AIBU to think it’s none of their business?

[CakeBakingQueen]

Our oldest child is 27 and lives with us. He lived away for university but came back to live with us after finishing his degree. He got a job straight away, is progressing and earns a good wage.

He has a girlfriend he has been with for about 6 months, a good social life and pulls his weight around the house. He cooks for everyone about twice a week, helps with family stuff, does washing, ironing etc but we have a cleaner so none of us have to do that much in terms of cleaning. He can have people over when he wants. We have quite a big house so we are not under each others feet and everyone living in the house is happy. He is saving a lot of money and plans to buy a house at some point in the next few years, but as everyone is happy with the current set up, it makes sense for him to stay here and save as much as possible.

The problem we have is comments from family to us and him about when he is moving out. We are told we are making things too easy for him and he is being told he should want to move out. We have told them that everyone is happy, no one is in a rush and the more money he has the easier his future will be. The comments started when he had been back from uni for about a year and we are all getting annoyed. Last weekend after MIL going on again about it, my husband told her it’s none of her business and they need to shut up and keep out. My MIL has now cried to other family about how she was spoken to. 🙄

My son is at the point of feeling like telling them to fuck off which obviously wouldn’t go down well, so he is now choosing to go out when they visit and not visiting them himself. When he isn’t here, our middle child who is 25 is getting the same comments about when she is getting her own place.

What would you do? How do you get people to just mind their own business. My husband has said we need to see less of them if they’re not getting the message.

Ask them if they're planning to gift the money for a deposit to them so they can move out. If not, they can shut the fuck up.

As ever, first post has nailed it.

Sounds like you are a lovely family who support each other. No one else’s business.

"our children are welcome to live here as long as they like, we are happy, they are happy and able to save for their future, your opinion on this matter is both irrelevant and unwelcome". If MIL wants to go cry about it that's her problem.

Keep repeating it is none of their business and you will not be discussing it with them. If they keep doing it I would either get up and leave or else ask them to leave.

This is an akward time of transition. Some of the older generations don't understand what it's like for younger folks nowadays and recall leaving home young and making their way. I say this as a mid 50s woman who left home at 17 and never looked back. Times were different. When I look at my friends with children and the situaitons they're in, I think there will be more extentions and loft conversions as we return to multi generational home life.

None of their business and why do they care anyway? I did the same- I stayed at home until 29 and bought my first flat then. My parents always encouraged us to save for a deposit instead of paying rent so that’s what we did.

They say we are doing our children no favours as they aren’t dealing with ‘real life’. They constantly praise other younger family members who have moved out and let us know they think they are doing better than our children. It doesn’t seem to matter that we are all happy with the situation because in their opinion mid to late twenties is too old to be living with your parents.

We love having our DC with us, we have such a close supportive relationship and of course they are saving to have a 50% deposit on 4 bed detached house when they move out (it some ridiculous priced property for the area where you live).

Tell the negative Nellie’s to piss off! I lived with my parents till I was 41!!
Very similar circumstances, I paid rent did my own washing, helped around the house. Plenty of space so we weren’t under each other’s feet and all got on well together! Plus they got free cat care when they went on holidays!

Tell them to piss off and if they continue to make comments they will no longer be welcome as your dc are actively avoiding them.

If you are all happy in YOUR home. Nothing wrong here. Your house. Nobody elses business end of.

You need to shut this down immediately, every single time. They need to be told it’s none of their business and you have nothing else you wish to add on the matter. I would also say that should they keep trying to add their opinion, they will no longer be welcome to visit. You need to nip it in the bud. Your husband ie right- see them less!

Hats off to your husband! He’s dead right, just follow his lead.

Tell them you are doing them a massive favour by giving them that chance to be a property owner one day and that he does as much housework etc as the rest of you. Then tell them you don’t want to hear anymore about it.

FIL has been making comments about our eldest still living at home, he is 23. He even said the children still come on holiday with you? Yes, we enjoy their company and they are a bloody delight.

Our 23 year old landed a graduate job straight out of uni. We told FIL that the mortgage Ds can get is only X times his salary which won't even touch a 2 bed on our street. Therefore he needs and massive, whopper of a deposit which gives him choices. He has saved a lot of money but wants the deposit, money to furnish the place and some money for a car. He doesn't need a car here as he borrows mine once a week.

Both children are lovely, cook, do their own laundry and they each both have a room they can chill in as well as their bedrooms. That means everyone gets their own space or can all come together to socialise.

12.30 today both children (Ds2 is home from uni for the summer) will come into the lounge to eat lunch with me and Dh and we will be watching an old episode of Location, Location, Location. They are both actively looking at houses on Rightmove to see what is available, house prices, locations etc. There is no need for them to rush into buying just for the sake of it. They will move out when they are ready unless someone gifts them a serious amount of money before that.

Tell them to piss off , i think its great you have your son home and only want the best for him. Cant understand why most cant wait for kids to move out and not return . Says a lot about them and not you!.

Why are you worried if someone cries because they are told to mind their own business?

the tears are because they know they are wrong and are embarrassed and guilty

if they try to accuse you of making them cry you tell them to STFU and stop being such a baby

They are being so rude and I wonder if they're jealous or projecting their own feelings about their own situations "well I wouldn't like it so they must hate it and just need a nudge" . I'd respond "it suits us" and if they say any more about it, be clear that it's not up for discussion, and if necessary, stop seeing them in your home.
They cannot continue making your children uncomfortable in their own home.

I'd deal with it by continuing to tell anyone who pipes up that it’s none of their business. Let them cry.
Also point out that their relationship with your DS is suffering as he's avoiding them because he's had enough of the comments. And tell them to leave your middle child the fuck alone too!
Of course, at least some of this is for your DH to say, to his mother for example.

I would be shutting the conversation down every time it was mentioned. It’s no one’s business but you and your husbands.

Your son is lucky that he has supportive parents and is being able to save up for his own home one day.
Also He is pulling his weight around the house. You and your husband have done a good job raising him.

You are all happy with how things are which is the main thing so don’t let anyone ruin that.

Just see less of them.

you’ve spoken to them, they aren’t going to stop.

Why do they give a shit?

They are being extremely rude.

Say that your DC are avoiding them as they are being so annoying about this. Is that really what they want?

The important question!

I lived with parents for 44 years even though I'd been with my fella for 14 of those years and stayed at his weekends. Mum and Dad were moderately comfortable and could afford for me to pay only £20 a week house keeping money. I moved in with my fella 12 yrs ago. But loved the time spent at home although it meant I was much more involved with my parents which had a devastating effect on me when I lost my Dad and then my Mum.