AIBU to think it’s none of their business?

[CakeBakingQueen]

Our oldest child is 27 and lives with us. He lived away for university but came back to live with us after finishing his degree. He got a job straight away, is progressing and earns a good wage.

He has a girlfriend he has been with for about 6 months, a good social life and pulls his weight around the house. He cooks for everyone about twice a week, helps with family stuff, does washing, ironing etc but we have a cleaner so none of us have to do that much in terms of cleaning. He can have people over when he wants. We have quite a big house so we are not under each others feet and everyone living in the house is happy. He is saving a lot of money and plans to buy a house at some point in the next few years, but as everyone is happy with the current set up, it makes sense for him to stay here and save as much as possible.

The problem we have is comments from family to us and him about when he is moving out. We are told we are making things too easy for him and he is being told he should want to move out. We have told them that everyone is happy, no one is in a rush and the more money he has the easier his future will be. The comments started when he had been back from uni for about a year and we are all getting annoyed. Last weekend after MIL going on again about it, my husband told her it’s none of her business and they need to shut up and keep out. My MIL has now cried to other family about how she was spoken to. 🙄

My son is at the point of feeling like telling them to fuck off which obviously wouldn’t go down well, so he is now choosing to go out when they visit and not visiting them himself. When he isn’t here, our middle child who is 25 is getting the same comments about when she is getting her own place.

What would you do? How do you get people to just mind their own business. My husband has said we need to see less of them if they’re not getting the message.

Bet the family are envious you told her to stfu. They haven't the guts. Or send her links to suitable properties and suggest she buys him one..

This is brilliant! Please say this!

What would you do?
Start telling them how to live their lives. See how they like that!
What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

Next time one of them mentions it ask "Why do you care about it?" Make them explain, don't accept generalities. Watch them squirm.

I agree with the other posters. Its no ones business who lives in your house if you are happy with the situation. I would be very robustly telling MIL to mind her own business and cutting down on the visits until she learns to. Like some of the others here I left home at 22 and never looked back. I would have cut my throat with a rusty saw rather than move back in with my parents but that was way back i the 1960s when flats were easy to get. My mother used to pass personal remarks on my lifestyle and after repeated warnings I saw less and less of her. Eventually moved t another city and hardly saw her.

'Are you feeling alright Mabel? I was only saying to DH the other day that I'm a bit worried about you. You keep bringing this up but I'm quite sure I told you we were all perfectly happy so there was no need to discuss it. Loss of memory can be the start of something. Maybe you should call the doctor.'

Continue to discuss at length even when told there is no problem and its none of your business to illustrate the point....

I used to get this when I was renting. 'haven't you bought yet?' ' No, do you want to give me 20 grand? Because if not there isn't really anything to discuss'. People are idiots.

Keep asking them when they are going to downsize.

You say to them
"Are you aware that by sharing your opinions, commenting on our living situation and comparing our adult children you are seriously harming previously good relationships between us. Your comments won't change where anyone lives, but they are causing a lot of upset. I'm sure your intention isn't to cause bad feelings, so I'm being very direct about this now before long lasting damage is done."

Then the ball is in their court, is sharing their opinion more important to them then maintaining good family relationships?

Our eldest DS , age 26 lives at home, he works FT, he’s saving money for his future.
My DM and DF are sadly no longer with us, but my cantankerous MIL is, she makes comments, always has done and no doubt always will, I don't see her but on occasion my DH cant help but tell me what shes said-
the one person who does wind me up is BIL, DH’s brother-who still lives with her, never moved out, never had a relationship with anyone, he tells my DH that we need to “sort out” our DS, can you believe the irony! His DM still irons his boxers! FFS!
Our DS helps with washing, ironing, cooks for him and his Dsis, he has struggled and still does to an extent , with his social skills, he has dyspraxia.
He has done amazingly well with his life, he had a hideous time at school with bullying, went on to do an apprenticeship and was offered a job.
None of my family make comments, I think they realise how expensive life is for the younger generation, its all very worrying
Tell people to mind their own business, they have no idea!

