AIBU to ask my 11-year-old to leave an overwhelming group chat?

[sycamoreoak]

DD 11 in group chat (not WhatsApp) with 2 other friends and the amount of messaging is overwhelming. DD had 50+ messages in space of half an hour or so, and when she was in a summer holiday club last week - doing something she loves - she turned her phone on in the evening to messages asking why she wasn’t texting. It all feels like too much pressure to me so I have asked her to leave the chat - AIBU?

Something being normalised, does not mean its healthy and ok. Surely people know this?

It depends what you mean by okay @likelysuspect . I didnt allow my DD to have a phone for safety. She didnt need it. It was for practicality (homework apps, timetables etc.) and to keep in contact with friends. It enabled her to maintain & strengthen social connections.

There were hiccups along the way, but no major issues. At the start there was a lot of parental oversight. That reduces as he grows older. Every family makes different decisions, which I respect. For our family the positives have outweighed the negatives.

FFS read the post before you get on your high horse

Why has she even got the app??!!! Parent her and delete it and take the phone off her too while you’re at it!!

Yup, I’m very anti tech for kids, have an 11 year old with no kind of phone or device yet and still think this thread is a bit ridiculous, some posters are being really unfair to the OP and are desperate to have a snipe without bothering to read. We all have to live in the world that we’ve been left with, even if we are simultaneously trying to change things for the better.

Good to hear what others have done in this scenario though (and how common it is).

She doesn’t have the app - this has been stated numerous times. Every phone comes with text messaging and it is this that she has.

No group chats at that age. Plus if so many messages are coming through how can be checking them for safety? It would take ages to read them all. Tbh it doesn't sound like you have enough control over the phone if you're asking her to leave. I'd be telling, and explaining my reasons why. Like another poster said, she can always say my mum made me and blame it on you.

That’s exactly what I did - told her and explained why. I know original post said ask but it should have said told.

I already apologized - maybe you should read my post and get off your high horse?

I genuinely wonder how parents whose secondary age child does not have a phone or just has a non-smart phone plan to move forward. Assuming that they want their child to eventually have a smart phone how are they moving towards that. What age is considered appropriate?
Maybe there are different social landscapes in different areas or things are changing, but
DD would have been very left out without whatsapp in Y7 and 8. She wasnt interested in big group chats (left or muted), but it was used regularly (& i'd say responsibly) amongst small groups of close friends. Just general chit chat and aranging meet ups etc. Even children who had very strict parents had a smart phone in Y7. The school uses class charts and the expectation is that students can access it at home for timetables, announcements, homework, team lists etc. It wouldnt need to be a smart phone, but you would need an internet enabled device.

& I wasnt checking every message in Y7. I understand some may think that makes me a bad parent. We agreed I could and would look if I thought it was needed, but i wasnt reading every message on a daily basis. I emphasised how important it was to speak to me if anything was concerning her. We could then discuss things and resolve issues together. To me there has to be oversight, but there also has to be an element of trust and responsibility.

So, you are saying that I should have let her stay in the group chat, if you think I was being unreasonable?
I certainly won’t be starting any threads any more if people can’t be bothered to read what I have written - what would be the point?!

YABU because she is 11 so you should be telling not asking.

Please read the rest of my posts - I did actually tell her not ask. I have said this several times now.

I think this might take the prize for one of the most unecessarily sanctimonious and judgemental threads on MN ever.
@sycamoreoak 's DD is in a small text chat with a couple of other 11 year olds. She has a non-smart phone that is regularly monitored. She feels a bit upset because there were multiple messages whilst she is out including ones asking why she wasn't responding.
Mum & DD chat about it - evidence of a supportive open relationship. It is agreed it is best to leave the group chat. Seems sensible as it is causing some upset.
Loads of messages from posters like 'tell her dont ask her' 'be the adult', 'why has she go whatsapp' (she hasnt) etc.etc.
Rather than being supportive or constructive some people seem to like to just sit in judgement.

Utterly ridiculous isn’t it.

Don’t worry OP there are some normal rational people in the world still ☺️