Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

[Greenhairedmonstor]

My late FiL who I never met, left school at 15, fell into the right crowd while he was doing a labouring job and ended up with a little empire.

There is something in place that is not quite a trust. It allows SiL to choose to live frugally without working, and has enabled my husband and his brothers an income which supplements their incomes.

Their children will benefit after their parents’ deaths when whatever is in place will be dissolved.

My husband has his own business as well.

My stepchild is 18 and will go to university next month. I also have another stepchild who is 13.

The eldest has asked that now that they are an adult that they want to look at my husband’s finances. Essentially they want an account of any money that is spent on my children and they wanted my husband’s estate to be reimbursed from my share of the house when he dies.

Now Mumsnet always asks, no I was not the other woman, my ex meets more than his share of his financial responsibilities and I also work and rent out a house that I own in my home country that I will eventually return to. Husband’s ex is comfortable and I don’t believe this has come from her.

Inevitably my husband subsidises our life.

This has been a bitter blow to my husband and he doesn’t see how his relationship with his child(ren) will recover.

You don't think saying an 18 year old needs to be kicked in the testicles is nasty? Repeatedly calling him a scrote, little shit, dickhead etc etc, is nasty?

I think a lot of the commenters here (grown adults relishing talking like this about a young man, when they don't even have his side or the full picture) should be embarrassed of what they've said here.

I find it odd that things that we deem socially acceptable. Op can move two children in with DH and have him subsidise them, but describes his own children as “staying” there which it seems only the younger one wants to do in any case.

Why would anyone do this to their child. What he could had in the short period of time his children took to grow up was a house with just him where his children could come & go without worrying about a whole other family living with them.

Someone said, the solution is to kick the child in the testicles?

Or was it more turn of phrase like "he needs a kick up the arse and sort his attitude out"

You have way missed the point here. I took out the child of a friend recently - I don't know him particularly well but he was at a loose end and I was going with one of my DC somewhere fun, and he came with us at my invitation. I have two DC, only one came.

I bought the entrance fee, ice cream, a go on a ride, and other things. My other DC didn't come, but in no way should he be demanding I reimburse his inheritance on what I spent on his sibling and a random friend.

This needs calling out for what it is - pure greed. And unfortunately its been sown by the mum not the DC I suspect.

When I was younger my parents paid for a friend of mine to come abroad with us, in part because she otherwise would not have been abroad. Should I or my siblings tot that up against future inheritance?

and surely most married couples subsidise each others lifestyles in as much as a) the buying power of 2 is greater than that of one and b) if one half of a couple earns more they may wish to have a lifestyle that reflects that, and as such pay a greater portion towards it

I know when I was on mat leave I was putting much less into the pot, meaning I was being subsidised by my husband. At other times I’ve subsidised him - though neither of us look at it that way.

isnt that just normal? Why is OP and her husband doing the same seen as so strange? Or perhaps as she is a second wife, the husband must lower his lifestyle to what she can afford - even if he wants a 5 bed house, she can only afford a mortgage on a three bed house, so that’s what he is allowed?

I am also really struck that parents dont have to live their entire lives for their children. Seems like a lot of adult children on here still nursing grudges about things from their childhood. Sometimes marriages don't work out. Sometimes parents get new partners. Sometimes life is not the way you would like it to be. This young man is still very young so I would be inclined to give him a bit of a pass, while still having a conversation and setting clear boundaries with him. But at some point we all have to take responsibility for ourselves.

Kick the little scrote out!

He doesn’t live there, the new family do.

The son has been massively spoilt and is entitled. I daresay most 18 year olds aren't so grabby about their parents finances. I certainly wasn't like that. And I'm no old biddy myself going on about the "good old days", I'm only early 20s myself. People are using this lad's age as an excuse for this behaviour and it doesn't wash with me.

I was supporting my parents financially at 18 - and I had married parents (married parents really does not guarantee a happy home or financial stability...). Once I left college, my parent's child benefit stopped and they began to massively struggle financially. I had to get a full-time job as a carer immediately. 40 hours a week at uni and then 40 hours a week as a carer. I was exhausted to the bone. I'd be the one paying to take my parents on a holiday.

I'm from a much lower socio-economic background than OP and her husband. Most of my peers were in similar situations to me at 18 - ambitious and out grafting to better our economic prospects having come from poor households.

I had friends who were paying extortionate rent on their own flats having escaped toxic family situations. I had friends who were supporting a parent financially. I had friends working 2 jobs around university to build up a modest house deposit. 2 of my friends were carers for their mums with mental health issues. Nobody was having big expensive holidays.

My disapproval of OP's stepson's behaviour does not come from "jealousy" about money. If that were the case, I'd be moaning about the OP's children too (who are also clearly very financially privileged). The reason I am making the comparison, is to make the point that being 18 is no excuse for this nasty behaviour. My parents made some awful financial decisions - my mum is a gambling addict and my dad burns all of his money on failed projects. It annoys me, but it's on them. The way people are demonising the OP's husband is disgraceful. He sounds like a very kind man who gives his children all the support they could ever possibly need in life and still has money left over which he's then used to give his stepchild a treat. The step-son is acting like this is some mortal betrayal and some posters seem to agree with this and think that his dad should get on his hands and needs to beg for his forgiveness, it's nuts.

