AIBU to think it’s none of their business?

[CakeBakingQueen]

Our oldest child is 27 and lives with us. He lived away for university but came back to live with us after finishing his degree. He got a job straight away, is progressing and earns a good wage.

He has a girlfriend he has been with for about 6 months, a good social life and pulls his weight around the house. He cooks for everyone about twice a week, helps with family stuff, does washing, ironing etc but we have a cleaner so none of us have to do that much in terms of cleaning. He can have people over when he wants. We have quite a big house so we are not under each others feet and everyone living in the house is happy. He is saving a lot of money and plans to buy a house at some point in the next few years, but as everyone is happy with the current set up, it makes sense for him to stay here and save as much as possible.

The problem we have is comments from family to us and him about when he is moving out. We are told we are making things too easy for him and he is being told he should want to move out. We have told them that everyone is happy, no one is in a rush and the more money he has the easier his future will be. The comments started when he had been back from uni for about a year and we are all getting annoyed. Last weekend after MIL going on again about it, my husband told her it’s none of her business and they need to shut up and keep out. My MIL has now cried to other family about how she was spoken to. 🙄

My son is at the point of feeling like telling them to fuck off which obviously wouldn’t go down well, so he is now choosing to go out when they visit and not visiting them himself. When he isn’t here, our middle child who is 25 is getting the same comments about when she is getting her own place.

What would you do? How do you get people to just mind their own business. My husband has said we need to see less of them if they’re not getting the message.

I really don’t understand the doing no favours You are doing your dc a massive favour as they can save a deposit.
It’s good your dh isn’t tolerating this.
I’d stop seeing them as much and if they say anything say we are all happy in our house with the set up, stop bringing it up it’s not a topic for discussion.
Maybe turn it on her and say when are you moving into a retirement home, doing you no favours in a house you don’t need.

Reply “never! We feel so lucky to have raised children we genuinely like spending time with as adults and it’s so nice to be included in their adult lives!” On repeat.

I left home at 17 for uni, and then moved abroad but my Dad, who’s now passed was happy to have any of my siblings back! I would love to be able to go home :( feel free to whip out the morbidity and tell guests “well one day we will be dead and they won’t live with us then” make family bets on how they will respond to that

We had the same , one of my twin daughter's ( 33) still lives with us . She has just bought her first house, she's having a bit of work done before she moves in. People seemed to think she should have moved out before. She's always worked , even when she was doing her teaching degree. She's not moving far , but we'll miss her dreadfully

This.

Why do they care so much , I'd ask that then well do you want to fund the move ? your dh was right to tell his dm to butt out . Things have changed and just because they were glad to see the back of their children doesn'tmean you are. They are ruining their own relationships with their grandkids . Is there a chance they think they may move in with you when the kids are moved out

I agree with your husband, see less of them.

They are rude for commenting and haven't stopped when your DH talked to them.

Next time and every time thereafter, one response: “what makes you think it is any of your business how we live our lives? We don’t really care what you think and would like you to stop with these questions”.

Don’t explain don’t give reasons. If they persist then stand up and say let’s end this visit before it gets uncomfortable and walk away or show them out.

You may see less of a few family members and your son can hang around the house more.

I think your husband handled it very well.
As is your son by going out and not visiting.

They are rude.
It is non of their business.

I wouldn't invite them to visit and would see them less at their address.
Telling them the conversation is not up for discussion and telling them its time for you to leave, if they persist.

I wouldn't tolerate this rudeness and I wouldn't want to be around it.

Respect your sons decision to completely avoid them.

Well done to your husband.
Any blowback from family, shut it down firmly as being rude too.

Same age as you and exactly this. Your son sounds lovely and people can be such arses.

We told FIL that the mortgage Ds can get is only X times his salary which won't even touch a 2 bed on our street
I think the mistake people make is sharing these sorts of details in the first place. Once you tell (some) people anything about your finances, they'll see it as carte blanche to have and express an opinion on them.

Absolutely none of their business. I would hate my kids to pay rent if they could live with me and save.

They sound like quite toxic relatives.

