When one sibling has distance as a reason to do far less

[Leoparde]

Do siblings that live further away from parents ever consider that they could do more or that the distance is not that prohibitive? In so many instances, it always falls to the siblings that live the closest to do all the errands and admin that parents may need, even where a sibling might only live 45 minutes away. It seems common in many families that siblings leave the lion’s share to another sibling.

Yep. We are 4 hours from MIL, 90, in good traffic. DH visits every three weeks for the weekend and liaises with, organises and pays the carers. Speaks to his mum every day; one of his sisters receives a call from her mum every Sunday, she doesn't call due to the cost! His sisters live on a different Continent. One visits every 10 years for a fortnight and lets MIL cook her dinner every day, the other visits about every five but treats MIL's as an hotel and base to visit pals all over the country.

When the day comes, I am expecting them to be here in a jiffy to collect their third.

As an only child, I do it all (100ish mins away) but there's nobody to get pissed off with and nobody who has done fuck all to share the money with

@TheyGrewUp The sisters sound like DH's brother. He's not nasty, just completely self-centred. It amazes me that he and DH were brought up together, DH is a very kind person :-)

Hard when its not shared out. 3 us. We all do our bit.

It was a pivotal moment for me when I dared to ask my siblings for more help. One gave me the silent treatment and has now moved house and I don’t know where she is. Ditto her three dc. My DD cannot invite her to her wedding although does not want to as she didn’t hear from her aunt or cousins when she got engaged. She didn’t hear from her other aunt either. They didn’t want to help me and one turned up once a year, twice at best, and then did nothing. Arrived very quickly to take things from the house before it was sold though. The other one expected DM to make up a bed for her! They did next to nothing to help.

A example: Mum was in hospital and I had a holiday booked. Just a few days. Mum was due to be released so I filled the fridge and got everything ready in her house. DSis arrived when I was away but DMs release was delayed. Dsis ate the food and left. (She’s retired) As a family, we felt let down and abandoned. Dsis who ate the food was the prodigal daughter - I was just sick of the whole scenario. Best off without them.

This hits big. I moved a long way from where I had settled to come home and look after my DM and DDad, my four other siblings stayed put (I was the furthest). Of the five of us, I was the only one with a school age child (others have adults or toddlers or none). I am also committed to now (my choice) moving in with DM now DDad has died to take care of her and the house / garden. It’s not big, it’s worth a lot less than my house in the city but she is our mother. Of course I will look after her, I have the ability to - as long as we have any specialist care she needs and she wants to be at home at the end our Ddad was. It might be 20 years from now! But I am the local one now, after being the furthest away for most of my life. So it literally all falls to me. I even have to pick them up from the airport and train when they visit her - they expect me to behave like our parents did for us, lift and lay…

But that’s up to you - your siblings may feel differently? Also ok.

MIL had cancer when I was pregnant with dv3, dd2 was a toddler. We live a 6 hour drive from her - DH (with my agreement) drove down every Thursday and stayed until Sunday night (using leave) cooked meals, did all the house maintenance (huge house, massive garden etc) made her meals for the week.
He would stay down for appointments etc and go with her. His bloody brother - an hour away, no kids- sent fucking fruit baskets and flowers. All of which were photographed and sent to DH with great ceremony.

I realised that that was OK. DH has realised that too. And it’s fine - you manage your own life- no point getting angsty if your siblings are shit - do what you can freely. That’s it.

You are free to choose whether to help or not, but you can’t make that choice for your siblings. They aren’t bound by your ideas as to what family does or doesn’t do, or by the decisions you make. They are not required to act as you think they should.

I was the one who lived further away. My sibling did the things that needed someone's presence, I did the admin and the phone calls (often difficult ones re our parent's care). Fortunately the things I did were the things that my sibling hated, so they appreciated what I did save were grateful. I also made it clear that I understood that their proximity was a downside, and was sympathetic and supportive.

We are very different people who could easily have fallen out, but we didn't because we both put the effort in to ensure that that didn't happen.