I'd be tempted to say he's never moving out, you're paying him to stay because he's going to care for you in your dotage! 😆

Maybe MIL has been dreaming about moving in with her son (her married son, who has adult children and who doesn’t need more)!

Tell them having their own home is a wonderful thing and they can fuck off back to it ☺️

Tell them that you are happy with the way things are, happy with your son's plan, delighted you are able to help him and to keep their unmasked for opinions to themselves.

As previous posters have suggested, next time they bring it up ask them if they’re offering a down payment on a mortgage.

"At your age it is time for you to be thinking of downsizing. That would release some capital that you might think of sharing with our son so he can afford a house deposit."

Your immediate family all need to give your wider family the same and direct message, enough is enough with their unwanted interferance which is insensitive, innapropriate and down right rude.

If your DS tells them to effoff, as his parents you need to show them you are on his side.

Its absalutely crazy to be honest because you got it, you are all happy and have found a way of living which suits you all so magnificently well and I say good on you all for that its superb and I am genuinly happy for you and your immediate family, as you are a shining example to many others.

The kids are not in the same situation as we were buying houses and.rent is expensive so why not be at home if it’s not upsetting the family who live together. I think you should just say we love them being at home they are independent and we don’t skivvy after them no one is being forced to stay we are doing what suits us a family not bowing down to outside family telling us how to live our lives. If it bothers you so much you don’t have to visit us.

They say we are doing our children no favours

You look them in the eye and say "hell no, who'd do the ironing if DS moved out"

Seriously though, I had a family member that woukd come to my house and guaranteed every visit would be "if I were you I'd" blah blah blah.

One day I did look them in the eye and say "but you're not me are you, so it's totally irrelevant what you'd think or do".

It sounds like you have raised your children beautifully and your set up is admirable as a child who, along with all siblings, were thrown out as teenagers. I can only hope to provide for my children as you managed to do so. You should be proud and tell them all to fuck off.

I think it's absolutely wonderful what you are doing!!!
Tell everyone to piss off and keep their nose out. It's your house your rules.
It think it would be different story if they were lazy didn't help around the house and didn't work they are doing all of these things.
You have the room so it's no problem why would they sleep and eat somewhere else pay ridiculous amount of rent when they can do that with you and save their money. It's so hard these days to save for a house.
I hope I can do this for my kids one day.

FIL has been making comments about our eldest still living at home, he is 23. He even said the children still come on holiday with you? Yes, we enjoy their company and they are a bloody delight.

I think some people just cannot fathom families where parents and adult children don't just get along OK but genuinely love each other's company and being around each other. Maybe she is bitter that she didn't have such loving, supporting parents at that age; or maybe she feels guilty that she wasn't such a loving, supporting parent herself. Nobody wants a grown-up child who is still being babied and held back by their parents and contributing nothing, but OP's case is worlds apart from this.

A minority of older folk really do struggle with understanding and accepting that the world has changed and that younger generations may not choose (or even have available to them) the same paths that they did - and that neither of them was right or wrong; they are just different people living at different stages of different lives.

It is virtually impossible to both rent and save for a deposit nowadays.
You are doing what works for you and your DS. It is no one else's business.

Yes, it's an extremely immature situation to be in... to poke your nose into another adult's perfectly normal personal choices, criticise them because they happen to differ from your own choices, and then cry when they remind you of this (what should be) obvious fact.

It's very ironic indeed: her suggesting that OP's adult children are big babies, when she should be looking in the mirror instead!

A lot of people are really rude about men, in particular, living with their mum (if it was only dad, they don't seem to whine as much)-think of all the comments about apron strings, don't take a man from his mummy, all the people who say they wouldn't date a man who lives with his mum...so maybe MIL is just too influenced by these sorts of things.
Tell her you aren't bothered by people's prejudices, explain how difficult it if for youngsters compared to your generation-and say you're having this conversation once. If she mentions it again, unfortunately you'll have to hang up/leave. Eventually she'll get the message.

In dh's culture families all live together. Everyone contributes. My dc are working, earning, if they weren't in different countries I would be happy to have them at home. This obsession with getting kids out as soon as possible will have to change because property is in short supply and unaffordable for many.