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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel we have less time for intimacy now that our dc are grown

69 replies

Vicksstick · 12/08/2026 18:56

Ok so I’m just going to be blunt and ask you, especially those of you who are in relationships and have teenagers/adult kids in the house. How on earth do you manage a decent regular sex life? Honestly there is always someone in our house if it’s not one of our kids it’s another and they all have different sleep patterns due to school/jobs/uni, working night shifts etc.

Me and my husband are going through shall we say a dry spell, more like a drout, and it’s super frustrating. Both of us overheard our parents at it when we were younger so we both agreed that our kids would never be subjected to the same. I mean they know we have that kind of relationship they’re not stupid and they know that it’s a completely natural thing but we cannot switch off and get in the mood when they’re trudging around the house.

We live in a 3 storey house the kids are all on the top floor, our bedroom is on the middle floor with the living room and kitchen being downstairs. Our daughter (20) who is directly above our room tells us she can hear us chatting (actually chatting nothing else lol) and laughing when she’s in her room and we are in our room say watching tv or just chilling, so we are very conscious of the fact if she can hear us talk she may hear other things. She is also at home at the moment about to start her third year of uni and all her friends live miles away apart from her football friends but she only trains with them once a week and maybe goes out every two weeks of an evening.

Our eldest child (22) works from home (doing cyber/stockmarket/finance work) and his hours are usually at night Tuesday-Friday. Whilst he is respectful of the fact we all work in the day and need to sleep at night he obviously eats and does other things on a different schedule to us so is always about at some point doing one thing or another.
Our youngest child 14 year old obviously goes to school but he’s at that age that come the weekend he wants to stay up later and he’s autistic so he’s a bit up and own and wants company at odd hours lol.

Then there’s the fact our house despite sounding big ish in fact isn’t and despite us all having our rooms there feels like there is little privacy especially for me and my husband. We used to be intimate around once or twice a week which I know may not sound much to some but it was enough for us as we have busy lives, but now it’s like once a month if we are lucky.

Apart from booking nights away which we do but obviously can’t afford to do all the time what else can we do? If he books a day off work there’s always something that crops up eh or our eldest ends up staying up until midday and then by that time we’ve started doing other thorns eg round the house or our daughter has finished uni early and comes home a bit earlier than expected. I feel like we just can’t relax and have a normal intimate relationship and it’s getting me down. Plus I feel like my husband has sadly gotten used to it now and isn’t quite as bothered anymore, although he says this isn’t true, so that makes me feel really upset. AIBU to ask for suggestions on what we can do to improve things.

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 12/08/2026 19:01

It was the worst phase - I am sure my poor children are traumatised by the experience of hearing us at it. Ah well, all part of growing up.

Good news is that once they move out there is nothing as nice as a bit of afternoon delight.

Vicksstick · 12/08/2026 19:29

God I’ll be old and dried up by the time all three dc move out lol. Them hearing us isn’t an option so I guess we just have to accept it.

OP posts:
LetMeStayInBed · 12/08/2026 19:34

We had a great sex life until my daughter moved back home when she split with her boyfriend.
It didn’t occur to me that the walls in our flat were so thin (we had moved from our old house to downsize). Daughter one morning said to me “you know I can hear everything - EVERYTHING - when you are in your room. At first I thought she meant us talking - a second later and I realised what she meant. It was all downhill from there.

Doteycat · 12/08/2026 19:34

Just be really really quiet? Its not that difficult.
I used to hear my dad knocking 7 bells out of my mother. I reckoned if mine heard the odd rustle of a mum and dad who love one another they would survive.

Vicksstick · 12/08/2026 19:47

We are quiet we barely make a sound which isn’t great lol. Yet we do have a little giggle sometimes and make the odd little noise and our dd has made reference to it indirectly so she knows. Plus we can hear them walking around upstairs eg squeaky floorboards and doors so you know they could walk downstairs at any moment which is really off putting.

OP posts:
socks1107 · 12/08/2026 19:52

We are on the third floor but we are very quiet or snatch every moment they are out. We do just stay quiet though and neither adult DDs have ever said or hinted that they can hear and I’m absolutely sure my eldest would tell me!

Sparrowsandbudgies · 12/08/2026 19:56

We just don’t, much, to be honest. I guess I’m different in that I have chronic health issues and don’t really care about it much anymore, and dh understands my health issues mean I don’t feel like it much and we just sort of accept it. We have a Ds aged 14 with autism and complex needs and a dd aged 23 who is home after university and isn’t moving anywhere soon. Neither of them go out much. It’s hard to feel in the mood when you never have any alone time, to even talk yet alone anything else. We do have dates etc but when we get home we’re just knackered.

SchnitzelAgain · 12/08/2026 19:56

Give them each a tenner and send them to the cinema like my parents used to do.

Morepositivemum · 12/08/2026 19:56

16 and 18 yo up to coming up to midnight nightly. Is so difficult!!

Sparrowsandbudgies · 12/08/2026 19:58

LetMeStayInBed · 12/08/2026 19:34

We had a great sex life until my daughter moved back home when she split with her boyfriend.
It didn’t occur to me that the walls in our flat were so thin (we had moved from our old house to downsize). Daughter one morning said to me “you know I can hear everything - EVERYTHING - when you are in your room. At first I thought she meant us talking - a second later and I realised what she meant. It was all downhill from there.

