AIBU to cut SIL out finally …

[Boundaries198]

AIBU to just quietly cut SIL out of my life? (Used AI to help me write this up as it’s a long story!)
Just to say upfront, I’ve used AI to help me write this because there’s years of history and when I try to explain it myself I end up rambling 😂 But the events/opinions are mine.
DH has 3 brothers and 1 sister. His sister has always been difficult/selfish/competitive according to DH – those are his words, not just mine. They had a very privileged upbringing – private schools, amazing holidays, etc – but there has always seemed to be this underlying competitiveness between the siblings.
SIL is very close to MIL. They see each other pretty much every day and SIL talks constantly about her children/their achievements etc. We live nearby too, although barely see SIL.
There have been years of little incidents, but one from years ago has always stuck with me because it happened when I was incredibly vulnerable.
I had just given birth emergency c-section after failed induction - and became very ill. I was in hospital with an infection, had been back into surgery, and my newborn was in NICU being supported with his breathing. I was also about 300 miles away from my own family.
We also had a 3yo DS.
Because of infection/vulnerable babies, the midwife asked DH if possible not to bring our 3yo onto the ward/NICU that day. I believe a couple of babies had fallen ill.
DH therefore asked MIL if she could have our older DS so he could come to the hospital and be with our baby (and me to some extent but I was quite bed ridden and very poorly).
It happened to be SIL’s birthday.
MIL apparently told DH that SIL had said she didn’t want our DS there because it was her birthday and she wanted it to be just her mum and her own DS, who was also 3 at the time.
So DH couldn’t leave our 3yo with MIL and therefore couldn’t come and be with me and our newborn.
That has honestly never left me.
Fast forward about six weeks. Baby and I were finally home after a long hospital stay. I was post-C-section, recovering from infection and still couldn’t drive because of the complications.
I asked MIL whether, just one morning a week for the next TWO weeks, she could take older DS to preschool because I was really struggling physically.
SIL was there and said something along the lines of, “Other people can do it, why can’t you?”
I said because I’m poorly and physically struggling!
I then said fine, DH would have to do it, although it would affect his work. MIL’s response was that she’d speak to DH.
And this isn’t really about those two incidents anymore. There have been years of similar behaviour and I think I’ve reached the point where I simply don’t want a relationship with SIL.
I don’t want a big confrontation. I don’t want DH to stop seeing his sister. I wouldn’t stop the children having relationships with family either. I’m happy to be polite if we’re at the same family event.
I just don’t want her in my life beyond that.
Basically treating her as DH’s sister rather than someone I personally have a relationship with.
Im very close to my brother’s wife and my mum treats her like another daughter. It’s all very different in my family. 🙏🏽
Part of me wonders whether I’m holding onto things that happened a very long time ago. But another part of me thinks that how someone treats you when you’re at your absolute lowest tells you quite a lot.
So AIBU to just keep stepping right back and stop bothering? Or do I need to let the old stuff go?

I get on with my SiL just fine.
She's lovely, non confrontational, an amazing aunt but I have zero to do with her outside of family gatherings.
Rarely text about anything other than present ideas for upcoming birthdays. Never call.
What are you stepping back from?
Just do a hi and goodbye at family get together. Small talk if you can be arsed

I get on with my brother's wife really well, and not particularly with DH's sister. I don't have anything to do with either of them outside of family gatherings, unless you count us getting together with my brother & wife & DC because we choose to.

Also wondering what you are stepping f back from if you are still going to family events. I don’t have any problem whatsoever with DH siblings but I don’t have anything to do with them outside of family gatherings for funerals, weddings or whatnot.

OP, you do need to let the old stuff go, because it’s not doing you any good to hold grudges and there’s no changing it, but you can also step back from SIL if you want to. And I know SIL was v unreasonable when you asked your MIL to take your DC to nursery, but MIL was not exactly forthcoming herself, so is it that you would hesitate to fall out with MIL but you don’t like your SIL so you’re happy to stop bothering with her? Or do you simply tolerate both of them for the sake of DH? And what does he think about all this? Is he angry with his DSis? I’d be fuming if one of my siblings was so dismissive of my DH’s suffering. I would, though, be mindful of the fact that they’re his family, and behave accordingly. These people will be in your life for as long as you’re married to DH, and MIL and SIL will always be your DC’s relatives.

You say you barely see SIL, so what exactly are cutting her out from?

Also, in both examples you gave, your MIL seems to be as much to blame as your SIL, so why aren't you as annoyed at your MIL?

