DH had a go about housework etc

[CocoBean22]

Tonight DH had a massive go at me for not loading and putting the dishwasher going when he got home from work, as I was at the beach all day with DS.
Said that the house is a tip (it’s not I’m just prioritising days out and doing things with DS on summer hols)
Ive gone to bed utterly pissed off as I feel like it was an unfair comment, I work part time and the days I have off with DS we are doing nice things during summer holidays.
Every day I will hoover, clean kitchen and bathrooms etc, but washing pile needs to be folded and things like toys tidied away but I figured that can wait until I get chance as making memories and having fun on the summer holidays is priority.
AIBU?

Another entitled man who thinks childcare and keeping a house in order are a woman's job.

Tell him to use his two perfectly functioning hands is he thinks something needs doing in the house and to never talk to you like that again...

The way you described it implied something different.

I envy you - I do know a few like this but not many - I’ve. I’ve been married twice and lived for 4 years with someone and they’ve all been housework averse .

So just to clarify your expected to do the childcare and the housework all day but he can’t lift a finger after finishing work and feels he can dictate to you. Tell him he’s out of order and carry on

I think little boys see mums doing it all and the cycle just repeats. My mum certainly didn’t do it all (dad was the more reliable parent) so I grew up knowing there was nothing I couldn’t do (except pee standing up) and there was also nothing men can’t do (except grow, birth and feed babies). The cycle is only going to get broken when women start demanding more from men.

You’re far more likely to find me under the car or fixing a roof than dusting and DH is far more likely to be picking herbs from the garden for a new recipe or pairing socks than I am!

No they were all loaded in the dishwasher I just hadn’t set it going

He hasn't been at work "all day" he has been at work for some of the day.
If everyone downed tools after been at work "all day" nobody would ever get anything done.

I bet he's jealous of you both going out and doing nice things.

Why are you in charge of everything domestic? Why can't he put your dishwasher on?

It's things like this that make me reappreciate raising my DS alone. It was so hard financially but we'd often just do stuff, stay out late, prioritise doing things he was interested in.

Don't let it kill your buzz. Sounds like you had a lush day at the beach making core childhood memories with your son. If you'd stayed in the house cleaning all day, your son would probably have just messed it up behind you.

Clean and tidy enough is clean and tidy enough.

You work part time for childcare reasons not for cleaning reasons. Before you had children, what was the division of labour like then?

Roll your eyes, sleep tight and let his grumpiness fester within him. You know you're being a good mum and the house can be deep cleaned on a rainy miserable day instead.

Well, ok.

Except that it is.

Lifeguards and nannies are at the beach with kids too. And they get paid because it's work.

OP is the parent who is on her unpaid childcare shift. Working for her family. Same as he was that day when he was out earning money.

When he clocks off his paid work, he's meant to clock on to his family shift. Then they can both share the unpaid labour and the time off. So they can both decide on does childcare and who can do whatever cleaning needs doing.

If he doesn't want to do the cleaning, he can negotiate doing the evening childcare. Easy.

That’s crazy then. I would be so grateful that my child has had such a nice day out.

Threaten him that you will get a full time job & he will have to deal with half the housework & childcare, that would shut him up.

I do think you are right on this and I think sometimes it’s cultural too - when we lived in Copenhagen I could never get over the amount of ‘well fit’ guys you saw out in the city early evening, parks/cafes/playgrounds/bikes with kids and babies - all by themselves, same at weekends too - and blokes I saw in homes clearly cooking or sweeping - not all lounging around or clearing off to the gym and constantly leaving the wives and partners to it - it seemed to be built in to their culture that this was the norm if you have a family. I realised some men here are like this too , but it seems far less noticeable Asa societal thing

There is absolutely no reason men can’t do it. It’s ingrained sexism, but it won’t change unless we all have higher standards.

I ask every male if he will be changing his name if he gets married, if he will go part time when having a child and will ask the male partner what they’re doing in the school hols or what Toby/Jessica would like for their birthday. The point usually lands (can see pennies dropping).

DH has always been first point of contact for the GP, dentist, school etc. Even little things help to make others realise it isn’t always a “she” doing those things.

If this is unusual for him maybe he was jealous. Even if where he works has good air conditioning and he wasn’t sweltering and uncomfortable all day, you can bet your life he would have rather been at the beach with you and your son. No excuse for behaving like an arsehole. But maybe a whiney but sincere “I wanted to build sand castles with “son” too” would have been worse.

DH disabled in someway? If not what stopped him fixing the mess

This 👏

Depends on your tariff. More most households, it’s not cheaper overnight.

Is he jealous that you have had a lovely day at the beach?
Ita possible.
His behavior is extremely poor and he really should apologize

DH learnt very early on that if he complained about the way I did something it would become his job! I do things in my own sweet time!

Your subtext being that she should be indoors like a good wee wifie waiting for the man of the house to come back to a cooked meal and a pristine home. 🙄

She was looking after his child, does that not count?

Ah, I had one of these. Apparently being a SAHM to five children under eight was such a breeze that I never needed any time off. Or even a night's sleep. Or a hand with housework.

We divorced.

So let me get this straight. He came home from single-handedly saving the nation from bankruptcy and had a quick shufty round to check that @CocoBean22 had fulfilled her inferior genetic role by cleaning the house raising his children.

And, lo and behold she hadn’t switched the dishwasher on. Clearly this is something which no man in his right mind would put up with, I mean, do you think King Charles would press an on button in the Clarence House utility room if Camilla had failed to do so? You bet he wouldn’t.

Suffice it to say he made sure @CocoBean22 now knows what is what and I hope she has learned her lesson and also learned that taking his children to the beach in hot weather during their summer holiday is no excuse for a slack lackadaisical attitude to the important things in a man’s life, like clean teaspoons.

What is he like in other ways, OP? He has no right to behave like that to you, as if you were staff.