How to deal with “over friendly” shop owner

[LAC350]

Here’s the thing…..I attend this shoe repair shop quite regularly - there aren’t any other shoe repair shops in my town. The thing is that the man who owns and works there has started to make me feel uncomfortable. Initially, quirky and nice, a bit of banter. But now, always very complimentary - too complimentary in fact, becoming increasingly over familiar, flirty and suggestive. Now, since having accepted a friend request on fb from him, he’s also sent me over friendly pms. The first pm, I replied with a hello and laughing emojis, and when he immediately replied to it, I left his reply unread and have also restricted the “friendship” on fb and messenger, so we don’t need to interact and he won’t be able to see any of my posts or comment on them.

AIBU - to feel uncomfortable with his manner?

AINBU - to have restricted fb and I have also now asked my husband to accompany me when I need to attend his shop?

Why did you accept the friend request?
Were you flattered, now your uncomfortable.

What hindsight is required? Wasn’t it downright peculiar to accept such a request in the first place? Unless the number of FB friends you have is important.
Otherwise, why on Earth would you permit this access to your online life, when he had already been a bit over-chummy by your standards?
And of course, wasn't the fact that he even sought you out on FB in the first place very disconcerting? I can’t understand that transaction between you, unless you welcomed his ‘playful’ attention.
Either way, you may benefit from cutting down on your bafflingly frequent need for shoe repairs for a while.

If you think this poster is spot on, you shouldn't have social media.

It's not mandatory and nor is it mandatory to accept everyone who happens to send you a request.

I hope you teach your daughters differently.

Accepting the friends request muddied the waters. You say that it is something niche but is it really necessary to attend regularly. Would other people attend as regularly? Maybe he is seeing signs that are not there.

Personally I would keep going but put on my no crap face and keep it very transactional. I would ignore any compliment and keep drawing his attention back to his work. eg If he says he says something like you have a good figure - give him a cool stare and say something like these shoes need to be reheeled and this key needs to be cut. I will also take a keyring. I just need to make a phonecall so I will be outside while you cut the key.

Thankfully my people pleasing days are coming to an end.

Not really. Using the third person plural instead of third person singular isn’t really standard English except when the sex of the person being spoken about isn’t known, so I’d argue it’s ungrammatical in that sense.

And it opens up to confusion something which has already been clarified, so it’s not good English or good communication from that POV. An out of place “they” makes it seem suddenly like there are more people involved than the one man actually being referred to, or that there is room for doubt about whether it’s a man or a woman.

I’ve noticed a growing trend on here to refer to individual people as “they”, even when their sex has been clearly established.

This trend originated with ideologues who are actively trying to obscure the reality of sex both in language and in life, but has now been taken up by people who don’t have an ideological agenda but are just copying what they see other people do, and so it spreads.

And it matters because spreading the idea that someone’s sex is unknowable and/or irrelevant is not a neutral act. In this case it matters that the person doing the creepy harassing is a man, just as it matters that the person being harassed is a woman, because it fits into a wider pattern of that behaviour, which very few women are unfamiliar with.

So why obscure it?

Well I think the forum and indeed much of society is being damaged by this awful “gender neutral as default” shite, so there you go.

Knowing me I’d never go in there again even if it meant inconveniencing myself.

Of course it’s a pretence. Otherwise, you’d just say “he”.

What on earth is gained by using a non sex-specific, clumsy plural-as-singular pronoun? When it’s very clear that it’s a man being talked about and the fact that he’s a man matters in the context of the interaction?

Absolutely nothing.

The thread had fuck all to do with trans. But you just had to derail another thread.

Using 'them' instead of 'he' in that instance was just a figure of bloody speech.

OP, don’t engage in any face to face conversation about this with this man. You want this to become less personal, not more.

Just quietly unfriend him and either take your husband with you next time you need to go, or get him to go instead of you.

Creepy man takes advantage of a nice woman who was just being friendly/polite is a really common situation, especially as so many women are socialised to be people pleasers.

It’s not a “figure of bloody speech” that ever existed before TRAs started imposing their agenda on the rest of society.

This trend of unnecessarily obscuring someone’s sex is very recent and was entirely ideologically driven to start with. Maybe try joining the dots, if you’re not actually one of those ideologues yourself?

Yes it was. Not everything is about Trans.

So as I said bore off back to FWR.

No. It wasn’t; not when the sex of the person was already known.

So bore off back to your tradwife corner.

It was perfectly normal until people got a bee in their bonnet about pronouns one way or another.

You need better shoes.

Don’t be ridiculous. Of course this forum is not being ruined by people pushing back on the erosion of proper grammar.

It really isn’t grammatical when you know the sex of the person. ‘They’ is only applicable if you don’t know.

I’d unfriend on fb and leave it for a good while before returning.

If necessary go in with friends and don’t engage beyond basic manners.

I absolutely agree. Why does this poster keep going to his shop. It's weird needing shoes repairing so frequently. Also why on earth accept a FB request from him?.He's just a trader and the relationship should have been kept formal and polite. She egged him on!!! Hes living out his fantasies. The way out of this is now to restrict the messaging, let it lapse, stay out of this shop. Send her husband with the shoes or go elsewhere. Can't believe that she has so many pairs needing mending. Crikey, is this for real?

Best thing to do is make it clear the attention is unwanted. Be curt. No friendly smiles and don't accept anymore requests. Don't engage in banter. Get straight to the point of what needs to be done and leave.

By all means take your husband with you but he will still behave the same way the next time you are alone unless you change how you interact with him.

I disagree.

Shes already admitted she changed the details and its not really a shoe shop

Well I’d just stop going there. And I’d remove him from Facebook. And if you’re desperate desperate desperate to go there, I’d just be quite offhand.