AIBU to want retired in-laws to visit us with the baby?

[OneCleverRedTurtle]

DH’s parents live 2 hours away. For context I’ve had a tricky relationship with MIL but since our baby was born we’ve put it to one side. We have a very busy 10.5 month old. They have an open invite to come and stay with us whenever they like. (I’m on Mat leave but understand MIL may be hesitant due to past troubles-personally I would think wanting to see their grandchild would trump this and she would swallow her pride somewhat!) They are retired, not in great health so can’t help physically with the baby (we wouldn’t expect them too either but many hands etc) but are insisting we go to visit them in a house that’s not appropriate for a baby. No fireguard, steep steps to garden, no stair gate. Not sure how to broach this.. we’ve done it before and DH and I come away feeling more tired than when we went. We kind of feel they should come up to us. We go above and beyond to make sure they are comfortable and catered for including rearranging our sleeping arrangements so they each have their own bed etc. it’s a lot but our baby has all of their toys, bath, familiar things that make it easier for us as a family. DH will also be using annual leave to accommodate us going to them rather than them coming up on a weekend. We don’t want to offend them but feel that their exceptions are a little unrealistic. Any ideas welcome how to sensitivity broach this without me coming across as a dragon of a DIL!

It depends, I know some retired people in good health, love to travel and would be fine visiting but I also know my own parents in less good health struggled to travel to visit grandchildren.

Well you kind of are coming across as a dragon of a DIL, and I feel I can say that as I probably am one.
MIL was not invited to meet DC1 for a couple of months (mutual decision with DH).
I go to her house sometimes because she is a nicer grandma than MIL, although like your PIL IS unable to look after DC.

We've never had a stair gate, the reasons you are citing sound very wishy washy and are just excuses really, you'd hardly be leaving a 10.5 month old alone by steep garden steps and who on earth would have a fire lit at the moment.

Apart from the journey time I don't see what difference it makes who travels to who and what equipment would you actually bring, maybe a pushchair and if you want a highchair or just get one to leave at their house, not really needed for a weekend visit but handy to have somewhere safe to plonk DC so I probably would just get one on marketplace or a cheap one to leave there, we had an IKEA one at MILs that was fine and later converted to a lower chair.

For context I’ve had a tricky relationship with MIL but since our baby was born we’ve put it to one side.

Have you both decided to "put it to one side"

I have no idea why you had a tricky relationship but if your MIL has any reason to think that things haven't been "put to one side" I can see why she wouldn't want to spend time away from home, if she felt things were still a bit tetchy (sp) and for whatever reason things stired up again it wouldn't be very pleasant for her being in your home.

My grandparents never visited us. Ever. They didn’t have a car. We always went to them. I’m retired and I’m busy but I’d make time for grandchildren. I can cut down what I do.

This is for DH to sort and negotiate. And if he caves, it’s for him to do all the packing!!
It is much easier to stay home and have them visit you.
Or go for the day? Pop DS in his pjs after his tea snd set off for home at his bedtime - then carefully transfer him to bed when you get home ! Much less to take and limits MIL exposure time !!

You can't force them to come to you but you don't need to visit them either.

How bad are their health issues? Would they legitimately stop them from travelling or are they just a handy excuse so that you and your DH need to do all the travelling?

The stairgate is just an example, I would guess. Staying with people when you have a baby and your relationship with them is not all it could be is a misery because every aspect of the baby's routine becomes an awkward conversation. Why do you use/not use stairgates/bouncy chair/playpen, why do they need the windows blacked out when they are napping, why do they go to bed so early/late, why do they eat at x time etc. But if I were you OP I wouldn't push it. Do you really want to be hosting them the whole time?

I think you could manage an occasional visit overnight. Two hours really isnt very far and it isn't that hard to keep a baby out of trouble if you entertain them - you can plan to go out for walks or to a nearby park etc together perhaps. I think sometimes people overthink things and make them harder than they have to be.

Stop with the “open invite”

get dates sorted instead, give the a choice of dates and do it whilst you’re there on this visit. Suggest when you arrive at some point sorting dates for a return visit ( sows the seed) then the next day ask have you thought of dates you can visit, then say let’s get those dates in the diary for you to visit. Next day firm up those dates.

when they visit do the same, let’s get some dates sorted for another visit, this works so well with dd in her own environment and it’s great her seeing her grandparents. When can you come again? How about February, how are you fixed.

keep it going every 3/4 months etc and enthuse about child seeing grandparents

If they live 2hrs away why does anything have to be overnight? Surely, leave at 9am, arrive 11am, stay 4 hours, leave at 3pm, arrive back home 5pm. Do it on a Sat or Sun so no need to take time off.

