Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

[Greenhairedmonstor]

My late FiL who I never met, left school at 15, fell into the right crowd while he was doing a labouring job and ended up with a little empire.

There is something in place that is not quite a trust. It allows SiL to choose to live frugally without working, and has enabled my husband and his brothers an income which supplements their incomes.

Their children will benefit after their parents’ deaths when whatever is in place will be dissolved.

My husband has his own business as well.

My stepchild is 18 and will go to university next month. I also have another stepchild who is 13.

The eldest has asked that now that they are an adult that they want to look at my husband’s finances. Essentially they want an account of any money that is spent on my children and they wanted my husband’s estate to be reimbursed from my share of the house when he dies.

Now Mumsnet always asks, no I was not the other woman, my ex meets more than his share of his financial responsibilities and I also work and rent out a house that I own in my home country that I will eventually return to. Husband’s ex is comfortable and I don’t believe this has come from her.

Inevitably my husband subsidises our life.

This has been a bitter blow to my husband and he doesn’t see how his relationship with his child(ren) will recover.

Again with the ‘should’, as if ‘should’ has any bearing on anything. They can all do as they see fit to.

I wonder if the mother has remarried and the boy thinks his stepfather's estate should be reimbursed for everything he buys the boy.

Similarly, I bet the son has nothing to say when his dad spends some of the generated income on himself, friends, or other family members who aren't step-children. Wedding gifts, birthday gifts, socialising etc. I presume it's only when some of it is spent on the step-children that he kicks up a stink.

Because you made comments about DH thinking this is the end of his relationship with son, as if by his son asking the question DH is ready to wipe his hands of him

Where is the respect for what DS’s grandfather wanted,

TBH I suspect the GF would be pretty disappointed to see the money funding the op and her dc.

He didn't leave it to his Dgc's bio mum; why would he want the op using it? There is every chance he envisaged it being used by his son to supplement the household with his grandchildren living in it.

It may well be that the terms of the trust allow the son to use it as he pleases BUT I think if we are talking about the Gf;s wishes, that is more likely to be an argument in favour of the DSS than the op.

Well quite possibly.

And that points, doesn't it, to an issue around feeling hurt by the family arrangements rather than pure greed?

But what is the solution to that? If OP and her husband are happily married and he has a nice bond with her children, does he need to back away from them and start being cold towards them in order to please his son?

OP's husband 100% needs to sit down with his son and let him have his say and try to work through things, but OP's husband really has done nothing wrong and the his son gently needs telling that. OP has confirmed that she wasn't the OW. Unless there's a huge backstory about her husband that the OP is choosing not to disclose, I've heard nothing to suggest that her husband is anything but a decent, kind bloke. People divorce, it happens. I have 36 cousins (large family) and I don't think any of them still have married parents. It is the way of the world nowadays. The son needs to process it.

I'm clearly from a very different world to this lad and many other people on this thread. At 18 I was doing university and then a full-time job in the evenings to financially support my parents and disabled brother who were in debt and on the verge of being homeless. I was the bloody breadwinner at 18. So maybe I have an innate inability to relate to this lad. But even so, he's been nasty towards OP's kids and I hope they will be protected from being picked on further.

The eldest has asked that now that they are an adult that they want to look at my husband’s finances

Your choice of language is strange as there is emphasis on "my husband" when naturally it should have been "their father's finances".

It's likely this is about the oldest feeling your children are receiving more than him..this doesn't have to be money but time, love, attention. Money is the way the eldest can address the balance and make your children receive less. I don't know why a dad is so terrified that his child has discussed this, surely if they have a good relationship with trust the discussion can be had and no relationship will be lost. If this ends the bond then there wasn't much of a strong bond.

Upshot - reassure the eldest that his dad will hand over the assets to his children (and not yours) when he passes. Income spent on your children isn't material (unless you are downplaying what is spent on your children)

And of course the OP spending her own money on her stepchildren in the same way that her DH is doing, will also alleviate the feeling of imbalance.

That may be the solution to that, yes. He may have a happy marriage and a good relationship with OP’s children, but that has resulted in a strained relationship with his own children.

