What would you think if another woman said this to you?

[tempincase]

i have name changed for this, but have been around forever I promise.

Anyway, speaking to a female friend, moaning to her that DH sulks for upto 2 days if I say no to sex (have had a previous thread on this so don’t need to address it here). Her response was “well, it is your job”….

AIBU to think that this is one of the most ridiculous and saddest things to say, or is she right? For full disclosure me and DH have sex around 2-3 times a week regularly.

I'd question my friend and husband choices if I was in your shoes op!!!
Neither sound great.

This

I don’t think I would put it as bluntly as to say that it’s your “job” but I do see a lot of women complaining about their husband leaving them or not having a happy marriage, only to admit that they haven’t had sex in months/years and sleep in different bedrooms.

It’s quite clear that lack of sex is a massive reason for men leaving; it seems to be one of the only things a lot of them just cannot accept.

It doesn’t sound like that’s a problem for you though, considering you have an active sex life.

shes either joking.
old fashioned or religious
or she too is being coerced by her husband and is re-spouting what hes told her numerous times. she maybe isn’t ready to face the truth that you both face, which is that these men are horrible and LTBs.

get your ducks in a row. Go. Lifes too short. i left one of these and im so very much happier without the constant pawing, emotional manipulation and grumpiness, and general unease that hung over me if i’d not done anything sexual for a day or two ….as i knew demands were about to be made and i’d have to perform my duty.

Nope. Im not a sex doll. No more.

why are so many men so fucking pathetic. why does the dick control everything they do. not every man is like that.

Id definitely have laughed, even if it wasnt a joke- some things deserve not to be taken seriously, and id rather laugh than confront someone

Fuck's sake, I'd introduce them to each other and then swan off into the sunset to seek friends and partners with better attitudes.

Why has op got a warped attitude to sex? Please explain.

Tell your friend the 1920’s called and asked what time she was going to be home for tea…

As PPs have said, you're doing what so many people do and deny they're doing: deflecting the issue on to a woman.

She's entirely wrong, obviously, but she's got exactly the same attitude as your husband, with whom you are going along with it. Don't get angry at her because she verbalised it. Channel the anger towards the actual situation where it's happening and decide the best way forward there.

Are you a prostitute?! I am struggling to grasp how it’s your “job”. Can’t he just have a wank if you aren’t in the mood or you’re busy?

Awful way of looking at it. It has to be a mutually wanted and enjoyable experience.

She has different views of sex in a relationship and that's her business. Maybe she views it as her job and is happy to carry on; or maybe she has a high libido, so is always up and has never 'felt pressured' as such. You'll never know, as you heard a different opinion and just shut down, instead of asking about it.

You spoke to her as close friends do, and her opinion on the matter is different to yours. That happens sometimes.

The issue remains - your husband is a depressing sulk, whose awful behaviour is wearing you down. That's what's important.
Focus on the sex pest.

Exactly.

What she’s going to be home to MAKE the tea.

@tempincase you’ve got a boundaries problem

one for tolerating this sulking BS from your H and 2 for association with utterly ridiculous women as “friends”

use this thread as the boot up the arse you need to call time on this fucking awful people.

you matter! You’re worth more than this! Aim higher and jettison the people who only bring you down.

Sending a hug OP. The notion of ‘conjugal rights’ was abolished in 1970 and your friend wasn’t even born then so she is way off piste!

I am someone with a v low sex drive (think once every three months or so) and my DH is very accepting of this.. rather than sulk he actively encourages and celebrates the times when I am in the mood. I hope therapy is allowing your husband to see he is in the wrong rather than you. Putting out 2-3 times a week when you don’t feel like it seems excessive and exhausting.

His sulking would give me the massive ick, he'd be lucky to get any sex at all off me if he was my FH!

Well, this.
Through your actions you are essentially agreeing with her. You might theatrically disagree, but in practice you seem to be having sex regularly when actually you’d prefer not to.
So, while she thinks it’s part and parcel of marriage, and you think it shouldn’t be, at the end of the day, within your marriage, it is.

That was supposed to say theoretically disagree

Thankyou everyone for so many interesting replies, I genuinely appreciate the different perspectives.

To clarify, I am not solely focusing on my friends comment, as I have stated in my previous posts me
and dh are seeking therapy for my issue with him. I think when I was speaking to my friend the other day I was just hoping for some female solidarity on my view, but appreciate she may have different views on marriage roles.

To those who think it’s wrong to speak to friends about such matters and say I should try to speak to my dh, I do try, and we also talk about it in therapy. But sometimes having support from a friend who knows me is really important to me in a friendship. If I wasn’t trying to speak to my dh about it I could see why that would be wrong, but I have and do.

You're not being unreasonable. If he's getting it 2-3 times a week what's his his problem? Does he have no job to go to? No nice Ian McEwan novels to read? Sheesh.

I’m with your friend.

She sounds like she’s fed up with your moaning and not doing anything about it.

Genuinely, why are you moaning to your friend, going to therapy and starting threads about the same thing but not willing to do anything about it?

What did you want her to say?
Or did you expect her to just sit there silently and nod along whilst you spent the entire time talking about yourself?

She’s not your therapist, she’s your friend.

If you’re not happy in your relationship then make a change.

I wouldn’t be thinking anything. I’d be giving her a right mouthful and telling her to try and dictate what I do or don’t do with my own body and also theres a word in to trying to guilt trip and shame people into having sex!!!!

Exactly this!!

You'd do better to give this mouthful to the husband who's actually doing these things rather than a random woman.