We used to see my in-laws in a day and they lived 5/6hrs away. Would leave around 5am, get there around 11am, leave around 3pm, get home around 9pm, and that was with a car load of kids from 12mth upwards (we didn’t do the trip with babies under 12mths due to car seat safety timeframes).

How old are they and what health conditions do they have? You may not know about all of them either.

MIL can’t drive the 3 hours to us now it’s just too much for her as she is in her 80’s. So DH goes and get her a couple of times a year.

How old are they and what are their health issues? Don’t underestimate the impact on their health of travelling 2 hours and staying in a tense atmosphere.

It’s only a two hours journey. You could leave at 8 am and be there for 10 am. Could spend a while with DH parents Leave at 5 pm and home for 7 pm. Very do able Do you have travel cot/play pen. If we stayed overnight just washed baby at sink. Maybe you just don’t want to visit. If that’s the case DH can take baby to visit grandparents

Its only 2 hours away, there is no need for an overnight visit.

It’s a two hour drive. Why would you want or need to sleep over?

I'm sure you have your reasons but I don't really get this. Only 2 hours? I've moved a 2-3h drive away from my family and friends in London, we have gone down all the time to visit them. Going to see my 89yo grandma a 3h drive away this weekend. We'll just leave in the morning, give my toddler lunch at a service station, travel over his nap time (as 3h entertaining him in the car will do him and me in), brush his teeth and put him in PJs before we leave, he'll sleep on the way back.

You could stay over but I also don't see why it needs to be more than a weekend trip?

My grandma also lives in a townhouse so we'll have to be vigilant about closing doors so DS doesn't fall down the stairs as the living room and kitchen are on the first floor. But we'll be with him the whole time. Just bring a travel highchair and a cot if you're staying over. This isn't something worth causing an issue over though I appreciate it is a pain they won't come to you. Ill health can mean lots of things and you might not have the full picture.

Also my ILs live near us and are retired though my BIL and SIL travel to them more often than not. They also expect us to go to theirs even though we're 10 min away. It's not a big deal

I’m not sure why if it’s a 2hr drive you need to stay overnight and can’t just visit for the day ? Or why it then can’t be a weekend visit and annual leave has to be used

Not enough info re health or past issues but on what you have posted it just comes across that you don’t want to go.

If its only a 2 hour drive why not just do a day trip up to them?

As a mum I don’t understand the “not wanting to visit a house that’s not babyproof” thing. Surely you are with baby watching them, unless they have a very dirty home or drugs laying around then I don’t understand it personally. 90% of the world isn’t baby proof, you just get on with it.

But I do agree they should perhaps visit you and it be 50/50. However “not in the best health” could mean anything

Ask DH to sort it and perhaps instead of open invites, say “are you free next weekend to visit”

Obviously you don’t want to go. It’s easier at home. That’s totally fine but making up ridiculous ‘safety reasons’ is making you look a bit silly OP.
i have no stair gates or fire guard. Ive managed quite happily to look grandson weekly without even the hint of an issue

As a mum I don’t understand the “not wanting to visit a house that’s not babyproof” thing. Surely you are with baby watching them, unless they have a very dirty home or drugs laying around then I don’t understand it personally. 90% of the world isn’t baby proof, you just get on with it.
This. At 10 months old you have your eyes on them the whole time. You don't rely on baby proofing.

@OneCleverRedTurtle

My in-laws are 2hrs away, in a very non child friendly house/garden but we visit with little ones all the time - there & back in a day. No need to pack loads of shit & we can control when we leave - perfect. We get there mid morning & sometimes leave late afternoon or often eat tea & leave early evening - when the kids were tiny, we’d bathe them & get them ready for bed, they’d sleep in the car & we’d transfer them to bed when we got home - worked really well! There’s plenty of adults to keep the kids safe & in some ways it’s better than having to host. 🤷🏼‍♀️

This

Of course you cone away tired from visiting in laws. The purpose of the visit is not for them to help you, it's for you to work on relationships with the people who are important in your/your children's lives.

If they are in poor health you will probably have to visit frequently and won't be able to expect anything from them. You might have more than one child. In tow eventually. You are best off learning how to do the visit

This or you could meet for lunch halfway? Or just send DH?
I think you are being a bit precious sorry but ultimately it's up for your DH to make arrangements with his parents.