Am I wrong for still having girls' nights out now that I'm married?

[hytury]

I'm 30 Year old women and I've been married for three months. My husband and I were together for almost 15 years before getting married. He was actually my childhood best friend, so we've basically grown up together.

I've always had girls' nights with my best friends. As we got older, it became something we usually did about once a month. When my husband was away for a week or travelling for work, sometimes we'd do it a little more often.

There are basically two types of girls' nights for us.

Sometimes we'll actually go out a bar, club, restaurant, cinema, whatever. Other times we'll just end up at one of our apartments, open a bottle of wine, order food and spend hours talking about absolutely everything.

And honestly, it's never been about getting male attention or going out to flirt or cheat. We're just friends having a good time together. If we're at a club, we're dancing with each other. If we're at a restaurant, we're eating and talking. Sometimes we don't even leave someone's apartment.

Since getting married, though, I've had a few people make comments along the lines of, "You're married now, you probably shouldn't be going out to pubs/clubs with your friends anymore."

I genuinely don't understand this.

Why would getting married mean I suddenly can't spend time with my female friends? I'm not going out every weekend. It's usually once a month, and quite often it's something completely innocent like dinner or a movie anyway.

My husband isn't controlling about it either. He has his own friends and his own life, and I don't expect marriage to mean that either of us stops doing things independently.

So I'm curious do other married women still have regular girls' nights And what do you consider reasonable when it comes to going to bars or clubs after marriage

Also, where do people draw the line regarding attention from the opposite sex? Personally, I don't think simply being approached or getting attention is cheating. You can't control whether someone finds you attractive or tries to talk to you. What matters is how you respond to it.

Obviously, deliberately flirting, exchanging numbers, kissing someone, hooking up, etc. would be completely different territory for me. But I'm genuinely interested in other people's opinions. Is having a girls' night out after marriage completely normal, or do you think some things should change once you're married?

Who has said this and what century do they live in?? "Since getting married, though, I've had a few people make comments along the lines of, "You're married now, you probably shouldn't be going out to pubs/clubs with your friends anymore.""

It's no-one else business but yours. Of course you can go out as much as you want to. You're not chained to your husband.

With the opposite sex I don't think a married person should be going out with the intention of 'getting attention' but nothing wrong with talking to someone else. Similar to you I've been with my DH since university and I've done loads of stuff with my friends - girls holidays, festivals, clubbing, hen weekends etc. Didn't change once we got married. Has reduced since we had a baby but that's out of necessity rather than not wanting to go out!

Who said such shite to you? Totally normal to have nights out with mates post marriage. What an utterly bizarre thing to say to you.

Since we don't appear to live in Gilead (yet) I see zero issue with going out with your friends post marriage. Those who have a problem with married women being seen in public should have their hard drives examined.

Who is saying this to you ? Of course you can go out with your friends. I am old enough to be your mum and I have never heard anyone my age say married women are not "allowed out" with their friends.

Of course you need to be going out with your girlfriends. You need those friendships and you’re young and child-free and should be enjoying yourself . I draw the line at chatting with other men at all. It’s not cheating but it is disrespectful to your spouse. Any attempts at chatting up need to be nipped in the bud immediately in my view . So if guys come over to a group of married women they should be sent off. If some of your girlfriends are single it’s more complicated in that of course they can chat to who they like, then if a female friend chats to you while your buddies are getting it on, what can you do? But you need to be really clear in your mind not to be flirting. That’s just my (very clear) view

I'm more than double your age, been married decades and have always had nights out and girlfriend holidays every single year! (Except a couple of years when DCs were tiny)
The nights out have decreased the older I've got but the holidays haven't... once a year without fail.

Where is it law that when you get married you give up your independence?!

My husband's Mom and his Aunt......I felt Disgusting!!

I didn't Push back them.... Don't want carry cold relationship

I can remember my mums generation used to have "selling parties" so the married women having somewhere "acceptable " to go out because back in the 70s and early 80s it was seen as odd married women went out with their friends. So they were all getting sloshed at tupperware parties 😂

You felt disgusting? You know their opinions don't matter. If you are your husband are happy with your life together others and their frankly archaic opinions can jog on.

