If your DM lives nearby would she expect to be invited to yours for drinks with your friends/neighbours every time? Would you invite her?

[Travelfairy]

YABU- Yes I would include her in every kind of get together at mine.
YANBU- she shouldnt expect to be invited to every friends get together, it changes the dynamic

As an afterthought, my adult children ask me to join them and their friends and I do. I feel honored. But mostly, they do their own thing and might tell me about it later.

But just to say ....... deep down, however many friends and activities I might have, the loneliness of widowhood is pretty punishing. Just worth bearing that in mind I guess.

NB I do NOT discuss DDs with their siblings!

No way, just as my parents didn’t invite their parents. And my children don’t invite me . The idea is ludicrous.

No YANBU but I have to wonder how she knows you’re having a BBQ? In your case I would limit what I share with her.

We live very close by. She sees the kids almost daily. One of them mentioned it

How nearby? Is she over the road so she can see the party going on, or just in the same town?
My DF lives five mins drive away and I invite him for dinner etc but wouldn’t invite him to a friends get together.

No, absolutely not. Too intrusive. FWIW my cousin and my aunt live next door to each other and they trot around together ALL the time like conjoined twins. My aunt even turns up at my cousin's workplace quite often and has lunch with her in the staff room. Cousin is 47, married and has 2 children. Her mother attends pretty much every social event that my cousin goes to.

It's too much. Too intense, and tbh it's discussed quite a bit as it's seen as an unhealthy dynamic.

Nope. My DPs live very close to us. And it works precisely because neither of us do or expect this! We see each other several times a week of course and we socialise in wider family and friends groups often but we also have our own distinct friendship groups and wouldn’t expect to tag along to those things.

If my Mother had lived close by I would have seen her a lot but she would not have been invited to get togethers with friends. But she had her own circle of friends so it wouldn’t have been expected either.

When she was widowed she did have dinner at my siblings house every day but they lived on the same road.

I live in the same street as my adult DC. I get invited to things at their homes if they think I'd enjoy it and gel with the company. I go out with DD and her colleagues at times as they're a mixed age and I know a couple from school. I'd not expect to be invited when she and DSil host their couple friends, because I don't know them.
I think when deciding who to include it's the event and company that is the important thing not the family relationship.

Can you gently suggest she joins a book club, Pilates etc so she some hobbies?

I would not expect her to join friendship getogethers. Having your mum there changes the dynamics.

Oh I have one of these mothers. It’s tiring!

My mother lives far away and stays for months over summer. Whenever we host friends she is always there dominating the conversation around her. It would be nice to have some space to talk to my friends. She literally interrogates people she barely knows. It's sometimes embarrassing the level of detail she will ask people about their lives.

So YANBU. She really should not be expected to be invited to everything you host, really not normal and doubt your company would like it either tbh.

My widowed mum lives 5 mins away, we invite her to any family things, birthdays etc & if we do a new years party as don't like her alone that night. Otherwise no. She'd hate if I went everywhere with her n her friends. She's a dominating character as well with hard of hearing & dementia starting so can take over!

Does your sister invite her to every social gathering at your sister's house?

I have a friend who's mum lives very nearby (next door in fact!). The mum appears at every event my friend hosts, friend catch ups etc. Her mum also accompanies them on every holiday. I find it very weird.

Depends on your relationship with your mum I guess.

No.

My son and I go out sometimes to the pub or to gigs and I've met some of his friends and its always, "Oh, its lovely to meet you. I've heard so much about you," on both sides.

He and I have a great relationship and are in touch most days and he has lovely friends but I wouldn't want or expect to be specifically invited to things he is doing with his friends.

No it’s weird. But then my
mother is literally the most popular person I know so has legions of her own friends she doesnt need mine!

If I had this situation, my mom.would not no. Even if she did, it's not something i would always do. I would probably choose to keep friends and family apart. Expecting something does not mean it will happen. Stand firm or you will become resentful.

I know it's difficult, but the best response to guilt tripping is breeziness.

"I just thought..." "Oh well, never mind! Anyway -"

"It just would have been nice if..." "Haha, nah I think this way was the best. Did I tell you about the kids' school concert?"

Just decline to engage in the way they want you to.

When people put on their painted expressions or wounded voices or that "edge of tears" face, I view it as an invitation - and don't accept it.

Not at all. My mother had a very active social life she didn’t want to be involved in mine! When she lived for six months of the year near me I saw her once during the week and usually had her for Sunday lunch (dad too til he passed away). But why would she want to come over with my friends? She doesn’t know them.

Mine would expect it but I wouldn't do it!

She shouldn't expect to be invited to everything. It's a bit strange to expect to become a fixed part of your children's social circle. Sometimes, you just want to hang around friends and be able to let loose in ways you can't when your parents are around.

No absolutely not. For a family event, sometimes, but not all the time, or a child’s birthday party. But our parents have literally never been invited to anything with friends or neighbours (nor have they invited us to theirs for a similar gathering).