Family lacking manners, or just me?

[LetterBetter]

I hosted a family lunch for 15 adults and 4 children. They are relatives but not close ones, I don't see them often.

I provided all the food and drink, spent quite a bit on the food and lots of time prepping. I ended up feeling like a used venue rather than an appreciated family member.

These are the main things that stood out.

1. They all left their plates/glasses everywhere
2. I always take a token bottle of wine/flowers/chocs if invited to a meal but not one of them bought anything
3. No one messaged to say thank you afterwards

Are these things ridiculous to feel a bit surprised by? I wonder if I just hold myself to different manners, but this is otherwise pretty normal?

It doesn’t matter if they asked or not. They turn up at your door with a dog and extra people? You say no.

Have to admit it would never occur to me to take something to a family dinner, that’s just not something that happens in my family. That feels like something more suited to friends or dinner parties, not a family get together unless someone asks. We also wouldn’t usually message afterwards, you just say thank you at the time surely? We are very respectful family with good manners, but what you describe is a little over formal and contrived in my family.

2 and 3 is inexcusable. 1 depends on the set up - I don’t want people in my kitchen. And inviting extra people? Wow. Dog too - I’d probably have told them they kept the dog on a leash or else it can’t come on. I wouldn’t invite them back ever.

I'm from the South and always take a small gift, unless it's very close friends or family and you see each other so often it would just mean a ridiculous exchange of gifts each time. Your guests were rude. I find taking a dog to someone's house without checking incredibly rude as well. They wouldn't be allowed to bring them into my house.

I think this is what i was getting at really.

We are in Ireland and would theoretically bring something, however I am in your shoes OP and sick of hosting as post c19 people seem to take it for granted as you say and never reciprocate! Felt like a right mug the last time I hosted and everyone else kicked back and enjoyed themselves while I ran around.

I think there’s a difference between not taking something eg to your mums who you see often and this type of thing - extended family who you don’t see often. I would take gifts eg to my aunties who I haven’t seen for years.

I suppose i can see this, our family isn’t set up that way we don’t have family we don’t see for years. We all live within the same 5 miles (including aunties/ uncles/ grandparents on both sides) and that said both sides are small and often IL’s are invited to my side of the family’s gatherings and vice versa. The only exception is some family we have abroad.

I live in the North and would never visit someone hosting and not take a gift, neither would my friends.
I used to always host my husbands elderly Aunt and her partner and their daughter husband and kids when they visited our area ( seaside resort). The would bring some drink for themselves to consume, but no gift then the last time didn’t even bring that, I was really offended, told my MIL knowing it would get back to them and have never again hosted them, I’m not letting their bad manners upset me in my own house.
you are completely within reason to be upset, don’t let them do that to you again.

@Wheesht2 you were really offended someone didn’t bring you gift? Yikes I just can’t imagine being so highly strung, they are family. I wouldn’t even use the word ‘host’ when it comes to family.

They were extremely rude. I wouldn't be having them over again, at least not for anything else but a cup of tea and some biscuits.

Well I am from the south and everyone I know takes wine and other things when they go to someone’s house for a meal. I can’t believe that all northerners are like this. Certainly not the ones I know. I wouldn’t want to host them if they are.

Yes, I don’t have animals in my house. I have under great sufferance allowed one in my garden in the shade, but the people concerned brought a metal spiral thing that went into the ground to which a lead was attached.

I wouldn’t bring a gift. But I would bring chocolates and wine, or if the don’t drink cheese or something.

i would say thank you in person, not via text.

I would either start cleaning up if it was clear I would be helpful or ask the host what they would like me to do.