To say no because he hasn’t got his priorities straight?

[97sunflower]

I’m dealing with my child’s dad who took me to family court for contact after walking away when I was pregnant then being absent.

He’s now got contact, it’s one day a week only. Most of the time it’s parents or family members of his having my child… he’s pretty useless in short.

Now he’s advised that he’s going on holiday for 2 weeks and won’t be available for his days… he’s asked to make up the days elsewhere.

AIBU to say no?

I have now got to sort childcare for those days, so that I can work.

I know this sounds bitter but I don’t get to just decide not to have my child when I should and go off on holiday. It’s one day a week he does, a single day! He could quite easily plan a holiday around this but had chosen not to.

So would I be unreasonable to say, that our child is available on the usual days, and that it’s his choice not to take up the contact?

How old is your child? Would it be something they want to do or would they miss the two days?

There really isn't room for this level of pettiness when co parenting. Its not fair on the kids

They are nursery age and don’t like going to their dads, despite having lots of support. Because they don’t really know him. And I think it’s been difficult to get to know him as he delegates mostly to family members.

If he’s the type where if you give an inch, he’ll take a mile, I wouldn’t give him the inch.

Just say “You took me to court. I am abiding by the court”.

Then when op wants to take her kids on holiday he will say no as he will miss his court appointed time. Its really not worth it

@youalright he might say no anyway. He might take that mile. Only OP has an idea of how flexible he might be.

But if the whole idea of taking OP to court was to get up her nose because that’s where he’s happiest, then I wouldn’t give him an inch.

Your DC doesn’t enjoy going so that would be a no from me, I would offer that his usual family carers to have them if they’d like to.

I would stick to the court order, if you give him any wiggle room then he will take the piss <bitter experience> if he cant do it, then he misses out.

Can you build relationships with his extended family, and encourage the Dc to have a good time there? It’s a good thing for the DC to know their father’s side of the family. In the long run, as long as they aren’t neglectful or unsafe, it’s beneficial for your child and you should encourage it.

I would, because you might need a favour/change of plan some day, and you don't want to give him an excuse to be difficult.

The dc doesn’t like going because they don’t know dad that well yet. Denying contact further just to be spiteful is detrimental to everyone in this situation. I mean the dad could have arranged different childcare for his dc for those days, it’s suggested on here all the time that that’s the right thing to do when the other parent cannot take care of of the child on their days, but I’m guessing the op would like that even less

I wouldn't want to do it but will it come back to bite you if you want to go on holiday and he has to miss days?

What real benefit does the “make up” days have for my child though? They are still going to miss a period of 2 weeks of contact while he is away? They’ll just have 2 extra days somewhere else, twice in the same week. It’s the period of absence that will affect their routine and stability more than anything.

He’s definitely not flexible in return. And no chance of relationships with wider family. He abused me and they know but take his side, they are just as bad as him.

I am really not trying to be spiteful, but just annoyed that he has 1 day a week to care for his child. He could have very easily planned a holiday around this. I am actually going on holiday soon and have planned around “his day”. It’s not hard to do.

I'm not really a believer in behaving like a twat just for the sake of it so I'd be absolutely fine with him having extra days after his holiday.

I’m not sure how it’s being a twat to be putting my child’s stability first? And not want to accommodate an abusive man, who swanned off for the first 3 years of our child’s life without a second thought for them, and who now only wants to parent when it suits him?

You said he had to take you to court, which suggests it wasn't a quick process.

I'm sorry that he mistreated you, but your child has a right to have a relationship with her father and it's your duty as her mother to facilitate it.

Your child won't be damaged by having a different routine for a few weeks but will be damaged by your approach.

Can you ask the family members of his who usually look after your child to have them while you work?

It’s the woman’s fault again then @Cooshawn? I am facilitating.

I wasn’t “mistreated”. A fact finding found that he abused me. In multiple ways.

Wow, how exactly is it her job to facilitate the dad having a 2 week holiday?!! I’m regularly shocked on MN but this is next level. You have got to be a man surely?!

Ok so he is a twat and theres a huge backstory

I would reply via message that you will facilitate this time but in future you will need x weeks notice.

Showing reasonable co parenting will be in your favour if you go back to court

As per the court order - that he wanted - make your children available for the two days. That is all.

The child will be damaged by having an abuser as a father.

op, still to the contact order to the letter. Follow up with an emIl confirming he is unavailable due to a holiday for his contact day. Neutral tone.

you are not being a twat. You cannot give an abuser an inch

I'd say:
If he pays for childcare on the days he's missing then yes he can have 2 more days with his child. If he doesn't pay for childcare then he's lost them.

For me that would show his priorities both for me, and to the law/court.

Ime stick to the court order....or it will get messier...

I want to stick to the court order because I know if I agree he will start doing this or the time or expect it, swapping days etc and being unreliable. I don’t want that for my child.

My child will be most affected by missing 2 weeks of consistent contact with their father, which is going to happen regardless because he has made his choice re holiday. 2 extra days tacked on somewhere else don’t make up for that gap.

It’s good to get opinions from different views before I decide how to respond, so thank you.

I appreciate it might seem petty, but there is a lot of backstory.