Could you try sending a neutral card saying "Something keeps happening which is upsetting us. When you criticise our adult children for saving their money rather than moving out, it causes so much distress and frustration. We understand you have opinions but at the end of the day it is their decision and our decision. Things have got to the point where we're not willing to be part of any more conversations around this issue. We don't want to see x and y feeling like they have to avoid you rather than face critical comments on this issue, either. You're free to choose not to see us if you would prefer that but we cannot have the issue of x and y moving out as a conversation topic on your part ever again. We're only drawing this boundary because so much distress has been caused and we care about the relationships in our family. Please consider this our invitation to move forward together."

I think its great you're helping him get set up properly for life... yes your hubby's right maybe say if you can't keep your comments to yourself you won't be seeing us.
How we choose to help our son is our business keep your comments to yourselves I cant stand family for these situations .

Sounds like you all have a set up that works for everyone and if they don’t like it they can lump it.
It is not as if your adult son is being mollycoddled, not paying his way and acting like a 10 year old.
Perhaps MIL would rather be living with you and sees this situation as a blockade the longer it goes on.

He sounds great and so do you. Perhaps a form conversatiom with those commenting about how you actually like your children, they're well brought up to contribute and it's wonderful to be so close.

I’ve never understood the whole thing around people wanting kids to move out in their early 20s as they are ‘adults’ and society pressurising them to do so. Those kids then become adults who are renting and perpetually complaining about how hard and impossible purchasing property is

I'd keep telling them to mind their own business. And also let your son deal with it himself, if DDs told anyone to fuck off for saying stuff like that I'd be fully behind their reaction!

Christ, who's got the time for this?!
Next time someone says something, look them in the eye and say, 'I'm sick of hearing your opinions on this. Pack it in.' Walk away.
Let them cry/be annoyed/bitch behind your backs. I'm sure you've all got better things to worry about.

It's not revealing a great deal of financial information to point out what should be utterly fucking obvious to anyone. FIL sounds as thick as two short planks.

Honestly, crying about your grandchild making wise financial decisions, because you'd wanted him to be struggling with unsustainable debt in substandard housing instead. Bonkers.

Oh, I don't disagree. I just mean, some people, if you give them any info they will take it as an 'in' and start involving themselves.
Best approach, I find, is never to talk about things you don't want people to pick apart.
I'd never have brought up a mortgage, any hint of what the DS's salary is, anything like that.

It isn't anyone else's business .
I would have hated it as a young person ( moved out at 18 ,never went back).
I would never have dated anyone of your sons age who was living at home. Clearly he doesn't feel uncomfortable about it and neither does his girlfriend.

I was married, had bought a house and had 2 small children by his age. I guess times are different.
The fundamental thing is that you are all okay with it. If MIL doesn't like it she can gift him money ( or mind her own business)

I get the same op - there is a very good reason my 27 year old DS is still here. My parents know why he and his girlfriend haven’t moved out yet and are saving up and currently house hunting .

But I still get the “you make his life too easy” thing (which don’t ) Annoying but I just don’t respond now. People need to keep their nose out of others lives.

Sadly, it seems our parents and those of their generation do this. Speak from their experiences and wisdom from them.

They don't get that things are different; that their children, and now their grandchildren live in a world where things are so different and their experiences are outdated.

My poor children have had to deal with this. And so have I. My OH lives with it. Says it's no use talking to his folk (I admit, the same applies to/with my DM. My DF has always said one has to do what suits one best).

I've been teaching my children that we need to have open conversations to educate others, and it's that much more difficult to have them with people who are certain about their views being the only one. But we have to try.

My FiL said things like boys don't cry, boys don't wear pink, there's no such thing as them Vs s/he. So, I started having discussions around the dining table, albeit only for important things. A discussion about what their parents thought about gay/lesbian or even people who were not from their all-white village got us to acceptance on the 'they/them' label.

You can try. Then clearly communicate boundaries and tolerance on the topic and then enforce them.
This way they know your collective stance.

And that it was and is none of their business.

Obviously, you can do it in a way that suits you best.

You sound like you have done an amazing job at parenting.
Absolutely no one else's business!