To think husband might be gay or bi

[OneFunGreyFish]

I have had these suspicions for many years. He is 50s, I am 40s. We haven't had sex in two years and only once in four years before that. He doesn't seem bothered by that at all. Even when I was 23 he was not enthusiastic about sex with us having it about ten times per year. I have tried everything, books, lingerie, talking, leaving it, making sure he gets a break on weekends, massages, forums nothing has worked. I saw a psych who said it was essentially a libido mismatch with his innate drive being very low.

Will not get blood tests. Will not open marriage. Doesn't want to separate.

He mainly wanted to when he was drunk. He doesn't drink anymore. His libido has always appeared low. I have been the same weight since I was 20 and other men seem to find me attractive so I no longer think the problem is me although it has tanked my self esteem.

About four years ago, his father asked me if he was gay and a close friend of his many years ago told me he thought my husband was in love with him. I have had many other people (men) over the years say they just assumed he was gay. I don't know why other men would think this about him but it's happened alot.

He used to go out alot for hobbies but doesn't anymore. He doesn't access any porn that I can find nor appear to masturbate at all that I have ever witnessed. The only new friendships he has developed in the last ten years have both been with much younger men in their twenties.

He has no explanation for his low drive and the lack of his desire has caused massive problems in our marriage. When I essentially gave up on the sex side of things the sex just died off as he doesn't initiate.

When we go out he does not look at women but I have noticed more and more that he looks at men.
I personally feel I am an unwitting beard and he is deeply closeted. I suspect he might come out with a surprise 'disclosure' after our youngest turns 18 (he's 12).

My current plan is to wait until our eldest gets into college and is through all that stress and then talk to him with my suspicions. We have spoken before many times about the issues but he has never offered any insight and said he doesn't know. I've never directly raised bi/gay/asexual with him though.

He is otherwise an excellent father and generally a good person.Not perfect but neither am I.

Has anyone else been in this situation ? I have no direct evidence but the picture looks pretty grim. Any advice appreciated 😊

It doesn't really matter. Either you accept the marriage as it currently is, or leave. Things won't change after this long.

Looking for explanations is just rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic to avoid making a decision.

Don't stay in a bad marriage "for the kids". My parents did this and I spent years stuck in limbo waiting for it to happen so we could all just move on. The waiting was far worse than the split.

Just have a conversation and ask him!! Also say how the relationship makes u feel without an intimacy or feeling wanted. Don’t wait for kids to grow up. U are showing them what a bad relationship looks like!

It does sound a bit nuts to wait 6 years to ask your husband an obvious question.

How do you get on with him the rest of the time? Do you have common interests/friends etc?

Stop focusing on your husband, trying to change and categorise him. If you aren't happy you can divorce.

You don't think it's possible that he actually does just have a low libido?

Of course he is. Why are you living with a liar?

Don’t wait 6 more years. Life is short. Leave him

My XH did turn out to be gay.

The PPs are all right. It doesn't really matter what the reason is. You're not happy in the marriage and that's reason enough to leave. You're not modelling a healthy relationship to your children.

Some of what you write resonates with me, but that doesn't necessarily mean your H is gay. In my experience, if someone is in very deep denial about their sexuality, they don't admit it, even to themselves, unless something fairly significant happens (death of a disapproving parent, meeting someone they decide to end their existing relationship for).

Also, once out of these kinds of relationship, most people tend to set they wish they'd left sooner.

For anyone who does find tout hat their partner is LGBTQ+, there is a lovely UK-based support group full of other people who have been through similar (see image for details).

Is he a kind loving man in other ways? A good dad, a good partner? You only get one life OP and you can’t spend it counting down to the end or until you can ask question. Your happiness counts for so much too! Whether he’s gay or not is almost irrelevant, you’re not happy and so that’s reason enough to think about what the future holds. Or you can just ask him 🤷‍♀️

Jesus Christ, 10 times a year when you were 23, and you stayed with him? The time to leave was twenty years ago, not now, but it's better late than never!

Yes, he's definitely 100% gay from what you've said here (and I wouldn't be surprised if he's having sex with other, younger men), although even if he wasn't gay, your mismatched sex drive is enough reason to split up. Separate, and find someone who's attracted to you, and isn't just using you to hide his sexuality.

I echo some of the other posters - it doesn't really matter if he's gay or whether he just has an incredibly low libido. The end result is that you're unhappy and this relationship is no longer working.

I would have a fair but frank conversation with him and make plans to separate. There is no point waiting 6 years to do this!

OP is waiting till her eldest gets in to college, not her youngest - so it’s not a 6 year wait! Read the post.
It sounds like you’d be happier without him, OP - gay or not (although he does sound gay to me).

Why did his father ask you that? And did you then tell your husband what his father asked? Dis he ask him himself? It is such an unusual question for a father to ask his sons wife, something must have prompted it!

Having the discussion will change nothing.

The decision you need to make is whether you are happy to continue like this or separate so you can have the chance to find someone else.

You are still young. Hopefully he will continue to be a good father, whether you are together or not.

You aren’t happy don’t waste more time in a loveless marriage. Very strange question from his father. You’re a long time dead and deserve happiness.

What would blood tests show about his sexuality?

Low testosterone might account for a low sex drive.

Don’t waste your life, tell him it’s not good enough and move on.

You can have low testosterone without being gay.

I can’t help feeling that if a man posted here saying he thought his wife might be a lesbian because of her low sex drive and complaining about her refusal to get hormone checks he would have his arse handed to him.

Sounds like he may well be. If it was a sudden low sex drive I’d say probably not but this has been ongoing throughout your entire relationship. On top of that, the endless suspicions his friends and even dad have about him… It seems likely to me. I also think you should leave, simply because he isn’t making you happy.

Also on the masturbation front, men do it in the shower.

Will not open marriage

I'd be opening it myself...sex once in six years? I'd have had an affair a long time ago. Sorry, not sorry

Even if he's straight....so what...you're still miserable and living in a sexless marriage

There's too much focus on him. The only person you need to have a conversation with is yourself. There's no point asking him if he's gay... he likely say no then what?

Would you consider leaving now? Not having sex would not work for me.

Agree. I would be having a conversation with FIL. Maybe he knows more?

I think the point is that either he's straight with a low sex drive (maybe due to low testosterone), or he's gay. Not that low testosterone would mean he's gay.

Although if a man said all the other things about his wife that OP has about her husband, swapped for sex - the FIL's question about whether she's a lesbian, all her friendships being with much younger women, the constant assumption by others that she's a lesbian, and the checking out other women and not men, I would think she was a lesbian.