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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel we have less time for intimacy now that our dc are grown

69 replies

Vicksstick · 12/08/2026 18:56

Ok so I’m just going to be blunt and ask you, especially those of you who are in relationships and have teenagers/adult kids in the house. How on earth do you manage a decent regular sex life? Honestly there is always someone in our house if it’s not one of our kids it’s another and they all have different sleep patterns due to school/jobs/uni, working night shifts etc.

Me and my husband are going through shall we say a dry spell, more like a drout, and it’s super frustrating. Both of us overheard our parents at it when we were younger so we both agreed that our kids would never be subjected to the same. I mean they know we have that kind of relationship they’re not stupid and they know that it’s a completely natural thing but we cannot switch off and get in the mood when they’re trudging around the house.

We live in a 3 storey house the kids are all on the top floor, our bedroom is on the middle floor with the living room and kitchen being downstairs. Our daughter (20) who is directly above our room tells us she can hear us chatting (actually chatting nothing else lol) and laughing when she’s in her room and we are in our room say watching tv or just chilling, so we are very conscious of the fact if she can hear us talk she may hear other things. She is also at home at the moment about to start her third year of uni and all her friends live miles away apart from her football friends but she only trains with them once a week and maybe goes out every two weeks of an evening.

Our eldest child (22) works from home (doing cyber/stockmarket/finance work) and his hours are usually at night Tuesday-Friday. Whilst he is respectful of the fact we all work in the day and need to sleep at night he obviously eats and does other things on a different schedule to us so is always about at some point doing one thing or another.
Our youngest child 14 year old obviously goes to school but he’s at that age that come the weekend he wants to stay up later and he’s autistic so he’s a bit up and own and wants company at odd hours lol.

Then there’s the fact our house despite sounding big ish in fact isn’t and despite us all having our rooms there feels like there is little privacy especially for me and my husband. We used to be intimate around once or twice a week which I know may not sound much to some but it was enough for us as we have busy lives, but now it’s like once a month if we are lucky.

Apart from booking nights away which we do but obviously can’t afford to do all the time what else can we do? If he books a day off work there’s always something that crops up eh or our eldest ends up staying up until midday and then by that time we’ve started doing other thorns eg round the house or our daughter has finished uni early and comes home a bit earlier than expected. I feel like we just can’t relax and have a normal intimate relationship and it’s getting me down. Plus I feel like my husband has sadly gotten used to it now and isn’t quite as bothered anymore, although he says this isn’t true, so that makes me feel really upset. AIBU to ask for suggestions on what we can do to improve things.

OP posts:
thereisnomeaning · 12/08/2026 23:17

Almost never happens here. Grown children in the home is a real passion killer. I have no libido anyway. Not sure if that's menopause of lack of privacy, but it is what it is.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 12/08/2026 23:21

We got a Campervan…

Sparrowsandbudgies · 12/08/2026 23:21

Boppydoodah · 12/08/2026 22:25

DH & I treat it like a game - sneaking around being more teenagery than the teens, trying not to get caught. Loudish music in the bedroom at all hours (low after 10/11pm obvs), tv on, sneaking into the bathroom together for a shower, shagging in our closet or in the car, telling the kids "we're wrapping Christmas / birthday presents this afternoon, you have to stay away" etc. It's a mindset shift, that's all, and very doable. It's actually pretty fun once you get into it.

Also we got them all noise cancelling headphones for various trips we've taken, presents etc, they have options should they not want to hear anything. Those are invaluable - that, and having a sense of humor and open dialogue about sex in general as part of life really normalizes it and helps leave room for everyone to breathe and be.

I’m exhausted just reading that. Each to their own but I don’t have the headspace or energy for that anymore.

TragicMuse · 12/08/2026 23:27

Resident 18yo with insomnia who doesn’t go out much means they’re always awake and here, so we rarely get an empty house to be able to relax.

Most recently on the rare occasions they have left the house I’ve either had a UTI or just been really not up for sex or we get performance anxiety and it’s a bit of a damp squib

I love my husband and I love sex with him but it’s vanishingly rare. And that does make me sad sometimes.

Boppydoodah · 12/08/2026 23:30

Sparrowsandbudgies · 12/08/2026 23:21

I’m exhausted just reading that. Each to their own but I don’t have the headspace or energy for that anymore.

None of this is exhausting. We're not at it like rabbits, 2-3 times a week with a week a month off for my period. I think it feels exhausting to get started but basically having more sex = wanting more sex. Not having it = libido continuing to flatline. I look at it like treating myself - why shouldn't I have orgasms on the regular? Why shouldn't I get to go to bed early and have fun? Why shouldn't I get to turn off the Mum brain for a while and just be me - a woman with wants, and sometimes those wants includes sex, especially after a lovely massage or time listening to a musician I really like.

