When one sibling has distance as a reason to do far less

[Leoparde]

Do siblings that live further away from parents ever consider that they could do more or that the distance is not that prohibitive? In so many instances, it always falls to the siblings that live the closest to do all the errands and admin that parents may need, even where a sibling might only live 45 minutes away. It seems common in many families that siblings leave the lion’s share to another sibling.

Understandably the sibling who lives further away is going to find it difficult to be available for day to day issues.

But imo, they should make up for this by staying over at the parent's home or nearby for the weekend or for a week to help out and give the nearer siblings a break.

Or they could take ownership of admin that can be managed remotely.

In practise it can be difficult if some siblings aren't as close to their parents or feel that their busy lives prevent them from helping out.

I get frustrated by my siblings who don't help with the care.

I see your point op. I find Im expected to do more as my kids reared and Im the nearest.. she 80s. But my sisters do help. Gets more tricky when we juggling work though as we not free

My brother is in Windsor and I'm in Edinburgh and dad is in Newcastle. Brother tends to stay for longer but less often I often just do one night but more often. I'm also retired

Dunno. My parents chose to away and at first didn’t even tell us their new address. They deliberately chose somewhere isolated and rural and gave not the blindest bit of thought to how they would cope in their old age. I really think that they didn’t think it would happen to them, though my father was lucky enough to die whilst my mother was still able to look after him. I don’t have a car, by choice, and I deliberately live where there’s good public transport: they didn’t even have pavements where they moved to.

I live hundreds of miles away. They were never that bothered about me, and not at all interested after I left home so fuck ‘em. Sibling, has a car and feels guilty but also angry with parents.

sorry, I don’t know the answer to the question

Have you tried talking to them or asking them to do specific tasks or areas so they don't all fall on you?

My siblings apparently moaned like this to Dmum - who doesn't think they've done much - but they've forgotten the shear amount of money, support and even childcare they got that I was never there for me.

When I have dropped everything to help recently to make things easier for all of them they were verbally and phycailly abusisve towards me and dissmissive of the level of needed causing additional pain and problems for parent.

But yes it's not uncommon for it all to fall on one sibling - my parents were those for their parents often not appreciated and took a huge toll of their own health and negatively impacted us as teens.

I think the amount that siblings help is largely down to their personality and whether they can be bothered and much less due to distance.

DH lives a 3 hour round trip from his mother and he goes to see her every week. his brother lives 10 minutes away and last saw her at Easter.

Not always, my auntie lives 10 minutes away from my nan and mum & dad 40 minutes. It’s mum & dad who do all the running around! Dad did journeys over there on Monday!

I live in another country from my siblings, but I still cared for my mum alone when she was dying. My siblings, who literally lived a few streets away from her, barely showed their faces.

Yabu, no one should feel under pressure to help if it is too much for them. Also, those that live nearer to parents tend to have benefited more from their support so it often works out quite fair.

Well yeah my sister lives 3 hours away so obviously it's a bit easier for me.to pick up my parents prescription.

I’m the sibling who lives far away
My siblings have had the pleasure of more childcare, more financial help, more interest in their kids and overall more support from our parents. I just get told ‘well if you lived here it’d be different’ so, in my case it’s out of sight out of mind.
I don’t feel any obligation whatsoever to offer support or help, what goes around comes around.

My sister who is nearest, does so much with Mum, as do her kids, and I'm so profoundly grateful for them, and all that they do. I'm about as far away as you can get, so I'm limited in what I can do, especially at the moment, with everything so expensive and two girls at uni'. But when she was suddenly taken ill, and we didn't know what was going on, I jumped on a plane, and went home to nurse her, and support her - initially for four weeks, but it ended up being three months. And when necessary, I'll do it again. I feel very guilty I'm not closer and can't do more.

That's despite our relationship being. . . complicated. . .

My two sisters who live a lot closer than me, albeit in a different country, are bloody useless. They can't even manage to phone, unless it suits them. They'll go home if Mum pays, and it's for a good time.

I live a few hundred miles away from my parents but my sibling is 5 mins drive from them. Obviously when it comes to the crunch most of the day to day will fall to them and I'll do what I can from a distance.

I think it’s more to do with personality and family dynamics than distance.

When my father made his announcement of him being terminally ill it was expected that I’d be the one to care for him. I lived the furthest away, was the only one with pre-school and primary school age children (the others had adults, teens or none) and had had no relationship with him since I was 7 and taken to live with my grandparents due to parental violence and neglect (siblings had reconnected 6/7 months before). With my siblings I am the youngest and was always the one expected to drop everything when needed by someone.

My sister is two hours one way from my parents’. I’m five hours one way. She does more than me, but I do what I can. I think it’s only natural.

No parent is entitled to support from their children, so if one decides to do XY and Z the others aren’t obligated to do anything regardless of distance just to make it “fair”. If you don’t want to do things for your parents, don’t, it isn’t up to your siblings to do anything.

My brother got so much support and care from my parents through adulthood whereas I got nothing…but guess who was the first port of call when shit started to go wrong?

It depends on so much more than distance. We all live within 20 minutes of my parents. But my youngest brother got all of them - financially and in terms of childcare - while the rest of us literally got nothing. So when the time comes, he and his wife can crack on.

It’s not always the case that the one who does more gets the most help. My BIL for example had had all the ‘benefits’ of babysitting, despite distance (FIL would drive to him). He is older than me and I had several miscarriages, so we didn’t get that benefit. We asked if we could go out for our anniversary (with the baby) and could he help out with his dad that evening so we could go. He said he liked playing squash on Wednesdays.

I think if you want to do it you do it, if your sibling doesn’t want to then that’s their choice.
I will not be caring for mine as such. No way. If my siblings who had a better relationship and were ‘cared for’ want to that’s fine.

i will not be guilted into it by a siblings martyrdom.

that said i took them both to drs appointments last week as I was at home and they are only ten minutes round the corner. You reap what you sow. I feel no obligation though. Even if all of my siblings wanted to wade in and provide care I will not, because I do not want to.

I think it’s often the reverse. The one who gets more does less. They tend to be more entitled so are happier to push back; often the parents are aware that the child who got less still wants to be loved so continues to try and prove themselves by stepping up; or because the parents never helped on child they assume they have capacity to help.

I think that parents should help their kids out where they can and vice versa. Just as it’s odd when parents give loads of support to one child and none to another (unless one needs a lot more support), the same goes for the children helping their parents. Theoretically, we could all wash our hands of any support to our kids when they’re 18, but it’s not really what family is about in my view.

@Supersleepysheepy Who does help then?

@nomas I agree, I do what I can remotely and visit as much as I can. I wouldn't expect a sibling who lives closer to do everything. I'm an only so that isn't an option!

DH has a sister who lives fairly close to his parents and they've discussed the fact that all the siblings (there's four) need to help out if/when his parents eventually need support. It wouldn't be fair to leave it all to her.

the maxim 'out of sight, out of mind' tends apply in these situations, ime

I agree, the one who does the work is seen as a servant/subordinate, the other is regarded as having higher status & thus deserving of the rewards/spoils.
This maybe all or in part unconscious.

I live hundreds of miles away from my parents so my brother has done more of the support now they are elderly

I feel no guilt about this because when his kids were young they provided childcare as well as babysitting, went on holiday with them so they could have date nights, had the kids for full weekends so they could have trips away etc. this is the balance.