In all of this upset you have missed the one person who was meant to be on your side - your HUSBAND!! HE should have been the one asking mil to help!! It was his wife and baby he was asking for help for after all!! WHY didn’t he ask his own mother for help?!!! It wasn’t your responsibility you were ill/post birth etc and HE should have been the one sorting out help not you!!

Sounds very dramatic if you barely see her.

Yeah she’s a prize bitch.

But totally enabled by your weakling husband and mil. I notice your husband didn’t get pissed off when she refused to let your mil help. Why not? I’d have kicked off good and proper about it.

I think she would be pleased to see even less of you. She’s nasty. Definitely cut her out.

But how often do you see her anyway?

And why are you ok with your dcs spending time with such a bitch? I wouldn’t be.

I'd have a harder time speaking to your MiL after she refused to look after your 3 year old when your baby was in NICU. SiL was selfish stating she didn't want him there and nasty about the school run, but it was your MiL who decided to leave you all in the lurch.

But as others have said - what are you pulling back from?

I think cos MIL has now stepped up as time has gone on… and DH does the asking not me .. but you’re right it was both of them … the fact MIL went along with it BUT it’s also the power SIL yields in that family dynamic.

DH was pretty devastated at the time … especially when me and our youngest were in hospital it was a long a stint … especially as we were not expecting me to fall ill/have surgery etc. Birthdays are like the holy grail in that family ..

and you’re right … I think I have let go to some extent. But I often play the situation in reverse like as if my mum and I would have said to my brother no we can’t have your child … we know your wife is ill with your newborn in hospital but we have a bday to celebrate.

there have been other incidents over the years and in reality yes there isn’t a lot to step back from now as I have been firmer in my boundaries. It’s hard to live far from family … and I often bump into MIL and SIL.. they’re always together and I’ve got used to not being invited etc.

MIL is a matriarch and SIL rules her too. It’s the oddest dynamic.

Yes I’ve now stepped away much more… I guess though for me it’s more like this happened then … maybe not the stepping back.

can I also say we’d only been in hospital for 5 days at this point so it was very early days.

I need to let go.

Ive just realised it’s all re-surfaced as my cousin had a baby last week that went into NICU I think all the memories have come flooding back, we’re all rallying around them. I’ve been able to support them re hospital accommodation etc and also just pockets of what’s happening with baby. I think it’s brought it all back.

Yes. When you’ve experienced being super vulnerable and scared like that, it really does stay with you. Unforgivable of your sil and your mil. And your h, frankly not to have made sure he could visit you.

Just be icily polite with your mil and sil. And yes, detach where possible and avoid.

I still wouldn’t let my DCs hang out with vile people though.

With the children tbh we don’t see them often. Like a PP said it’s usually birthdays 😬 ironically … in saying that when it nephew bday last year we were invited round but asked to pay for our food (takeaway) two things … DH Bro in law is big in business and takes home c. £750k a year in addition when I have people round for birthdays I cater well and they’re always invited and eat well (pile their plates high usually twice over). This year we have not been available for nephew bday!

I have this, OP. Where a family member is in the same situation as you and yet they are NOT having the same experience. It really hurts a lot. Just ignore them. They sound like vile, selfish people.

@SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOutyes it’s the vulnerability - hard to describe what it’s like to have a baby in NICU and feel so ill … to be in literal debilitating pain, unable to even go one floor to see your baby and to know it’s going to be harder cos your husband can’t come and help you. It was such a hectic unit - ward you needed someone to support you. I look back at photos of me then and I’m grey.. my skin is grey and I look so weak. Never mind the fact my baby is in an incubator fighting for life.

sorry feels like im rambling. Deffo one to bring to the therapist.

@CakeandcardioI’m sorry.

im not fussed about this being outing actually .. I hope they do read it.

SIL is a bitch and I would blank her personally. Or tell her to fuck off. You have to stand up to bullies. At the moment she’s the Queen Bee and everyone is afraid of her.

Really, what would happen if you told her to fuck herself?

@Boundaries198

2 things

1. Research and try 3 step rewind.

my 2nd was in nicu. Its awful.
My inlaws were equally appalling. My mil couldnt text let alone call to see how I was but could monopolise DHs time via telephone (& he let her) meaning I was forced to walk 10k steps 24 hours after a section each day as he was fucking nowhere to be found. My nicu unit was awful, I thought at points my son would die. i had ptsd by the end... I carried a huge amount of anger towards my husband and his family which ultimately just serves no one. I assumed it was nonsense and wouldnt work but honestly it was the best thing I cpuld have done.

