AIBU to not leave the kitchen spotless once I have finished prepping dinner?

[ablastfromthepast]

Settle an argument.

When you have finished prepping and serving dinner (ie, dinner is on the table ready to eat) is it normal to still have bits and pieces to clear up in the kitchen, or would you expect the kitchen to be left as you found it (pots in dishwasher, surfaces wiped down, all items used in meal preparation away?)

I am the cook, all meal preparation with rare exception falls to me. I will call DH and DC when dinner is on the table. We have a few different dietary needs in the house so I am often making 2-3 different meals or variations, and I am not a naturally tidy chef, so in the process of trying to get dinner on the table for everyone at the same time, there’s usually a bit of tidying up to be done after dinner.

DH will often come down after I call him for dinner and huff about the mess and start tidying up rather than sitting down to eat, He thinks that it should be possible to tidy-up-as-you-go and by the time dinner is served, the kitchen is basically as you found it.

I think this unreasonable and it is to be expected that there will be some clearing up to do after dinner. Who is right?

YABU - you should be able to tidy-as-you-go and leave a neat kitchen
YANBU - clearing up after dinner is to be expected

I am a tidy cook and I clean up as I go but there are always things left to clean afterwards. It obviously also depends on the meal. If you are making something like a casserole etc type dish that cooks a long time in a pot then obviously you can clean everything before it’s ready. If it’s something that involves assembling a few different parts that need to be eaten as soon a they are cooked then it is not possible.

He needs to watch master chef!!!

TBH I wouldn't describe my kitchen as spotless, even after clearing up. The only way that could be achieved for more than a few seconds would be a lock on the door and I had the only key.

I clean as I go. DH makes a massive mess and leaves the kitchen like a bombsite, then has to spend ages after dinner cleaning up.

I do it after, or like a pp if there's more than one load to go in the dishwasher leave it until the next morning

I'm so confused by people equating 'cleaning while you go along' to 'cleaning after you've finished cooking and have plated up the food'. They are two very different things. The first is smart and efficient, the second is, obviously, rather stupid.

Well isn’t he a cheeky bugger?

I’ll be honest, haven’t read the entire thread, but why isn’t he helping you to tidy as you go along?

Personally, im a tidy chef, I get stressed if it’s messy and I’m trying to work so I do it as I go along. Like you I also have to usually prep 2+ options due to dietary needs.

DH tidies after if he’s been cooking, or we do it together. I don’t get annoyed with him, if he’s happy to cook surrounded by mess, then crack on!

Sometimes I tidy as I go or sometimes after. The audacity of him to complain when his dinner was cooked for him. After dinner we ALL tidy for 10-15min. Kids do the playroom and living room, dh and I do kitchen, general tidying. We have a rule that no one is left running around while everyone else is relaxing. Don’t accept this op. The cheek of him!

Yeah, but presumably the food is served on plates, and they eat with cutlery so there will ALWAYS be some clearing up to do.
Don’t be dictated to by this man, OP. The absolute audacity of him.

Dear me, watch yourself or his lordship'll be giving you a bad review on TripAdvisor. I guess you can forget about your tip as well.

Try "New house rules DH - whichever one of us cooks, the other clears. Which would you like to do tonight?".

You should exercise 10-15 minutes after eating to help support your blood sugar levels. Tidying up is our pre after dinner exercise. He needs to educate himself!

YABU for being a doormat and the poor role modelling you and your DH are to your kids. They have grown up thinking it’s perfectly normal for men to be pricks and women to be domestic appliances. It’s the 21st century ffs.

No it's usually communal cooking, or everyone has a role, so the work is shared. In those households eating together is important. The first that came to mind was japan. A lot of other such cultures do one pot meals, with a type of bread.
OP, your DH should be coming down as you are nearing the end and start tidying. When I first met my DP I had to explain that eating together meant something to me and It was part of what made me feel connected.

I do tidy as I go but there is inevitably some things left out as they are the last things I used before I served up. It’s unavoidable.

To be fair on DH he is rarely lazing about while I'm making dinner - he works long hours so is often in the office room working until called to dinner, or he is doing other household tasks. So overall the division of labour is equitable. He pulls his weight.

But I do find generally the lack of appreciation of the effort involved in dinner prep really annoying. I think the fact that in principle I like to cook means that he doesn't think it's a chore for me, whereas I absolutely hate day-to-day meal prep because there's a world of difference between the pleasure of free-reign to experiment in the kitchen as I used to do pre-DC and the drudgery of cooking for DC and their dietary complexities.

overall the division of labour is equitable. He pulls his weight.

Is it? Does he? What chores does he do? As often in these sorts of situations it turns out the DH does bins, ‘outside work’ and, occasionally, his own laundry.

Also, if you aren’t currently enjoying it and he has such strong feelings about this, switch chores. For at least part of the week.

I am unsure why it has different status...but it does!

The correct response to food being presented is - thank you, that looks lovely. The only exception is toddlers, they are allowed but discouraged from saying 'eugh, yucky'.

I think it's because food can be a bit of a labor of love, people often put extra effort into trying to feed their family something they will enjoy and appreciate and feel a sense of satisfaction at their family's subsequent enjoyment. The same cannot be said of taking out the bins.

Well yes I alluded to this scenario in my post as it was exactly what my dad used to do to my mum.

However there are degrees here surely. From the OP's updates, it doesn't seem that she is leaving the kitchen a bombsite. She just isn't leaving it perfectly spotless as thought it hasn't been used. It seems much more like a situation where her DH is being over the top about it and effectively sending the message that starting the meal when it's ready and enjoying what has been made doesn't matter as much as correcting these minor issues, which to my mind is disrespectful as hell. There is also wider context of her DH not being grateful for or attentive to any of her cooking efforts, and yet not offering to ever do the cooking himself. This context matters a lot, I think.

I would also still argue that even in the bombsite scenario, it is possible to show a degree of basic human politeness (like sitting down to the meal when asked) whilst also separately expressing dissatisfaction with the state of the kitchen (and perhaps refusing to be the one to clean it up if this has been the cook's assumption). They are not mutually exclusive things in my experience.