Having a good relationship with both may be the ideal, but that doesn’t mean it’s an option available to him. It may be that he has to choose what matters more to him.

"There is every chance he envisaged it being used by his son to supplement the household"

This bit I entirely agree with. It was clearly intended to supplement the household of his son. His son's household now includes the OP.

"...with his grandchildren living in it."

As has been mentioned many times on this thread, given the sophistication of financial planning involved here, it is clear that if the grandfather had wished the income to be spent on the grandchildren in particular, then it is highly likely that this would have been spelt out in the will or other relevant document.

The fact that it wasn't, clearly demonstrates that this was not any part of the grandfather's intentions.

I would urge your DH to tell his child that marriage is a partnership. That you and he have a partnership and he has willingly formed a family with your children, his children, and you as a unit. There is no "paying back" for familial expenses.

He does not have to include that child in his will.

I would suggest he not fully fund that child and urge him into getting a job while at university. It might curb the "entitlement" I sense he has.

Yes, some people are just making up what the GF wanted here. None of us know, so talking about respect for it is bizarre.

He probably assumed his son would prioritise his children, as he himself has. Divorce didn’t used to be as common as it unfortunately now is. It's completely natural to look after your own children, but some men seem to only care about the children of the woman they're currently having sex with.

No. He thought it would be the end of the relationship if he challenged his son on this. SS is clearly very unreasonable and illogical. The chances of him falling out with his dad over this and going low or non-contact are very real.

@Greenhairedmonstor couple of things....

You say you have a house in another country that you will return to. Why and when will you return to it?

You say you have this other house, that you have income through renting it out, that your kids father contributes far more than his share, and you work. So why could all this combined income not cover one school ski trip for your 11yr old?

Your kids are 9 and 12. You've been married 3yrs. So presumably living with your husband at least a year before you married. He's been providing a home and being the more present male in their lives since they were 5 and 8, likely even younger. Step children at now 15 and 18 were living with dad until at the very eldest 11 and 14 but probably less than that. Certainly your youngest is likely to spend more time living with your husband than either of his actual children ever did. A longer period of finer things and "multiple holidays a year" that you admit you nor their father would ever afford but your husband provides for your children.

Do you see why, the boy might be acting out like this? Yes he's being an entitled little shite about it. But he does feel he should have had a greater benefit than two unrelated children who've been moved into his home and will now live what he probably sees should have been his childhood, for longer than he did.

No, it doesn't clearly demonstrate that at all.

First of all, we don't know what the wording around the son's share is, and he may not have foreseen the OP's dc in the picture to think to specify. It is disingenuous to maintain he would feel the same about the op's dc as his own grandchildren.

But the fact that he didn't say "this is not intended for the op's dc" doesn't clearly demonstrate that he didn't intend his grandchildren to benefit from enrichment of their father.

Yes, I would assume he intended it to supplement the home his grandchildren were growing up in, not the home someone else's grandchildren were growing up in. In the absence of the exact expression of his wishes, there's nothing bizarre about that assumption whatsoever.

He also probably hoped his son would leave his estate to his children and even part to the DSS's children as he himself had done. Everything about the way he left his estate suggests a dynastic style of thinking.

I think due to the cost of living, the poor job market and price of property these days, young people are increasingly having to cling onto the idea of a future inheritance to ever have any hope of a secure future.

This. SS is insecure about his family position, the future, and he’s channeling cash anxiety from emotional anxiety.

You don’t need to show him the accounts but you do need to reassure him that’s he’s DH’s beloved and that at some stage he’s in line for a big whack of financial security.

Also, if the monthly income from the assets is only enough for one of 4 siblings to live frugally, and subsidises earned income of the others, it's not a fortune each month.

Say the assets are 6 houses, at £200k each. These houses generate £8k total rental each month. £2k to each of 4 siblings.

Those siblings presumably all have to pass away in order that the houses are sold. That's £1.2m. This is split first into 4, because it was 4 siblings who have children. Then it's split between the number children of that particular sibling, so £300k becomes £150k to the boy and £150k to his sister.