I'm also perennially tired, go to bed way too late, mentally exhausted and quite often headachy. Surprisingly being open to the idea of sex even in those times has been a bit of a game changer for me. I feel more alive, not less. And let's face it, if I have time and energy to Mumsnet or doomscroll and argue with politicians on Facebook, I absolutely have time and energy for sex. I just have to choose it. It's the choice that feels hard, not the actual doing of it.

Mischance · 12/08/2026 23:38

My parents used to send me to Sunday School ..........

I do remember this phase and always thought someone (maybe me?) should write a book: The Art of Silent Sex.

FunPartyIdeas · 13/08/2026 00:11

@Boppydoodah Do you do all this/have this much energy and work ft? Hats off to you! I'm 45 with 3 kids and even reading that sounds exhausting! 😀

Boppydoodah · 13/08/2026 00:19

@FunPartyIdeas early 40s, 3 kids (2 of whom are up late and 1 naturally suspicious), work 30ish hours, look after ailing parents - we found ourselves having sex less and less often, and that made me a bit depressed, so we did something about it. I listened to a lot of sex therapists and started reading smut, which helped a lot!

Looking at my phone usage stats was an eye opener. I now try limit that where I can, in favour of reading more and yes - more sex where we can get it. It's not a perfect system, we have weeks where things go wrong and neither of us want to, but it's the direction you're headed in that I find counts. We weren't ready to give up our sex life, basically, and that's where it was headed if we didn't do something proactive about the barriers.

Also I'm a bit selfish and naturally obstinate - my kids don't get to take sex away from me!

YourGreatQuail · 13/08/2026 00:20

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YourGreatQuail · 13/08/2026 00:21

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Besidemyselfwithworry · 13/08/2026 00:23

I’m menopausal and my DP has had some ED issues and thankfully now neither of us are remotely bothered 🤣 and we still have a great relationship, lots of hugs and affection but not sex and I am hugely relieved when I listen to my friends struggling with menopause and no libido and men pestering them!!
I consider myself hugely blessed- kids are 14, 10 and 7 and so we would be potentially having these same issues! But appreciate for some people it’s important to them but it’s just part of having teenagers/ young adults in the house

Boppydoodah · 13/08/2026 00:23

Grok got lost...

CoffeeBotherer · 13/08/2026 01:09

As others commented - the shower! Lots of heavy petting beforehand so the act doesn't take too long! 🕚

Also agree with the car - only once did a police car pull up behind us - they were more red faced than us. Asking a lady of a certain age if she was there "of her own free will" must have stayed with them for quite a while 🤣

Send each other saucy messages during the day and be tactile around each other, it's amazing how a raised libido can make a five minute fumble pleasurable (take it in turns to give and receive!).

LiuBei · 13/08/2026 01:54

Vicksstick · 12/08/2026 20:39

Yeah we do put the tv on or music but I don’t know I feel that the moment we do that they just know what we’re doing, especially since we don’t really watch tv in our bedroom usually as we have a decent size living room to spread out and watch our shows on a bigger tv.

This feels really fixable, just start listening to music more regularly in your room, sometimes when only one of you is in the room, so it's obviously not always covering sex noise. And then no-one is going to try and guess when it is and isn't covering up sex noises, as your kids don't want to know.

vladimirVsvolodymr · 13/08/2026 12:00

CoffeeBotherer · 13/08/2026 01:09

As others commented - the shower! Lots of heavy petting beforehand so the act doesn't take too long! 🕚

Also agree with the car - only once did a police car pull up behind us - they were more red faced than us. Asking a lady of a certain age if she was there "of her own free will" must have stayed with them for quite a while 🤣

Send each other saucy messages during the day and be tactile around each other, it's amazing how a raised libido can make a five minute fumble pleasurable (take it in turns to give and receive!).

😂😂😂😂😂😂👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

Blades2 · 13/08/2026 16:43

Thwyee adults. Either they get ear plugs or it’s time to move on out 😊

GreatSave · 13/08/2026 20:32

I honestly don’t want to have sex whilst there’s other adults in the house who will know what I’m doing. I’m a middle aged woman not a student. I’m in awe of you lot who can just crack on regardless but it just gives me the ick.
sigh.
There’s no hope for me, is there.

Hankunamatata · 13/08/2026 20:50

We put radio on and crack on.

Laura95167 · 13/08/2026 21:24

New flooring? Maybe some of those sound damping tiles?

Start watching TV louder for a bit until they think thats all youre doing then let the noise mask your noises

Do it in the shower?

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