Dad being main carer for new baby.

[Fluffybuns88]

Our newest addition arrived 3 weeks ago, I unfortunately had a really rough time and ended up back in hospital for a little over a week with suspected internal bleeding, the ultrasound tech ripped open my perfect scar and it was found that I wasn't stitched up quite right resulting in a fairly large portion of bowel poking through my abdominal wall, it was very traumatic and there was several times where I wasn't convinced I'd make it home.

Today a friend asked how I was getting on etc and I said that I was doing well mostly because my husband has taken on 95% of the new baby care so I can focus on recovery, this absolutely horrified her and commented that this "just isn't natural" and that it will effect mine and the baby bonding.

Whilst yes I would love to be doing more, I'm very grateful for 8hrs of uninterrupted sleep whilst my body is recovering from a major trauma, I still get some cuddles and do some feeds and the odd nappy change, but my husband does the majority, I'm facing a long recovery do to complications and it's going to be longer if I'm pushing myself to my limits.

Am I being unreasonable to let him do the heavy lifting whilst I recover?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, you must know this. My husband took several months off when our DC were born. It didn't negatively affect their bond with me, but positively affected their bond with him.
Your husband will be so much better in the future because he has experienced first-hand how hard childcare is.

Your friend is an utter cow and should be told so.

What a nasty way to kick you in the teeth when you are already struggling after the birth. Hope you feel better soon, and glad Dad and baby are doing well together. You will bond fine - tiny babies are eating and pooing machines and as long as baby is being well cared for that's all that is important.

Your 'friend' is being ridiculous. I was in the same boat as you @Fluffybuns88. My Dh did everything to help me and looked after us both . No problems with bonding at all . She's talking through her ass.

I sorry this has happened.

Your DH sounds great, let him take the load while you get better.

I'm also wondering if your 'friend' is jealous because presumably she didn't get much help with her babies, if she has any?

You're friend is not your friend.
Give your body the time it needs.

I do inherently know this, I was just so taken a back by her comments that it made me question if other people thought this too. Because I genuinely couldn't comprehend her reaction.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

You need to recover- there's so much time ahead with your baby, right now you need to get back to a healthy version of yourself. That's what's best for your baby.

Your friend is an utter twat,

Wow, your friend is a nutter and an arsehole. So sorry for what you've been through and glad your sensible husband is doing his job.

Fucking hell, was my first thought! Who the hell criticises in these circumstances??!

Glad to hear you're on the mend and that your husband is being a fab support. Enjoy the baby snuggles.

Your friend is not a good friend. You've just carried and grown your baby for 9 months, this is the perfect time for your partner to be doing a huge portion of the care of your baby.

Don't worry about the bonding side of things, if you were trying to power through despite having major trauma to your major organs with little support I don't think that would do wonders for you bonding with baby.

It is great that your partner is supportive and you need this to recover from the ordeal you've been through. Hope you get to feeling more like yourself soon.

Your friend is an idiot. Doesn't she realise the extent of the damage? Ignore her and focus on your recovery.

The child is loved, fed and cared for by someone who loves them. They will be fine. It's great that you have the kind of husband that steps up to the plate as needed.
You're good

Your friend doesn’t sound very nice, she also doesn’t sound very bright.

I did virtually every for our daughter for the first six months of her life, I am 100% her least favourite parent!

I hope your recovery goes well, you’ll heal and be okay, you’re friends dickishness won’t however recover.

This so called friend is EVIL. How dare she! Ofc you are not being unreasonable. She is. And I hope you recover soon. Congratulations on your new baby.

Your friend is an idiot. How would it benefit your baby, your other children and your husband for you to wear yourself out looking after your newborn at the expense of healing from your operation? You main focus has to be on recovery. Very best wishes for that, and congratulations on your newest addition.

We really need to tell people to ‘fuck off’ more.

I hope you are recovering - sounds like you’ve been through a real ordeal.

That's a shit friend.

It's absolutely fine to let Dad do the work whilst you recover. Sacrificing your health to fit expectations from others isn't helpful

There is no way at all that you are being unreasonable. Your friend can sod off. She's a gullible berk who's swallowed this "fourth trimester" bollocks hook line and sinker.

Take all the time you need and I hope you have a swift recovery!

I can't believe a friend another woman said any of that to you honestly dump her arse you do not need that negativity in your life after such a horrific experience,who was supposed to look after the baby FFS !
fwiw i went through similar with my first baby, problems and then operations. Dd was looked after by her dad and my mil gave him a bit of a break after she finished work, Dd was absolutely fine.

I hope you are alright @Fluffybuns88 it can take its toll on you physically and mentally take care.

A friend?

My Dd is 34 and there was no "forth trimester" when I had her we just got on with it and i never lost my bond.

Your friend sounds like an idiot. Does she know that unfortunately some women die and leave their husbands as single parents, does she know that some children go into care and parenting assessments are completed on both parents and sometimes the plan is for the father to care for the child permanently and not the mum?

I was also very unwell post birth with my first, and DH, (with some support from his mum when he was working) did nearly all the care for first few weeks. Baby brought to me for breastfeeding feeds as often as I was able, topped up with bottle feeds.
I can confirm that my now 9 year old suffered absolutely no ill effects and we have a brilliant bond

Firstly congratulations on your new addition to the family.

Secondly - congratulations on finding a man who actually takes care of the family needs, his children and also you.

YAabsolutelyNBU.

You need to rest. You’ve suffered major trauma.

As long as you feel you are bonding then others opinions don’t matter. And if at anytime you feel it’s not right you can speak to your HV.