It's a nice amount. Not life transforming, but plenty to clear a chunk of mortgage, or clear uni debts and get a small buy to let himself. Of course the houses could triple in value, or we could have a property crash at that time. If the last sibling is younger than the others, the boy might be a pensioner before this even happens. I can see why he's feeling protective of his family inheritance, what with the grandfather setting precedent with this family estate to direct members. He's just going all about it the wrong way.

To be honest though, that financial security will be when his dad dies - which is hopefully a long time off.

That's why I feel the grandfather would have intended his son to be using the income to provide for his gdc in the interim.

It's a nice amount. Not life transforming, but plenty to clear a chunk of mortgage, or clear uni debts and get a small buy to let himself.

And enough obviously to elicit nasty jealousy from plenty of posters on here.

But surely the point is that he has and is continuing to support his biological children, he has just also paid for a ski trip for his own SS.

maybe if his own son is concerned about expenditure, he should be saving well already and making plans to get a job to supplement his parents financial assistance while at uni?

I don't think anyone's being nasty. The boy has made himself look deeply unpleasant with his attitude and demands, and people have called it out. But frankly, many of us were dickheads at 18, in some way or another.

I do think the history of our empire passed down to our family from dear grandfather, has engrained very strong views and entitlement in this young man. Without a little bit of perspective and life experience, he has a very black and white view of anyone other than blood family benefitting from association. This will be exaggerated in his head, because the non related children who are benefitting are likely already viewed as taking his and his sister's place at home with dad, and now they're "taking" this as well.

Sorry - haven’t RTFT but… this seems a case of your husbands two eldest children (and especially his son) being a) brought up with too great an emphasis on materialism in general and money in particular and b) a child who clearly understands very little of life thinking that demonstrating his utter misconception and lack of class is actually a demonstration of adult behaviour.

This will escalate just as far as your husband and you let it.

The child’s attitude is unpleasant. But that is something to tackle over time - clearly he hasn’t struggled much in material terms and has not been able to comprehend the immense luxury he enjoys. conversations and activities which seek to balance that would be a good idea, but it may be too late to change his fundamentally entitled outlook. (Still very much worth trying with his younger sibling).

The request itself can either cause a furor or be, quite simply dismissed. Your husband’s father wished to help his children, and has helped ensure their financial security, as well as that of his grandchildren. Your husband just says something to the effect that: it was my father’s desire to help his children and also his grandchildren. You are fortunate to be a beneficiary of his generosity. During my lifetime I likewise intend to appreciate my good fortune and use the additional funds I am fortunate enough to receive in the ways I see most fit. That could include buying myself a fancy car, taking everyone on a nice holiday, supporting your academic endeavors and university education, supporting my nearest and dearest (which includes you, see previous point), and giving or lending money to those I feel need or deserve it, donating to charity or whatever else I see fit. The “trust” is irrelevant to you until such a time and my siblings and I are deceased and will continue to create a benefit for us (and by proxy you) during my lifetime and will benefit your cousins and you later on. I have no intention of jumping under a bus so you can benefit sooner. I have no intention of justifying my financial decisions to you and I am sorry if you have had the impression that you’re entitled to that. I love you and I am disappointed that you feel this is information you need for any reason. Your grandfather would be horrified. These funds are an amazing luxury which allows us to take some risk in life and enjoy many additional privileges, it is not a hoard to sit on or an excuse not to find your own path and support yourself financially as you grow. The only outcome of this question is that it suggests I have not done a great job at helping you to find your own path to success and desire for self sufficiency. That’s something we can work on together as you head into your final years of education as I believe in you and your ability to be resilient, be successful and, in time, support yourself and your own family, rather than just waiting for me to die so you don’t have to. we won’t speak of this again and you should reflect on what I have said and how you want your life to be, as you may find this attitude does not draw the people to you who might have most to offer.

At least, that’s what would do. And take this as an opportunity to reflect himself on why his child does not apparently understand either the terms of the bequest (which seem perfectly straightforward) or the privilege he has been granted as a result of his birth.

Your instinct to help is kind - but your finances have even less to do with it! This is between your husband and his son.