AIBU to be annoyed at DD “travelling” but then complaining about no money for house?

[rampa]

DD is 32 and a doctor in higher training. She lives in an expensive town in the South. We live in a cheap bit of the Midlands.

She loves travelling but also now complains how she will never afford to buy a house or own a decent car etc.

I have no problem her living her life in a bohemian travelling way like she does, but don’t then complain it’s not fair she can’t afford a house. She is unlikely to inherit either.

She’s spent the last decade working for a couple of years then taking extended periods off work to travel.

Have you discussed this with her? She can’t have it both ways.

Sorry but that’s her problem not yours. I’m a parent too and whilst we support our children’s choices, they also have to be responsible for their own choices. It’s not our responsibility to keep them ina financial safe place when they’re old enough to stand on their own two feet. You’ve not done anything wrong.

If she continues t travel and not find a stable job or put down roots that’s her choice, but that will come with limitations. Again, her choice and not yours fault or responsibility to pick up the pieces / slack on her return

Has she not figured that spending money means its gone?

What do you say when she complains?

Her: “I’ll never be able to buy a house it’s so expensive waah waah”

You: “Not while you choose to work so little and spend all your money on travelling you won’t”.

I had a laugh up until age 40. Most of my friends had a good head start on me. Studied, got their careers, bought a house, got married, had kids. I was partying all of that time, to be fair. I had an interesting job that didn’t really pay. It was a choice. Do I regret it now? Maybe… I did get married & have a child, in the end. But I don’t own a house.

Yeah, I wouldn't hold my tongue when she complained. I wouldn't be mean, I might even laugh, because she is being ridiculous.

Is she asking you for a loan or contribution? Or asking you for advice? Or is she just having a moan?

If she's expecting you to sub her in any way, tell her no chance - she earns plenty of money of her own and just needs to stop spending it on holidays. If she want advice, tell her she could take fewer holidays or rent more modest accommodation while she saves.

If, however, she's just having a moan, it doesn't really affect you, other than it being a bit boring. You can't force her to be more financially responsible and it's ultimately her business. If you can't bear to listen to it anymore, simply say "For heaven's sake - you go on four holidays a year! You could easily save more if you wanted to". If she starts but, but, butting, just say "Well I've told you what I think" and change the subject.

shes probably spent several house deposits in travel costs and foregone income, I’d just say you keep spending your house deposit on travel and time off work, that’s a choice?

Your DD is clearly an intelligent woman if she's a Dr. She has made a pretty solid career choice and should earn well so I personally wouldn't worry too much. She's only 32. At some point her priorities may change, or maybe she will choose to combine medicine and travelling.

as long as she has a pension itll be fine…

This.

As a Doctor she will earn well, so will soon be able to save a deposit once that becomes her priority.

Surely we can all have a bit of a wistful moan to those close to us without it being too deep ? She obviously is aware she has made choices re traveling so far, and, if she wants to own property she will have to re-think at a time that becomes more important to her.

Tbh if she lives in an expensive town in the south she’s not going to get a decent enough mortgage without a partner unless she’s earning mega bucks.

I would make it clear she’s unlikely to get an inheritance. And that she needs property for retirement. Suggest she buys a cheaper property in mids or north and rents it out either long term or on Airbnb. Then rent in south and make sure she is saving and investing too.

That might work out quite well actually. A few years of foregone holidays, buy a holiday home. Have a stake in property but not all your eggs in one basket by investing too. When she finds a partner she will have something to bring to the table. Hopefully they can afford to keep the little cottage and then they are quids in.

I’d agree with her . Then remind her she can only spend it once. Send her a link to Martin Lewis’ website?

Lots of people seem to do this. I work with a number of people, and the women in their 30' , single or living with a partner complain a lot they dont have any money, cant save, yet earn good salaries. They spend on their friends, endless holidays, cars, renting expensive flats because they dont want to compromise.

Then they moan they have no money, no savings, and for such intelligent people seem not to grasp you have to save and npt spend.

Youll have to be blunt! Or talk about wills and say there isnt going to be an inhertitance.

It’s not uncommon. The old expectations of being able to get a house seem so impossible that young people just don’t see how they can join in that game. Same with finding a decent partner and planning a family.
I have a DD who is still at home at 28 and spends her money travelling. Now she has a good job it’s three week long hauls and a few short breaks through the year. I’m happy she’s doing it. Living her life and seeing the world while she is young.
She’s on £54k now. Was on around £30k until current job a couple of years ago. She could have been frugal for the last five years and saved maybe £40k. With a mortgage she could afford a one bedroom flat. Doesn’t seem worth it for the trade off. She feels the same about taking on a man!
Be glad your DD has worked hard and has a great job and friends and is making the most of her life. And more understanding about the choices young people have now.

Just say the right noises. I know, mmm, yeah, it's tough, anyway...
Moaning at her all the time wouldn't be beneficial for your relationship and she clearly knows where her money is going. If she is asking for help that's a different matter!
You could tell her to go and book into a financial advisor to discuss wise investments for future planning, if she isn't financially literate like that.

Sorry this is terrible advice. There is a reason landlords are getting out. Who would want to be a landlord for a place hours away that will suck up all their money for years with the prospect of little return and lots of stress. Property is no longer a guarantee of returns. Prices are dropping. And Air bnb is a bad thing for many reasons.
My DC have decided renting is cheaper overall. Even at SE/London prices.

I am a doctor in higher training, I'm not going to plead poverty on her behalf but just make some mitigations to you.

It costs me around £150 a month in fees just to work - GMC, indemnity etc
I spent about £5k on my exams which of course wasn't optional
Could she be feeling despondent because there's a bottle neck in training or she will struggle to find a consultant post in her specialty?

Ok, the moaning is an issue, but if I had my time over I’d travel all the time. I have a property but a chronic health condition that means I’ll never see the world now. All power to her, enjoy life while you have your youth and health. She can always start saving at 35, her job means she’s likely to be in a better position to do this. I’d be supportive of the travel, tell her to quit moaning and instead have a ten year plan, think about when she might want to start saving.

Ignore her complaints, or just nod and say, “Umhum.” Then redirect the conversation.

why does she think a one bedroom flat is not worth it? A lot of people started in a one bedroom flat and then gradually worked their way up from there. Does she imagine she should afford a 3 bedroom detached house.

There’s the best given return in any moment and then there’s the reality you need a roof over your head.

For a doctor, even a single one that is affordable in mids and north.

Even if she gets no ‘return’ whatsoever, it’s forced savings which sounds like she needs. Plus some exposure to the housing market so she doesn’t get left in the dust if it does takeoff again. And ultimately by retirement, a roof if she failed to do/ buy anything else.

Financial millstone. Service charges, leasehold problems. Cheaper to rent while she’s unsure if she wants to stay in an area for years.
Like I said. Not worth playing the game at the moment. At her age I was so happy to get my first place with my DH. A Victorian 2 bed terrace with garden in a nice area. Somewhere to have a first baby.
She’s not alone. When the cost of entry becomes too high I support young people just opting out of the ‘housing ladder’.

My in-laws think similar. Yes weet own a tiny flat with kids, but they think we should be prioritising a bigger house over everything. I don't think they realise quite how little we have left after daycare and making up for a decade with no pensions. We could cut our one not visiting family holiday per year, but that doesn't exactly buy us a house. If rather make retirement without a nervous breakdown than stress about a status symbol that isn't relevant to my generation