I think it depends on what kind of relationship you had with your parents. If you were the less preferred sibling then there is a temptation to let the golden princess become the golden carer. When I left the city of my birth there were only land lines - no internet or mobiles so it was easier to drop the rope.

I even have to pick them up from the airport and train when they visit her

Please stop doing that @ComemosZanahorias .

Most of the time. Even if they live closer, it’s always one or two who carries the burden more than the other. It is tough with aging parents. You can only do your best, unfortunately you can’t force siblings into offering support.
Likewise as mentioned the siblings who
live closer would have benefited from the parents when they were in better health. It’s spins in roundabouts.
Outside agencies may be able to help.

I love ina different country to my dad. Our parents divorced when I was 5 I saw my dad every 3rd weekend until age 12 where it became dinner once a month for 2 years. After that he moved to the same town I lived in and I saw him weekly for dinner for 2 years prior to my going off to boarding school.

No I don't feel I should pick up more slack. I dont feel guilty my sister and brother who gfew up with him and have had significant support from him over the years do more than I do.

I love my dad but he is like a distant uncle in many ways to me. We speak once every 2 weeks. He is a kind man I like our conversations but No I do not feel I should somehow do more.

I acknowlwege my living 1000 miles away does play I to that. And when MIL was still alive dh and I did a lot for her together with SIL

YABU

I live in a different country to my parents, my sibling lives with our parents most of the time. My sibling is single & childless. I have children. I cannot just drop my life and family to travel at quite an expense, (with our only car) to look after my aging parents. It makes no sense for us to take turns when my sibling is there most of the time already.

Caring commitments can last for several years - it's not something I could do (or afford) being in a different country with children.

From some of these posts all I can say is I hope some of you never get old!

My 80-year-old DH became wheelchair/bed-bound 5 months ago after a fall and I now have the responsibility of all his care (toileting, chores, excessive washing, shopping, cooking, feeding with a spoon, as well as maintaining our house and garden and all the admin). Oh, and numerous hospital visits sometimes several per week.

Our eldest DD is 30 miles away with a demanding job, two young teens and fibromyalgia, our youngest DD is nearly 200 miles away with a new baby. We try not to "demand" anything from either of them but basically it is impossible for us to manage without some help. Carers come 4 times daily for half an hour and this costs over £1,100 a week or £55k a year. Of course he doesn't need the loo while the Carers are here but ten minutes after they have gone. I am physically exhausted with it all and my life is basically at an end. We haven't moved away to anywhere awkward, and we're happy to pay for help, but at £1,100 a week the money won't last for long.

I'm just glad that both our DDs are doing their best for us (and we pay them as appropriate) but we were decent parents and they are decent women and will do what they can. Thank goodness.

Not in my case… I was flying from the Netherlands to Australia repeatedly and at my own expense when both parents were sick and dying. That was the role I had been assigned by my family. Dickhead brother lived in same town as parents and barely saw them. (I had a DH & three little kids and he was single.)

You do your best) I took a step back last year as the more I did. God she was always complaining. 80s. The thing with caring could be years of it. We each call a day in the week. Works well at moment

Yes, this.
Distance can make a big difference with adult dc looking after elderly parents and in reverse too when childcare is required , the distance can be an obstacle

We’d have been able to share it far more if PILs hadn’t moved to another country to be closer to SIL a few weeks before our first baby was born.
However to give another perspective… SIL has benefitted from regular childcare from PILs for years, had lunch cooked for them every Sunday, done school pick ups and drop offs while SIL and BIL worked, had her children for whole weeks while they went on holiday etc whereas due to distance we haven’t had any of that, so maybe it is fair that SIL does more of the care when they’re elderly?
Also we will be doing 100% of the care for my own parents as my brother died in his early 20s, and they’re divorced so that will be across 2 households, while also caring for our severely disabled child, so we’ll have enough going on!

In the last six years of his life my dad had two knee ops and then sadly died of cancer. All of the caring fell to me. My brother did nothing. Indeed when he was dying of cancer he only visited once. When he died however he literally came the day after wanting to talk about selling the house and dividing up assets. I think this is not that unusual. I have seen some men really care for parents and spouses, but largely our society still looks to daughters and wives to be carers.