2.My inlaws are very different to my family and i've found it hard. The above behaviour is just a reflection of their values...My mil and bil are both all about how it looks, money and material goods...very "what's in it for me. Ive been embarassed by how happy they are to use people. They also take the piss financially with dh which sonce havong kids i stopped.
Sil his wife is unfortunately similar. It's hard. I've just dropped the rope. I have to see her 5 -6 x per.year and bil/sil twice a year
After last time I have said they cannot stay in our house.

We dont see them much, i don't give it headspace, i prefer it.

@THisbackwithavengeancebecause she’s still DH sister … but to be honest PPs are right … I have little to do with her now… I focus on my own friends and life… it’s busy.

I have the relationship I ‘need’ to have … DH’s DBs wives so DH SILs literally never come visit and have nothing to do with her. They have the advantage of living about 100 miles away!

SIL is a trouble causer in other ways (a gossip) it’s best not to be involved in her world. It’s uncomfortable being around her ranting about other people as that’s not my nature.

I have an opinionated, judgemental SIL. She made an unforgivable comment when I was pregnant with DS. It still shocks me.
However after 20 years and all our children grown up,I have learnt to gently push back. The reality is everyone finds her difficult not just me and those that cope best like her parents, come from her needing them too. She doesn’t need me of course.
Once I understood her world view it was easier to not get upset.

With your SIL she’s clearly in her own small bubble. Whereas you come from a place that accommodates extended family. Lower your expectations and be proactive with the bits that don’t work. She doesn’t invite you? Don’t feel you should invite her to similar things. It’s not petty or mean, she simply doesn’t see the same value in you or your relationship.

I had a toxic MIL & BIL on my husband’s side. Again not to my face or directly, things like I had to be taken to hospital in an ambulance as I had a medical emergency and my MIL told my husband he should go on holiday without me (we weee on way to airport). BIL was always inviting my husband out and then suggesting that I was controlling if he didn’t go. I’m talking to lad weekends away to Ibiza etc. we had four young kids. BIL also had a wife and children but didn’t think he had to be faithful or present - out every weekend and during the week. When he separated (walked out on family 8 days before Christmas) MIL said it was as ex did not cook him dinner when he came in. He also never learned my siblings/parents names (after I had been in a relationship for 20 yrs with his brother). A couple of years ago I just snapped (I think it was after he asked me my parents names at a family gathering) I knew then that I would not make any effort ever again. I can’t explain but it was “the straw that broke the camel’s back” moment. I did not say anything at that moment, however at another meeting not much later, BIL introduced me to new GF - I was very rude to him (embarrassed him) this led to a massive row with my husband, but I just said to husband, no I have been treated badly by him for years and I won’t pretend it’s not happening any more. You have a relationship with him, I can be polite, I can put on a good front but he is a total sh*t and I won’t pretend otherwise. It also happened that about a year before this he came to a friends birthday drinks and said hello to whole table but blanked me - I told my husband during this row and he said “no way would he have done that” so I said ask your friends - it was fantastic as BIL had been doing that for years but was always cleaver enough not to do in public, until he slipped up. Anyway it’s all settled, I feel free, less stressed and husband happy. I don’t talk about them, if we see them in very polite - we have been on holiday together since and was fine. In a weird way BIL in now much nicer and even recently texted to say he hopes my parent is ok as they were in hospital. MIL I stopped making big effort with. I let all communication go via husband (children birthday gift etc) sorry for the long rant! But basically step back and make peace with the fact that they are not nice and it’s ok for you to know that. Be polite for your husbands sake and all will be fine

I would never contact her again, and beyond greeting her at the odd family event I would never bother again. You don't need to play nice. You can just wave and say hello and talk to anyone but her. Don't invite her over, and pull back.

You don't need to be unkind, and always remain civil and on nodding terms, but beyond that she does not get to have a relationship with you.

Dh can organise his own family and tbh this is harder for him op, this is family and it is really crap. So acknowledge his feelings, offer him support and focus on your children and lives, and give them no further air time.

I think you should protect yourself from SIL and MIL. I know you said that you're only angry at SIL because MIL has since stepped up, however I'd be really cautious of opening my heart to mil and of having any expectations of her to help when future shit hits the fan.

Taking you out of the picture, she priotised her DDs perfect birthday celebration over her DS's need to see his poorly newborn and very ill wife. He must have been scared for both of you, and wanting to support you in your family's most vulnerable moment. An adults birthday celebration going exactly the way she envisaged is not on the same level as that, not even close. Your MIL made a very poor choice then. Be careful you don't allow her to hurt you and your family again.

I think you have a MIL issue more than a SIL issue. Why on earth did she allow those things to happen?