AIBU to feel hurt after being called lazy over housework?

[Lazymummy889]

In an argument tonight dh has called me lazy and its really upset me as I think I am anything but

His reasons being that sometimes I will take the easy way out of things or pick my battles and sometimes give in too easily

He also made a comment that I work too much and ad such the house is a mess (he used stronger language than that) and hes too tired to do anything after getting home from work but the extra 30 minutes or hour that I sometimes log on early in the morning (I wfh 3 - 4 days a week) I should he spending doimg the housework he is too tired to do

He works 7-2, comes home and when the kids are school either has a nap or scrolls for an hour before one of us goes and picks them up

I work 9 - 5. During school time i log on and get set up begore school run, so about 8am, pop out for school run which is about half an hour round trip and am back ready for 9am. What he doesn't see (even tho ibyell him) is that ibstop at points throughout the day to load/unload the washing machine and hang it out etc. I then usually fold it and put it all away after work.

I also load the dishwasher after dinner. And then upload in the morning before work. Make lunches (including his)

During the school holidays most of the childcare is falling to me so while trying to work full time I also have the children here on my wfh days (agreed with work) so the extra 30-60 mins I do I'm the morningbis easily to make up the 50 snack requests and stop for lunches i do throughout the day etc

Just feeling very disappointed that I seem to work my hardestbat everything but apparently do nothing

I hope is doesnt? WTF does that mean? Illegible!

2 solutions;
a) stop doing eveything (unless for the kids) wait for the penny to drop
b) get rid , he sounds like a misogynistic POS. your kids shouldnt be witness to his rotten attitude towards you nor to you doing to lions share of everything
youre worth so much more than this
does he make you happy? Is your life better with him in it?
do you feel loved & valued?

You work longer hours than he does- if he is too tired to do any housework ,you are working longer hours why should you do it?

All of this. What an actual arse.

There's nothing wrong with her post apart from typos. It's fine to read.

No it isn't! We and all our friends have DC, work and do the housework ourselves. What an odd thing to say.

This

His working hours aren't that bad, certainly not a passport to no housework. I work longer hours and still do my share & cook regularly too. I don't see why he thinks he gets out of it.

Stop doing his lunch, washing and anything else which is for him. He's a pig, so he can live like one.

@Lazymummy889

He called you into the kitchen to show you a sticky patch? Who are you? His cleaner?

I have rage on your behalf.

Doesn't treat your job as equal to his own
Polices your phone calls while doing the opposite for himself
Uses minor & irrelevant situations to argue that you're not being a good mum - classic controlling move - hits you where it hurts.
Deep & hurtful insults to your character over nothing (liar & untrustworthy)
Calls you into the kitchen like a child
Sees housework as women's work.

RED FLAGS.
Start getting your ducks in a row OP and think about building up your support network, you need good ppl & positive voices around you.
There is a pattern of disrespect in the above alone and I reckon this is the tip of the iceberg.
Please don't minimise this, you deserve better x

This is the problem with WFH for so many women, and I’m one of them and I think it’s made the issue of emotional labour and the unseen jobs we do even worse. Men don’t see it as being on the same level as their ‘real’ work, therefore they think we should be doing housework as well. This horrible twat actually works less than you and has the absolute gall to call you lazy? Yanbu but I don’t know what to suggest other than a serious sit down talk about the division of labour and treating you and your job with respect.

He’s sabotaging you and your career. You can’t “win”.
Tell him your career comes before housework and to shut up. Read him the riot act and tell him you know what he is doing and that you won’t have it.

He’s a controlling prick and I would be telling him if he doesn’t buck up his ideas you will be divorcing him, you will have plenty of time for housework when you have 50/50 custody!

Wow, another useless, lazy gaslighting man! Please leave him @Lazymummy889. How dare he call you lazy when he only works 7-2 and treats you like his general slave despite you working full time hours.

He sounds vile. A man that shares the load cooks cleans washes dishes does laundry and child care is just a functioning adult not a miraculous being.The bar for men is so low they get praised for doing chores in a house they live in!!!! Dump him he sounds like he doesnt like you or respect you.

How is he tired and you’re not? It’s disgusting to call you lazy. I never understand these men. They make their partners someone to control, vent at or turn into an enemy. They forget the partner bit, the being on the same team bit.
If you can reason with him then make a list of everything you do v everything he does and ask him what he thinks about the imbalance.

His behaviour is bullying, abusive and unkind. Do you even find him attractive anymore? I can't imagine you ever being happy with a twat like him and the marriage doesn't seem to benefit you in any way. It's time to list all the jobs and all the free time that you both have and tell him he needs to step up or the marriage will be over. He's treating you like a servant rather than a wife.

Easy fix here, stop doing it all, and when the prick with a mouth complains, tell him you are being what he said you were and that this is what lazy looks like.

He’s minimised your job, your workload in the house, your parenting abilities and thinks he can click his fingers and treat you like a servant. If you wrote down all your daily activity vs his daily activity for a week, it would show that you’re carrying much more load than your DH.

Are you frightened to challenge him when he’s making these comments? Do you think he’d retaliate if you stood up for yourself? From what you’ve written he’s not reasonable and demands you be available when he wants. If your time and job suffer, it’s fine because he’s decided they conflict with your ‘duties’. Yet, he’s able to take work phone calls out of hours. It’s double standards. These attitudes belong in the 1950s and don’t make for a happy relationship.

Can you do some of your work from the library/cafe or similar? Drive there in your lunch break (or by 2pm at least) and stay until 5pm. Then you're not home when he gets back, he has to sort that kids and do all the afternoon stuff cos you are at work.
And don't bother doing things in between work tasks while you're home, it's distracting for you and doesn't let you have a breather like you would if going into the office.
Good luck OP, he sounds like a shit

Many years ago, me and my then DH went for counselling at Relate. We had two teens and both worked long hours during the week, but I also worked on Sunday too. I spent Saturday mornings cleaning the house, did the weekly grocery shop on Saturday afternoons and laundry, sorting, washing, drying, ironing every evening. My work involved a lot of travel, both UK and abroad and life was incredibly hectic.

During one of our Relate sessions my DH bitterly complained that I was no longer as house proud as I had once been and that he got pissed off when I let the housework slip. He enumerated all the household tasks he felt I was neglecting - it took a good ten minutes to document my various failings. The (male) counsellor very mildly suggested that if my DH wasn't happy with the state of the house, he should do the housework himself to achieve the standard he aspired to. It was, without doubt one of the best moments of our Relate experience.

I thought (hoped!) my DH was going to have an apoplectic fit - he was actually incensed! The best thing though, was that he never had the temerity to mention it again. Needless to say he's no longer my DH!

Can I suggest you use the same tactic with your DH, OP? When he complains, tell your DH to get off his fat arse and get cracking or, alternatively, he can fuck off. Two options and he can chose whichever one he finds more palatable.

Stop doing what you do for the next week or so & he'll soon realise that you're not lazy & do more than your fair share. If he says anything use his excuse that you're tired after work. Let him do pick ups & prepare lunches for the kids while they're off school. You're meant to be working & he finishes at 2pm so should take over when he gets home.