DH had a go about housework etc

[CocoBean22]

Tonight DH had a massive go at me for not loading and putting the dishwasher going when he got home from work, as I was at the beach all day with DS.
Said that the house is a tip (it’s not I’m just prioritising days out and doing things with DS on summer hols)
Ive gone to bed utterly pissed off as I feel like it was an unfair comment, I work part time and the days I have off with DS we are doing nice things during summer holidays.
Every day I will hoover, clean kitchen and bathrooms etc, but washing pile needs to be folded and things like toys tidied away but I figured that can wait until I get chance as making memories and having fun on the summer holidays is priority.
AIBU?

Maybe he wishes he could’ve gone to the beach today rather than being at work. A day at the beach is not ‘hard at parenting’.

Maybe he could have taken the day off if he wanted to go to the beach too?

Should she have stayed home all day to tidy up and make sure the house was clean for the breadwinners return from work?

Entertaining the child they created together is as important a role as going to work. If you don’t agree well that’s your prerogative; I’m just glad my DH would have been happy had I taken DC to the beach for the day and the state of the house would not have crossed his mind.

Yes whilst saying on my earlier post my H does little housework, he doesn’t comment on anything housework wise very often either .

He's got a nerve, you've been parenting/doing childcare all day!

People who work full-time still have a responsibility to do housework. Who the fuck are these men who get married assuming their wives becomes their live in maid & nanny?

Honestly, he needs to wake up and realise it's not the 1950s anymore - the prick.

My DH passed me a hoover attachment today and said " this is yours"

It missed his head by an inch ( joke - but I certainly put him straight on it )

I will do the cooking and the ironing - hes crap at both - but the rest of the chores - they are OUR chores . If I dont feel like ironing - it can sit in a pile until I do feel like it - he will get fed up and sort through it and put away the stuff that needs folding so the pile is smaller and tidier but he would no longer say " when is this ironing getting done "

OP, we are older then you and yours, Ive never had children of my own, he had two under fives when we met ( they are in their 40's now ) and I used to. run myself ragged, working full time, using my annual leave to have his kids , I did all their care , doctors, dentist, school uniforms - all left to me

Now it's the grandkids, I sit back a hell of a lot. He has to step up when he tells me on a Thursday that they will be here for the weekend on the Friday. Sure I have fun with them, feed them etc, but I no longer give up my plans , or take time off from work - that's down to him

My Dh grew up in a family where dad was the bread winner and mother stayed home and cared for 5 kids , its taken a good while to change those ingrained ideas

He didn't complain about that, he complained about the dishwasher.
And besides, please give the OP the decency to be an adult in her own right and deal with the towels as she sees fit.

Then he needs to take the day off instead of bitch to his wife and create an issue out of nothing perhaps? He is an adult, after all.

He's achieved absolutely nothing here except make himself look like a prize knob and create an unhappy home. Bravo.

He is an arsehole.
How dare he think he gets to treat you like that when you are caring for his child.

Time you went back to work full-time.
I wouldn't want to be married to that.

Were the dishes etc left all round the kitchen instead of being hidden away in the dishwasher? Cos that would annoy me. Other than that, he is in the wrong and should be delighted his child had a fun day out.

Does DH want a wife and a mother for his child- or a housekeeper, which is more important- ask him because if it's the cleaner/housekeeper option I would be looking to divorce.

She updated about leaving the wet towels until the next day!!!

What a twat he is. He can load the dishwasher himself.

Its 100% more important to do lovely things with your DS than waste the holidays doing .undane tasks. Your son wont look back fondly on you doing housework but he will remember the great day he had at the beach.
Your H needs to give his head a wobble.
I was a single mum working full time and DS and I rarely had time to do anything fun.
I regret all the times I had to work instead of having fun times with DS.

And that’s fine. You choose to do them on the day, she made the choice to leave it until the next day. If her husband had a problem with it he could have sorted it could he?

Her DS would benefit even more from seeing his father loading the dishwasher and cleaning the bathroom……

Does your husband think you are the between-stairs maid and he is the lord of the manor? Dickhead.

He would be working 12 hour days whether or not he was single or had a partner and children, who was also fully occupied for 12 hours a day and more, looking after his children.

If he can't load a dishwasher without shouting for someone else to do it, then he's got a problem.

If it bothered him that much he should do it himself. How does he think single mothers cope doing everything. I worked full time and still
had the full load of housework to do and the making memories stuff as well. He hasn’t a leg to stand on.

My house looked like a bomb has hit it (compared to my usually tidy, cleaned every week house) the whole of the summer holidays because between working (30 hours a week), figuring out which DC is where what day for childcare, having our own holidays and looking after DC on my days off - cleaning is the last of my prioritises. I keep it hygienic just not as on top of things as I usually am. To be honest, spending what little time I have off with my children doing things is more important.

DH knows this and accepts this. If he doesn't like it, he is free to clean a bathroom or kitchen more than we currently are. Just as I am if he is responsible for that days cleaning etc.

I can understand how your DH feels in the moment as I have also thought well DH was at home today and did nothing...but it is a fleeting thought - I'd never have a go at him for having a good day with the DC rather than cleaning.

I got one of the “fully-cooked” husband options. Despite coming from a family where dad worked and disciplined and mum stayed home he could do all of the things that grown adults need to do without need for any manual upgrades. Neither of us has ever worked part time, although he runs a business and has had periods since DD came along where he has chosen to do less work in favour of doing things with her. He does more housework and childcare than me. Our careers have always been equal (we earn about the same but I get more benefits being employed). Either one of us can go away for work or a holiday and nothing falls apart. The house is rarely immaculate, we don’t iron much but everything that needs to get done does.

I was very clear before having DD that being the one to grow, birth and feed her (initially) was not going to render me “guardian of domestics” for ever more.

Sounds like OP’s DH needs a hard reset.

@SJM1988 why is figuring out childcare your responsibility? Is your husband on an oil rig?

I really doubt that he would have pulled off a day at the beach in August with small children, returned and cooked dinner, (we don't know who organised that there was food in the fridge, but I'll take a guess), and then would have been happy to receive a bollocking for not loading the dishwasher from a partner who had been at work.

Childcare is work. Societally it's regarded as women's work primarily which is why it's devalued. It's also more than 12 hours a day.

He sounds like a miserable sod. If you're cleaning the kitchen, bathroom and hoovering every day, I'd consider that keeping on top of the housework. It's not like you're sat around doing nothing. Loading the dishwasher and putting it on is literally a 5 minute job and hardly strenuous even after a day at work. He spent more time having an argument about it than it would have taken to just do it himself.

Because that is how we split the admin in our house. I work less hours to accommodate school pick ups therefore I take on dealing with childcare in the holidays around my hours. He takes days off and I take days off. I just deal with the admin of who is where when.

My DH does different admin tasks for our family and works longer hours to allow us the money to take our DH on holiday - not every DH takes a backseat like MN seems to portray and not every couple split what needs to be done the same way.

Where does it say he works 12 hours days? And even if he does, so what? Do you think mothers who work full time never do any housework? And caring for children is work! It's domestic labour - the majority of which is done by women and for free!