Yep we’ve also had that with our (now adult) dd. And we thought we were being very, very quiet. It’s completely put me off now.

Simonjt · 12/08/2026 20:02

We’re on a different floor to our children as well, although our oldest is only eleven so obviously we don’t feel your pain.

We have sound proofed our room, it was going to be an office and we were worried airbnb guests below would hear us working on calls etc, no ones screaming their head off. It was relatively cheap to do, the most expensive bit was replacing the door. We have tested it above, below and beside and its pretty good at stopping voice transfer, it doesn’t stop things like banging of furniture very well. Its stud walls, so a hole was made in each stud and filled with wool insulation, the wooden floor was lifted and insulated, the wood floor above (sons room) again had the wooden floor lifted and insulated. The door was changed to essentially a firedoor, but it as an acoustic panel on the inside. The downside is that we can’t hear the kids or much in the house, so unless it needs to be shut we do leave the door open.

Personally I wouldn’t be as careful with a 20 and 22 year old as I would with a 14 year old.

AmITotallyBonkers · 12/08/2026 20:02

The shower on in the bathroom lol? At least it has a lock 😂

Sunshineandrainbow · 12/08/2026 20:04

Would putting TV on help as they hear that and not you.

Pleasure each other without full sex if your worried about bed making a noise.

applebee33 · 12/08/2026 20:05

Nothing worse than it! Can’t get in the mood at all lately as it just puts me off knowing teens might even cop on that we are doing it. Didn’t know how easy we had it when they were all under 8 ish ! I feel your pain . It’s the odd night away or if dh gets a day off when they are all in school lol

shellyleppard · 12/08/2026 20:05

I'm 56 and I used to cover my head with a pillow when my parents were having fun. Just let go OP and enjoy your sex life!!

BounceofBurnham · 12/08/2026 20:05

Isn't this why parents set up businesses together so they can work from home together during the daytime?! Not so easy in the summer holidays, mind.,,,

GaaNeen · 12/08/2026 20:11

So many people say they are scarred by hearing their parents shagging -
we all know it’s normal
but …. Still
it is awful to hear
so respect to you OP for not wanting to subject the kids to the noises -
Would on the duvet on the floor work ??

Hadenough32 · 12/08/2026 20:18

Stop over thinking it. Lock your bedroom door and tell kids you and their dad are off to watch a film undisturbed. They can read between the lines if they want to. Put the tv on for background noise in your room. Kids can put headphones on /in if it bothers them. Doesn't need to be a 3hr session twice a week. Save that for nights away. But half hour couple of times a week is fine if you set the boundary with your kids.

Likeiloveyou · 12/08/2026 20:21

I just gave up and got divorced 😉

DivorcedAndDelighted · 12/08/2026 20:23

This really doesn't have to be a problem. Most people have sex with other people in the house. Either put some music on or the TV and keep quiet. Unless you're loud, nobody needs to be "subjected to" anything, but I understand that you're worried as it's not what you're used to. . How about trying to bend your own rules a bit and see how you feel about it?

Get in the habit of having music on in your room for a while when you go to bed every night. Just chill out read together. Maybe a massage, but rules that it goes no further - yet. After a week or so when you're feeling braver, just try a bit of playing around but have a rule that you've got to be silent. It'll be fun! Maybe you could also agree some rules about what you can't do when kids are in the house, eg no PIV. You might find that you relax about the issue and end up breaking your own rules. But you need to start off by gently testing the boundaries that you've drawn in your own hole, which are no longer working for you.

Adults have sex, and they can do so quietly and teenage / adult DC can and do deal with it, as long as the adults are considerate and not loudly yelling and moaning.

dottiedodah · 12/08/2026 20:24

What about a cheeky Weekend away? Premier Inn or suchlike.can get quite good deals and you have a little break away .With teens its became impossible TBH.

Doteycat · 12/08/2026 20:26

Tbh id be very annoyed if my 20 yr old had the cheek to comment. At that age she should know better.
Im not swinging off the ceiling but the odd rustle?
Grow up and put in your headphones missy.

mdinbc · 12/08/2026 20:32

Gosh, that's what the laundry room is for... no teenagers ever go in there!

Vicksstick · 12/08/2026 20:36

dottiedodah · 12/08/2026 20:24

What about a cheeky Weekend away? Premier Inn or suchlike.can get quite good deals and you have a little break away .With teens its became impossible TBH.

Yeah we have done this previously but we can’t afford to go all the time like once a weekly sadly lol.

OP posts:
Vicksstick · 12/08/2026 20:38

Doteycat · 12/08/2026 20:26

Tbh id be very annoyed if my 20 yr old had the cheek to comment. At that age she should know better.
Im not swinging off the ceiling but the odd rustle?
Grow up and put in your headphones missy.

See I don’t know for sure she heard us do anything but chat/laugh but I do tend to speak a bit loudly anyway and the ceilings and walls are quite thin in our house so I think she was just complaining that it was late and the noise in general I think. Don’t think she’d dare say I can hear you you know and then like give a stern look. lol

OP posts: