When one sibling has distance as a reason to do far less

[Leoparde]

Do siblings that live further away from parents ever consider that they could do more or that the distance is not that prohibitive? In so many instances, it always falls to the siblings that live the closest to do all the errands and admin that parents may need, even where a sibling might only live 45 minutes away. It seems common in many families that siblings leave the lion’s share to another sibling.

I have simply fallen out with my sister on this. Yes she lives further but only because I had to arrange for our elderly mother to relocate. And she sat on her hands.
Final straw was when it came to the point of moving her to a care home. I had to be the one to tell her. And I simply will never forgive her for that. I told her to her face that I needed her in this with me. She fucked off abroad and came back 8 weeks later. There is nothing she can do now that will allow me to ever forgive her. I just realised after all these years she just saw me as someone who would carry on,no matter the cost to me

opposite here. My sister who lives 10 minutes away and had all the help with childcare does sweet FA. She might take her for a coffee but does none of the actual caring. My brother who lives 500 miles away stays for a week every month. I live 3 hour round trip and go down at least once a week but three days a week in the school holidays. As far as I see it my mum is on her way out and I want to spend as much time with her as I can. I don't know what goes through the sister who lives close mind, but I do judge her.

My sister lives round the corner from DF, I'm 220 miles away. I think that's a pretty good reason. I see him as often as I can and am planning to move closer so can go there and back in a day.

I don’t live closest to my parents but I do go/take them on holiday 3-4 times per year. I’m a widow so it kind of suits everyone, I get holidays with people I like, they get a more able-bodied person to do the driving etc.

Well personally I hope to fund my own care if it is needed, I refuse to become a burden to my family. I will hopefully own my home by then so the money can come from that as and when needed.

My little bro never left our home town, big db is in London 400 odd miles away, me 100 miles away. It will be me that looks after dps you can guarantee it as my dh would insist.

I don’t think that’s a fair comparison.
No-one is under any obligation to support parents in old age.
It’s different to parents refusing to support their children post 18 but equally they could if they wanted to. They made the choice to have children.

Parents need to be responsible for making their own arrangements for care and support. They also need to ensure they are set up to be as independent as possible.

I’ve got so many friends whose parents are in large houses they can’t manage, moved away from the nearest town and public transport in retirement and now expect everyone else to run around after them.

I don’t believe in duty. Do it if you feel able/willingly offer but don’t be expected to become a carer.

@Supersleepysheepy Yes, I plan to as well. But my Dad (88) needs some help organizing everything, he has various health problems and can get overwhelmed at times. I keep in touch with his support people to ensure that he’s getting what he needs and do online shopping for him. DH’s parents are still in good health but are getting muddled more easily so they sometimes need help from DH. It’s more like being a PA than a carer!

@lookatmylife Generally I agree that we all need to prepare as much as possible for our future care. Now that our parents ( and my friends’ parents) are in that age group though, I’m realizing how nuanced it can be. It’s hard to imagine yourself cognitively declining, you don’t have dementia, but are just less able to cope with certain things. Adult children can be very helpful with this.

Yes they can be if they choose to be. I object to the expectation.

Sometimes the help is to facilitate independence. The PA/admin comment is relatable. It’s also the reliability of carers, if someone needs help to get to an appointment, someone to advocate.

That's awful. You didn't do it did you?

Parents usually need us more at a point in our lives where we might still be raising children / young adults. If your parents had you young, you’re possibly dealing with your own health problems. The sandwich generation is a real thing.

And most of us are still juggling working full time, sometimes peak career with all the pressure that brings, or sometimes just trying to cling onto your job whilst dealing with the menopause from hell

A lot of us are also struggling to keep our heads above water financially, perhaps helping kids through uni, or just paying basic bills.

What feels hard is when you have to live in a particular location to access work etc, and parents choose to live a days drive (or further) away. It might have been their dream retirement place but the kids and grand kids can’t afford to visit them more than a couple of times a year, and everyone judges, even though it was their decision to live in said stupid remote place.

I currently live in an area that people retire to, and if I had a pound for every couple who move here, to a totally unsuitable house, miles away from their adult children. The usual pattern is that one of the couple dies or becomes disabled and the surviving partner struggles.

I don’t have good answers to any of it, but I feel your pain!

No, I didn’t. It turned into being quite a pivotal moment as I now have no contact with two of my siblings and very very very limited contact (Christmas, birthday and big life event messages) with the other.

My eldest brother announced that I either respected their wishes or fucked off. So I fucked off. He was absolutely gobsmacked and banned the others, and my nieces and nephews, from speaking to me until I came to my senses. It’s been seven very peaceful years!

Proximity plays a part, but personality more. Unfortunately, they can live on the doorstep and be a “taker”. And disappear or be “too busy” when you should be stepping up. Painful to watch. However they’d be like that 5 minutes or 5 hours away.

My siblings are 30 minutes away. I'm 400 miles.

I feel no guilt if they end up doing care - they've gained from child care and help with maintenance ( df is brilliant at diy) as well as other things.

I'm also aware that if there is a last minute call for "not long left" then I probably won't get there in time even if I drop everything and run, which makes me sad.

So it's swings and roundabouts

Exactly @Leoparde My Dad is in a retirement community (not a home) but he needs support to continue living there independently.

Tbh, even if adult children don't want to get involved, they can still get the phone calls from the Ambulance Service/ hospital/Social Services, etc. as next of kin. If you're estranged, I suppose you can say that, but if not, you'll be contacted!

It's down to personality and if your care

I'm the unhelpful sibling in this scenario. I disagree it's as simple as personality, I feel a lot of guilt that I can't do more. But I'm a lone parent, I work full time and I live 3+ hours away, I really cannot be there on a regular basis. Even when we go for the weekend my dd misses all her clubs, parties and playdates and is exhausted by the travelling so I don't feel it's fair (or what my parents would want) to make her go regularly. We do go every holidays.

Well done you. I hope one day your other siblings tell your brother where to get off.

It can be very hard for one person to do it, As a society we need to change things to offer more support to carers, because some have no siblings, or non able/willing.
Ideally yes, I agree that those who live further away should still help/do weekends, but we now have a society where both parents (if there are 2) are expected to work FT, where kids are supposed to do lots of clubs at weekends, and where we've shut convalescent homes, that could have offered breaks to families by letting older people stay in them at times.

My in laws moved abroad to be closer to SIL when I was pregnant with our first baby, now she’s 5 mins from them and we’re a 5 hour journey from them, so realistically she’s going to be able to do more than us. If she is unable or unwilling to do so then we will be more than happy to share the cost of outside care with her, but we won’t be able to get there very often to physically help out.

No, it’s down to being 5 hours away (including a plane ride) when SIL is 5 mins away.

This may not be applicable in your case but I am the eldest sibling, I was abused and taken advantage of, raised my siblings throughout my childhood and teen years for parents who quite frankly seemed to despise me but also needed parenting themselves. I was the responsible person in our family from an extremely young age and went on to have my own family. My siblings don’t have the same relationship with our parents (I’m the eldest by a few years) and they don’t understand the complexities of our relationships. I moved far away specifically to avoid doing any more grunt work for my parents and will not be guilted or cowed into caring for them now. My siblings as I said don’t understand and don’t get why I ‘can’t’ pitch in, but Ive already carried more than my fair share of responsibility and burden. If they choose to look after our parents good on them, but as far as I’m concerned, I’m now retired from eldest daughter hood. I don’t imagine this is a rare family dynamic.