. We never had a stair gate, fire guard etc, but with 4 adults in the house, there was always someone keeping an eye, so no risk to the kids. So it is perfectly possible to visit the grandparents, OP - just admit that you don't want to.

Sorry but you don’t need all those safety precautions. It sounds like you just don’t want to go. I get you have the baby so it’s obviously easier for you for people to come to you but if your in laws aren’t in great health I’d just suck it up for a few weekends a year. Your baby doesn’t need that much stuff. My MIL used to buy a few cheap toys in charity shops for when we visited - new toys are always a hit!

Just tell them dc is at the Home Wrecking stage and best they come to you. .

They have an open invite to come and stay with us whenever they like I think open invites can be seen as not an actual invite.
Clearly say (or DH) "we would love to see you on Saturday the xxx and stay until xx, or if you are busy then how about the xxx?" In-laws would have to say no if they don't want to visit which gives you/DH a starting point for pointing out how awkward it is for you both to go to their home.

When did people become so rigid. Why on earth would stair gates be an issue if you and dh alone are around? At 10mo an adult needs to be right next to baby so why is there a risk? Steep garden steps? Are you not next to your baby? And fire guard? If they are not in great health then imagine them having all these things around that would make their own life difficult in their home?
what do you do when you visit friends or places that are not safe guarded fo your spec op?

Surely it depends on the problems you’ve both had in the relationship? And what the ill health means.

Yes, I think it sounds more reasonable that they visit you. Your DH should sort.

Nah, I'm on the OP's side here.

I see, more and more Mumsnet, and also experience in my own life, this very strange reality that retired people are both immensely busy and loving their lives, and yet too frail to travel - so working people have to travel to them, in the very limited time they have when they're not working.

It's not how my parents did it - we shared. We'd visit them, they'd visit us. Like adults who loved and respected and cared for each other. No one expected or got to sit in their throne 'granting' audiences.

How are you on OPs side then? She doesn’t want to visit…

None of the reasons you give are a reason not to visit, I managed to raise my dc without them safely, one night is not hard. Yes they could sometimes visit you but it might be they are uncomfortable at yours for health reasons