AIBU to ask my 11-year-old to leave an overwhelming group chat?

[sycamoreoak]

DD 11 in group chat (not WhatsApp) with 2 other friends and the amount of messaging is overwhelming. DD had 50+ messages in space of half an hour or so, and when she was in a summer holiday club last week - doing something she loves - she turned her phone on in the evening to messages asking why she wasn’t texting. It all feels like too much pressure to me so I have asked her to leave the chat - AIBU?

It’s not WhatsApp! Her time on her phone is restricted - when she checked her messages there were 51 - all sent within a 30 min timeframe

Mobile phones have had the texting ability since 1993 so it would be a relic without it.

If she hadn't been at an activity, would she have been replying?

Honestly I would give up on this thread as most of the posters don’t seem
able to read 🤣

No YANBU and it’s great that your daughter responded positively to the boundaries that YOU set her.

All the “why do they need a phone blah blah blah blah “ comments - these people need to wake the fuck up. This is the world we live in now. For better or worse. Definitely worse, I absolutely hate it.

Sounds like you are doing a great job! 👍

11 years old???

Take the phone off her

Oh FGS stop being so bloody self righteous, the poster is clearly talking generally, you dont have to take things so personally

Thank you for your lovely comments ❤️
I was just thinking the same about giving up on this post!!
Have a lovely evening!

As per my previous posts, she is not using any app/chat function!! Just the normal text message functionality!

Wake up OP - your child is a child, aged 11, and at that age is WAY out of their depth emotionally to deal with group chats. As a parent you’re being anything but sensible by allowing it to happen in the first place. If you’re not going to protect her properly, prepare for a lot worse than this in the future.

You clearly haven’t read my messages in addition to making a lot of assumptions! I have clearly said that she is no longer in the text message group with her friends. One thing my daughter is being taught is to read properly what other people have put and think before she types messages. I honestly don’t know how someone who doesn’t know me can accuse me of not protecting my daughter. Her phone is locked down and restricted, she has no access to social media/whatsapp, we regularly talk and she knows she can come and chat to me about anything - this happened this evening saying that her 2 friends had sent her a lot of text messages.
A lot of people on here have been helpful and kind. You seem only to want to judge. If you were trying to be helpful, then you need to re-think your approach.

“Oh she needs it because she walks home from school/after dance class” sorry but she doesn’t.
she pestered you for a phone because all her friends have one and you gave in because you didn’t want her to be the only one without a phone and you didn’t put your foot down - or some spin version of this.

No.

But you’ve proved yourself to be judgmental again 😂

I have an almost 11 yo and NONE of their friends have a phone let alone group chats! Take it away and let her be a child.

Neither did my daughter at almost 11. That was a year ago for her.

Thanks to the few of you who had something helpful to say. Unfortunately, the majority just made judgments either without reading the posts properly or having any awareness that they might not have all the necessary information. I am happy to listen to other viewpoints but would like a supported & evidenced argument. I was under the illusion that mumsnet was a helpful and supportive place but unfortunately it clearly isn’t. As such, I will no longer be posting.

No, mine didn’t have one at almost 11 either. But now she’s 11, almost 12 and has a phone because she gets a 45 min bus to school and back and needs to be able to contact me if there are any issues.
She’s still allowed to be a child though.

You may not like what I’m saying but I’m qualified to comment as I work in a secondary school and deal with the fall out of the huge issue of phone use by children who are, frankly, too young to have them. Our biggest issues are always with the younger children (and many occur outside of school). Your child doesn’t need a phone for messaging or anything yet she still has it and you’ve already experienced an issue.
Trust me, all the issues I’ve witnessed involve parents who said my child is sensible, my child’s phone is monitored and locked down etc etc.and from lovely open families. Most parents don’t have a clue of the various things their child was involved in despite saying they monitored the phone. This only escalates at secondary school.
You’ve allowed a Pandora’s box to open and your child has developed a dependence (whether you recognise it or not) on the phone to communicate and it is a massive distraction for an emotionally immature young person.
You don’t like what I’m saying but it is based on fact and a lot of first hand experience.I get frustrated when a parent thinks they know better than all the research that has been carried out.

My dc has all chats muted and doesn’t reply except in screen time and even then not very assiduously. If there was any complaining about that from other children in any chat then they would be taken off that chat by me. This has worked for us so far.

I would, we had the same thing with our two teens at this age and both voluntarily chose to come off by themselves- they can mute the chats without ‘leaving’ if they have FOMO!

i think it is a novelty thing at the age as has not really been an issue as they get older, or maybe they decide not to get involved more since then!

AIBU = Yes you are
OP = Im not posting anymore

I agree with you re the problems phones can cause so my child’s phone IS checked regularly. I have also read the research and my child’s phone use is limited. Unfortunately, other parents don’t do the same and do not limit their children’s use (hence the many messages to my daughter who had not sent any). I’m still not sure you have understood what I was trying to say - maybe I didn’t explain myself properly - but I really don’t want to spend any more time on my phone trying to explain this to you. Have a good day.

I think some posters have given OP a fairly hard time.
OP doesn’t allow WhatsApp/ any other social media. If she’s 11, she’ll either be about to start year 7. Or perhaps even year 8 if she’s turning 12 over summer holidays!!
It’s very normal for her kids to have phone at this point.
Honestly, a lot of parents allow their kids WhatsApp from the get-go. And for some social media too….. (thank goodness it’ll be banned for under 16s from Spring). OP makes sure daughter has phone free time to properly enjoy activities, you’ll find lots of kids with phones during activities and therefore not properly enjoying. I really don’t get why OP has been given such a hard time!

This thread illustrates that the MN demographic (or at least the people posting on this thread) is very different from the one i live in. DD is i Y9 now (going in to Y10) and in Y7 she had a smartphone and whatsapp like 99.9% of her peers. We had guidelines and restrictions, but with parental support she learnt to manage her phone use.
I have no idea why the OP is getting a hard time. She seems an involved parent and quite conservative in terms of phone use/restrictions. @sycamoreoak as far as i can see you are being sensible and supportive. In the world i inhabit it is totally usual for kids starting secondary to have a phone.

Some of the class WhatsApp groups can have 900 messages a day. Imagine trying to concentrate on anything when your phone is pinging 900 times a day. (My kids don’t have smart phones).