What would you think if another woman said this to you?

[tempincase]

i have name changed for this, but have been around forever I promise.

Anyway, speaking to a female friend, moaning to her that DH sulks for upto 2 days if I say no to sex (have had a previous thread on this so don’t need to address it here). Her response was “well, it is your job”….

AIBU to think that this is one of the most ridiculous and saddest things to say, or is she right? For full disclosure me and DH have sex around 2-3 times a week regularly.

Ive noticed a few people on here say that I have overshared with my friend, and yes with her it was clearly a mistake. But aren’t good friends the people you over share with? It’s always been the case with me and my friendships. Who are you supposed to talk to when you’re having issues in life? I’m genuinely curious.

To answer someone’s question, it’s not that I don’t want sex with my husband, just not every bloody day. I would like to be able to give him a hug without him expecting it to turn into something more and then having to reject him and endure a tantrum.

Your “job”? Oh, hell no. It’s your choice, just as it is for him. Sometimes your choices match and sometimes they don’t.

Therapy is helping in some ways, but the steps are small, painful and exhausting.

Your job? Sid you ask why she saod such a odd comment.
Sulking is pathetic.
Send him to a spare room then.

I'd have said "that's a bit grim. Ooo, look at that over there" & made something up to change the subject. It would definitely inform how I interacted with her in future though, cos WTF?

No, I didn’t see the point. She is 47 years old, been married twice, I’m not going to change her beliefs now. I should have, but I just went silent instead. I think I was a bit shocked.

I'd feel shocked and sad that a woman thinks like this in 2026.

I’d be frustrated and sad that there are still women who feel that sex is a woman’s job, AND that there are women in relationships with men who think they have a right to sex.

Her opinion and your husband's opinion are the same, just expressed differently. It should bother you more that your husband thinks this way.

What is non nuanced about the responses? What would a nuanced response be when a woman does not wish to have sex?

So he sulks for two days of you refuse him and you talk to other people about your sex life? Neither one is good op. I think counselling is the right shout. Maybe explore why you feel the need to tell your friends details of your sex life. If my DH did that to me I would be fuming.

Everyones sex life ebbs and flows- but sulking is problematic, as is discussing the mechanics of your sex life with others.
Scheduling it regularly can also be an indicator of problems, sex needs room to breathe diarising it usually not healthy.

But you've been behaving like you agree with her, does she know that?

You are missing the point by a mile, your creepy petulant husband is your issue here not her off hand comment.

If sex is a job, then I've been happily unemployed for 25 years.

You have sex 2-3 times a week why is he sulking?! I get he may want more but it’s not like he’s not getting it regularly

This.
People can't comment on what they don't know about...

Never mind your friend! Christ almighty, your husband's a pig. Two to three times a week and he's harassing you for more even though he knows you don't want to? Disgusting.

I think the 'most ridiculous, saddest' thing is that you're letting him keep doing that to you!

(As for your friend, I suppose she has the patriarchal concept of duty sex embedded in her head, unfortunately. Or perhaps she's the sort of person who's always fairly happy to have sex and can't understand other people aren't? But that's her look-out.)

I’m sorry your DH is a sex pest. I do hope therapy is addressing this.

Leaving aside your issues with your partner, I’d feel sorry for any woman who thinks the way your friend does.

I'd probably assume that my friend was implying - jokingly or otherwise - that I had a transactional relationship with my husband. I'd be curious if she also thinks it's his job to have sex with me when he doesn't want it, or if she thinks I am being "paid" for the sex in some other indirect way. That seems more plausible that she has no understanding of the concept of consent, but I guess that's possible too.

(Please tell your therapist exactly how your husband reacts when he does not get his way about sex; it's a really important factor as a pattern of sulking can be an early sign of coercive control and emotional abuse, which would go far beyond just a big difference in sex drive or sexual appetites.)

Also I think it's a bit odd for you to be so shocked by your friend's statement when that's literally what you're doing, having sex to keep your husband happy. Forget the therapy and LTB.

I don't see anything wrong with scheduling it if people want to do it. We schedule the gym and hobby time and other things we want to ensure that we do. People schedule sex all the time when dating; you arrange a date for Wednesday evening, you know you'll have sex then, people find it exciting to look forward to and prepare for. If couples want to hire a particular space for it (hotel room or BDSM dungeon or whatever), you schedule it.

Planning doesn't have to mean regimented and dull. Or that you can't change your mind.

Yep this, and you have an unsupportive dickhead of a friend.

I can’t get past your husband sulking and tantrumming. What is he, three?