What would you think if another woman said this to you?

[tempincase]

i have name changed for this, but have been around forever I promise.

Anyway, speaking to a female friend, moaning to her that DH sulks for upto 2 days if I say no to sex (have had a previous thread on this so don’t need to address it here). Her response was “well, it is your job”….

AIBU to think that this is one of the most ridiculous and saddest things to say, or is she right? For full disclosure me and DH have sex around 2-3 times a week regularly.

You’ve got shit friends and a shit husband.

Sadder to be discussing your private life with your friend instead of discussing the problem with your husband.

Your unlucky with your friend and your husband, are sure she wasnt joking because it's very odd.

Divorce him and let your friend marry him

Was she being sarcastic?

I have a friend who married the most useless fucking man on the planet. I cannot tell you how exhausting it was to hear her act like a victim when she was a volunteer!

Did you challenge her on it?

She's obviously not the right person to support you on this but don't start second guessing yourself.

Is you 2-3 times a week a compromise, or are you doing it that often to keep the peace?

Crazy..Both a grown man sulking and a grown woman believing a wife has a job is to service her husband with sex. Back a hundred or so years ago maybe, not in this day and age.

Everyone has their own way of running their relationship.
If hers works for her, then that's great.
While she possibly shouldn't tell you what to do, you did effectively ask for it when telling her about your sex life and relationship.

I would struggle to stay friends with someone who has an attitude like she’s living in a time with women had to put out, put up and shut up. Good for her that she’s happy to provide sex on tap but being a willing hole whenever it’s demanded is not my “job” thank you

Your husband is a dick, and that woman is a dick.

If you're having sex 2-3 times a week how can your dh fit in sulking for 2 days if you don't fancy sex with him?

I'd think she was bonkers 🤷‍♀️

lol, this made me laugh. It would be the perfect solution wouldn’t it. Thankyou for making me smile.

I’m concerned for both of you, tbf. Neither of those situations are conducive to a healthy and fulfilling sex life. It’s also sad that while you’re in situations that are functionally similar, you end up feeling complete disconnection on this.

I can’t actually decide which of your situations is more fanny shrivelling.

Is therapy helping you @tempincase because there are situations where it can be more harmful than helpful. No one should be having sex under duress and I’d worry that you could be coming under pressure two fronts.

I think there’s something to be said for exploring the concept of responsive sexual desire, but also I’m lucky to be married to a man whose desire dies a bit when I’m just really not in the mood, so he makes it very safe for me to go along with it and see how we get on. We have lots more sex than if I waited to be spontaneously interested, but precisely because I’ve never felt any pressure.

Sometimes therapists push the responsive concept at women, without enough emphasis on the man’s contribution to emotionally healthy sex, and that’s just packaging up the age old trope of marital sex being the wife’s duty in shiny new psychological language.

If we can’t safely say no, how can consent be meaningful?

Please take care of yourself with this @tempincase

Yes, unfortunately most of the time we have sex it’s to keep the peace, what that’s done to my own self esteem is awful, so it’s not much better than my friends tbf to her. I did ask for it by discussing it with her, but genuinely didn’t expect that response. I didn’t bother to challenge her on it, she is 47… whats the point if that’s what she thinks, I just stopped talking then.

I would be shocked and say so. I'm not going to let politeness make me ignore someone sharing pro-rape views.

This is awful to hear about. Coercive consent isn't consent. I hope you can get out of this situation.

You're just pitting your friend's non-nuanced opinions against the non-nuanced opinions of MN. There's a name for that: ragebaiting.

The truth is somewhere in the middle. Marriage is about commitment to one's spouse. Traditionally men's roles were to be providers and women's roles were domestic. Nowadays gender roles are more fluid, but at it's core marriage is still about commitment.

That doesn't in any way take cancel out the need for consent.

Id have more issue with your husband to be honest.

Tell her to piss off back to medieval times where she belongs.

Is it not likely that is was a sarcastic response to you over sharing?

While sulking is a reasonable approach at times, it's not when it comes to sex. A person should always gracefully accept a no, because one's partner is likely saying no for a reason - not to be mean or difficult.

However, I also understand that it can become frustrating for a man if his attempts are often met with a no. As a woman, I'd feel like something is wrong with me since my husband rejects me so often. I'm sure men get that feling, too, with regular rejections.

But, as I said before, most people say no for a reason. I don't know what your marriage is like, but since you say you've started multiple threads about your marriage, I think it's safe to assume that it isn't great. What makes you not want to have sex with your husband as often as he wants to have sex with you?

"Job?? So you don't... like it?"

I'd 100% have dug into her comment! I guess I'm nosey...
Also your situation does sound grim. Why does he want sex with someone who doesn't? He needs sorting out.

Yes, it's an awful thing to say if she meant it. Was she joking? I imagine you would already know if she had awful views like this.

Your marriage is a much bigger problem though. I hope you find a way to improve or leave it.

Right back atcha.

Inflammatory post that's in no way helpful to OP's situation.