AIBU to end things with my sister-in-law after years of helping?

[Fedup0707]

need some honest opinions because I'm very angry and upset and don't know if I'm seeing this clearly.
She's my SIL (my brother's wife). I've never particularly liked her, but she's family and for 17 years I've always tried to be there for her. I look after her children, send my own children to help her and whenever she needs something I tend to run over. I've always felt you support family, even when you don't particularly get on.
However, I feel she constantly blames others, twists situations and portrays herself as the victim. She has a very difficult relationship with my brother and, although he's certainly not blameless, I feel she takes their problems out on the wider family. She's also accused my mum of causing problems between them.
Recently there was an argument over a duvet cover. My brother wanted one, so I gave him one of hers. I accept I should have asked her first. She rang me furious, shouting "how dare you" and accusing me of causing trouble between her and my brother. We both shouted at each other on the phone and I told her i knew that her and her brother had conspired and tried to separate me and my husband, because she wasnt happy being married to my brother. (They are still married) mainly for the kids.
I messaged her afterwards because I was fed up with being blamed and accused when I feel I've done so much to help her and her children. I told her I wouldn't get involved in her affairs again.
Then today my mum came out of hospital. My SIL was there, and I felt she was being fake sympathetic towards my mum as shes previouslybeen awful to her but trying to show look I'm good etc.
I was still angry and confronted her. I told her I didn't think she was a good person and that she should apologise for things she'd said previously.
She told me "don't talk to me." listening to your voice gives me a headache and i said dont talk to you "forever?" And she said well im not a good person and I said I agree your not and she replied "don't talk to me ever, our relationship is finished."
I know I started today's argument and I'm not denying that. I was angry and deliberately confronted her rather than walking away.
But I feel I've spent 17 years helping her, looking after her children and running whenever she needs something, while she repeatedly blames me, my mum or my brother when things go wrong.
I've also realised I've probably pretended we're much closer than we actually are because she's family.

Well that's as clear as mud.

Yeah nope the clarification re air bnb/duvet cover is totally in keeping with the rest of the OPs posts.

👍

Fwiw I don’t think it’s you who is ending things with her.
I think your SIL has already taken the decision.

Which is fine.
You don’t automatically get on with people because they are family.

You might want to think how you’re going to handle things going forward. Things like Christmas, seeing your brother etc….

As an aside, why did your brother contact you over the duvet rather than his wife or his dd??

Or, what she said ^ .

(the edit didn't help tbh)

OP best leave it be. You have enough on your plate with getting Mum better. Best wishes to all.

It feels like you've been the problem blowing up when your Mum just needed peace to recover.

Keep things calm at family events and stop doing extra for people you dislike. Sorted.

I havent had a charmed life! I think I've just reached final straw as have always tried to keep the peace with her, mainly due to niece and nephew, she dosent bother with mine children. I know its a non issue but its bothering me alot maybe because menopause and I've finally thought enough!

But yes I 100% admit i shouldn't have said anything in front of my mum and have apologised to my mum and said its my fault for bringing bits of it up again, mum dosent know full extent. My mum knows full well what sis in law is like as, she has argued with my mum on many many occasions where I've tried to keep peace.

WHAT ABOUT THE DUVETTTT??!!

Why on earth would you spend 17 years pretending to like someone you dislike?

Whose B&B is it?

I have explained about the duvet already my sis in law was out and my brother just asked me to run over and get one from their house, we live a few doors he was at my mums, again a few doors down, his daughter13 year old was still asleep and I woke her up and asked for a duvet to give as he was about to leave for airbnb, she then rang me first and said why did you give duvet i needed it etc, so i messaged my brother and said dont use it she needs it, he then messaged her and said that she should have spoken to him not me. She then rang me at 10pm to accuse me of causing arguments in her marriage. I was literally gobsmacked as didnt expect it and shouted back at her that I've always been there for her etc.

All sounds pretty ridiculous and childish

Over the 17 years of you supporting her, has she reciprocated that support close to equally? If not, you've been a mug to not cut her off years ago. I think even a few months of doing favours that are not reciprocated would make me stop doing more. You have continued for 17 years. Yikes...

Recently there was an argument over a duvet cover. My brother wanted one, so I gave him one of hers. I accept I should have asked her first. She rang me furious, shouting "how dare you" and accusing me of causing trouble between her and my brother.
This made me laugh. If you feel like your HUSBAND using "your duvet" is something that causes problems in your marriage, the problem lies with you. 100%. I'd have just laughed and hung up on her, honestly. Because, there's no other response to crazy...

She sounds weird and difficult, I wouldn't want to be around her anymore unless I had a gun pointed at my head, or something.

Yes , I didn't get that bit either !

You have to realise how insane this sounds?

Also

"We both shouted at each other on the phone and I told her i knew that her and her brother had conspired and tried to separate me and my husband, because she wasnt happy being married to my brother."

Her and her brother tried to break up you and your husband?

Leave each other alone

This

I’m none the wiser on the duvet cover

And if OP is only a few doors away why couldn’t brother go and get it himself?

And how is it SIL duvet cover but not also BIL’s given they live together?

Everyone sounds batshit

I’m still none the wiser about the duvet, even after the explanation.

Sounds like you need to have some space between you and her. It all sounds very confusing and dramatic really. Let them get on with it and just concentrate on yourself and your immediate family.

Holy fuck do you ever come up for breath woman?!

Not understanding how you can have supported her with her kids for 17 years when you're sounding like a stroppy teenager yourself at best tbh.

It sort of makes more sense that you have these sorts of arguments when you all live on the same street. Pity the rest of the neighbours though.

I’d probably keep as much distance from her as a few doors down will let you. Menopause might be making you behave out of character and might be doing the same to her. You might end up the last two surviving family, so best to not fall out.

So did your SIL then go to the Air BNB to retrieve the duvet cover?

where was the air bnb?

Ok. I’ll dive in.

So your brother was too lazy to get his own duvet cover, even though he was only a few doors away. Now EVERYONE has fallen out over this?

Wait. You took the duvet off their bed? To give to your brother? Who was what, going to stay at an airbnb? She got home and wondered where the fuck her quilt was?? Then wondered where her husband was?

You both sound exhausting to be honest.

the problem is you need to seem like the logicall one, when ever there is a situation try to use yes and no questions then have it via text rather than in person because its easy to raise voices and argue etc, at least thats in my experience