I’m 52 and I’ve been with DH since I was 18, married at 23. Regularly go out with friends, back in the swing of it now the kids are young adults. DH isn’t as sociable as me and he trusts me. He encourages me to go out because he knows it makes me happy.

In theory there's nothing wrong with it, but let's face it, we've all probably heard of or know of married women that have "crossed the line" (to a greater or lesser extent) on "girls' nights out" or "girls' holidays", so let's not pretend that it isn't a thing! Maybe that's where your MIL and aunt are coming from.

Do it now - harder when you all have babies! I’m in my 60s and a widow but we for sure had nights out individually with our friends!

OK - that is a whole new problem.

If your MIL and his aunt are criticising you for going out, how long before they start criticising everything else? How you cook, how badly you do the housework, how you make DH cook and do his share of the housework, etc. etc.
It will get 100x worse when a baby is on the way.

You need to get used to standing up to them over the small things: answer back and put them in their place. Tell them they are wrong. You must do this, don't keep quiet just to keep the peace.
Otherwise you won't be able to stand up to them over the big things and they could make your life hell. Then your marriage will suffer.

I’ve been married for 17 years. For those entire 17 years, I’ve carried on going out with my female friends regularly. No one has ever told me that I shouldn’t be doing this.

Not at all, you can have as many girl's night's out as you want. Your husband can pick up the slack.

Why did you feel disgusting? It's none of their business.
You need to learn to stand up for yourself otherwise they'll think they can control everything you do. Particularly if you do have children, you will not want their forced input on your decisions!!

Can’t you rebadge it to sound less like a hen do to the deliberately offended? ‘I’m going out to dinner with my friends’ might sound less alarming to the Victorian pearl clutchers. It’s exactly the same thing but has fewer negative connotations. ‘On Saturday I’m going to see a film with Sarah and Abby’. ‘Veronica’s invited a few of us for a drink at hers next week’.

You shouldn’t have to, but anything which oils the wheels of relationships without much effort seems like a good idea.

Jesus - who the fuck says this shit to you? Sounds like something my mother would have said- she would be 90 if she was still alive.
l’m in my 50’s, been married for nearly 25 years and go out regularly/ go away with my female friends. My DH has just been away with his male friends.

Of course you should carry on spending time with your friends in whatever way you see fit at every point in your life. Your MIL and aunt are being ridiculous. Ignore them.

That's one of the most ridiculous things I've heard. Are his mum and aunt from a different culture? I just can't fathom why they would say this. It's really odd. Do they expect your DH to stop going out too or is it just the women who need to stay indoors? Are they against married women working too?

Bizarre that anyone would say that to you? Are we living in Afghanistan? Are married women not allowed to go out without their husbands in tow?

Fgs no. Of course you can go out. If you end up with children I’m betting it will be far more apartment and restaurant than pubs and clubs!

That's a clear boundary

But when you're out, it's normal for men to try to talk to you, or flirt. I don't mind talking, but flirting isn't good

I work at a luxury jewelry brand as a client manager honestly, my job is to talk with people, sometimes rich men. So if that makes me cross a line or feels like cheating on my husband, that's not my intention

I attend events and things like that. If some men find me attractive or flirt with me, I don't mind, honestly except it does boost my self-esteem a bit. But in any social circle, my intention isn't to get attention or to cheat on my husband

My ages 40+ 3 daughters still have friends meetups, holidays at home and short breaks abroad together..All married with children. No need to be as I was in the 80's - very rare Tupperware parties and occasional cinema meet up dropped off by our husbands then picked up by one or other husband...

Definitely no weekend away hen do's or hols together with old friends....
SO please don't give up being YOU girls....men certainly don't.

Who said this to you ("You're married now, you probably shouldn't be going out to pubs/clubs with your friends anymore.")?

Do you live in some sort of Amish community?