This lad is trying to financially control his own parent - I can only imagine what a nightmare he will be with a partner in the future. This attitude needs nipping in the bud immediately whilst he is still young, otherwise the OP's DH may be very vulnerable to being taken advantage of financially in his elder years.

Someone's true character can absolutely begin to show as young as 18. When we were sat at my grandma's deathbed, my paternal cousin (who's mum's side of the family are very well off, incidentally) was sat in the hospital chair on her phone looking at penthouse flats in Manchester worth £500,000 on Rightmove - whilst our grandmother was literally agonal breathing. She was 19 at the time. She already had her eyes on her dad's share of the inheritance and she's got her penthouse now. My dad's share of the inheritance got spent on crap as I knew it would, but I kept my mouth shut because I don't financially abuse my own parent and because I never had any expectations that I'd ever inherit anything in the first place. I am glad I didn't come from big money because it can completely rot people from the inside.

I would absolutely kick that entitled little d to the kerb. What an unbelievable request.

You can fall in love, no problem at all. Prioritise your new relationship nd children that aren't yours? Well, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see where that will go. Do whatever works for you. Don't expect everyone to experience the situation in the same way.

That’s entirely different to the dynamics of having one of your parents live in a family set up with two other children.

Why do you have to move a partner and two kids in with you while your own kids are still dependants? That’s not prioritising your children, children you decided to bring into the world.

I've been single for 18 years. You're preaching to the converted. My relationship with my children is solid. Their relationship with their father, who never paid maintenance and prioritised multiple new partner's over the years is, at best, difficult His choices.

I’ve had two children who are now older than that. I can’t even imagine either of them demanding to see my finances 😂 unless there’s some
stipulation that your husband leaves a certain amount to each of his children or gives them a certain amount each month and he is negating on that then I would be telling him to F off. I don’t think the relationship is repairable until the 18 YO grows up a bit and apologises. Also, it’s up to your husband how he spends his own money. If you want to never work again and your husband decides he wants to fund you frivolously spending money on coffee, yoga and shite it still wouldn’t be any of his sons business (not advocating for that, just a reminder that it’s not illegal).

I don’t think the relationship is repairable because dad thought it was ok to move another family into his home while his own kids still very much needed him.

While I have sympathy with this perspective, it happens to many kids and they don’t try to control a parent’s finances as a result.

No but few families have this sort of strange set up where a large part of the dad’s income is the profits from a business the child owns.

the fact the stepson has asked now is interesting, I’m guessing as he’s turned 18 and finished school, maintenance has stopped. I also assume as he’s only recently turned 18, he’s had to have the trustees of the business/asset explain the details to him that they wouldn’t have done to a child. He’ll have had to see the documents and possibly talked with his aunt about why his grandfather set it up this way.

"Any money spent on my children like that ski trip and family holidays is resented bitterly. My aunty came over and took my daughter to a show. When she was telling her step-sibling about it the immediate question was who had paid."

Genuinely cannot believe posters are sticking up for someone who acts like this.

Nasty piece of work bullying a 10 and 12 year old isn't he?

Its just one way of reacting, others - acting out in other ways, depression, therapy etc

People are obsessed just looking at the son’s behaviour without looking at the root cause.

His dad moved another family complete with two kids in with him.

It shouldn’t happen to many kids! It’s a societal ill that we think this is ok! It isn’t!

You have kids, your selfish ass can put them first at least until they turn 18.

Maybe, not the end if the world if you don’t like the child’s behaviour / personality / attitude.

"...strange set up where a large part of the dad’s income"

Where, in any of the OP's posts, has this been stated?

The father does receive income and, apparently, it does allow his sister to live frugally. I don't see how you get from that to it being "a large part" of the father's income?

The OP has also said that the father runs his own business as well. For example, the father could be earning £100k per year from his business and receiving £25k per year from the trust.

"...from a business the child owns"

The legal ownership of the assets will be with the trustees. The child has a beneficial interest.

However, that may only be a contingent beneficial interest. It may be the case that he is only entitled to a share of the assets if he is still alive once all the children have passed away. It will all depend on the actual wording.

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"...he’s had to have the trustees of the business/asset explain the details to him that they wouldn’t have done to a child."

The OP has previously stated otherwise:

"My stepchildren know the terms of their grandfather’s legacy."

Agreed - the level of vitreol on here against this young man is absolutely shocking. So much use of offensive language "dick", "scrote' etc; calls for him to be completely cut off and abandoned by his father; calls for violence against him (which one hopes are rhetorical - but even so, why are grown women relishing speaking of imagined violence against a teenager?)

And all this young man has done is asked for information he wrongly believes he is entitled to. If you own children did this, you would genuinely have nothing more to do with them?

I cannot understand the way this thread has turned - I know there can be a real herd/angry mob mentality on here sometimes, but even so......

So your dad is living with his new wife, seeing her children every day and treating them like his own. Would anyone honestly say they wouldn’t be a tiny bit jealous? Yes he has gone over the top with his demands, but surely we can all see the hurt underneath.
Are you coming back to answer some questions op?