Family lacking manners, or just me?

[LetterBetter]

I hosted a family lunch for 15 adults and 4 children. They are relatives but not close ones, I don't see them often.

I provided all the food and drink, spent quite a bit on the food and lots of time prepping. I ended up feeling like a used venue rather than an appreciated family member.

These are the main things that stood out.

1. They all left their plates/glasses everywhere
2. I always take a token bottle of wine/flowers/chocs if invited to a meal but not one of them bought anything
3. No one messaged to say thank you afterwards

Are these things ridiculous to feel a bit surprised by? I wonder if I just hold myself to different manners, but this is otherwise pretty normal?

I wouldn't have acted like this as a guest but surprised? No.
Don't invite them back.

@LetterBetter Don't host these people again.

How bloody rude! I wouldn’t be inviting them back again!

Very rude and disrespectful. This is not normal or acceptable behaviour.

Thank you, that's exactly it - I wouldn't have ever behaved the way they did.

I just feel a bit used.

I'd 'only' invited 10 of them (I felt 10 was enough to cater for!) but then they invited 5 more between themselves.

One of them bought their dog, I love dogs but this one was so badly behaved it was such a stress.

Just a rubbish day, I felt deflated after so much effort.

How rude, I never go to someone’s empty handed

I'm such a people pleaser, I wish I hadn't gone to so much effort 😞

I felt so deflated and out of sorts, I wasn't sure if I was overreacting.

No. You are not.

I didn't expect anything but I'd never, ever turn up empty handed to someone's house when I know they're providing lunch/are hosting.

And I always make sure to say thank you afterwards!

Thank you everyone for being so validating.

Even my kids friends on a sleepover don't leave crap everywhere AND say thank you when they leave.

They are completely rude. I'm sorry you have had this experience but now that you have you know not to invite them again.

2 and 3 are rude. However, I understand number 1 because I forbid people from taking their cups, plates, etc. into my kitchen because they do it wrong.

You offered kindness and hospitality, which was abused. Another one suggesting that you don't repeat the invitation.

That makes sense if you have a preference! Totally understand that.

You did something lovely and they were rude and ungrateful. Sorry you were treated that way.

For no one to have even offered to help or to have even messaged a thank you. That's unforgivable

Were they your kids ?
even so id bring my mum flowers AND wine ANd help tidy up

can you say something?

Me too but my family knows this and still ask, every time, as it’s just basic manners. I wouldn’t be hosting them again OP

Goodness. This seems so unusual that I wonder if there was a mixed message somewhere along the line, eg a “helpful” family member telling the others there was no need to bring anything as they normally don’t?

No not my children, they 'belonged' to the family members!

I'm the same - I always make sure to show my appreciation, I can't quite get my ahead around turning up empty handed, leaving plates, glasses, tissues, etc everywhere and then not even saying thank you.

No I'm too much of a wimp to say anything, I hate drama, I will take the advice though and not invite them or host again.

I thought maybe they just didn't enjoy their day.

YANBU. I agree entirely on points 2 and 3, I always do these as a guest, and appreciate when my guests do these too. Regarding point 1, I do return glasses and plates, but if the host insists that I should leave them and they will tidy up later, then I follow their lead. I always still say though ‘please let me know if I can help you with anything’.

They were so rude, to not thank you. To turn up empty handed. To leave their plates and things about.

I would never do that, (but I have people in my family who would. I don't know why, but they just don't seem to get how hard someone has tried to do something special.)

Shocking. They obviously left their manners elsewhere. Usually someone volunteers in clean up- usually me. Lesson learned: under no circumstances are they invited again.

I grew up up north and moved down south,

in the south everyone takes presents to a meal someone else is hosting. It just seems to be the done thing.

I did it for a while for my parents and for pils and then my dad asked me why I was bringing stuff - Inwas family,

so I’d give them a pass on number 2.

I'm midlands, not sure where that puts me! But I have never had friends or neighbours turn up without anything, and not say thank you - even my book club message to say thank you for hosting!