AIBU to tell my cousin to throw her son out?

[Ladygodalmighty]

My cousin, a single mother to a feckless 18 year old son, attempted to wake him one morning for a job interview. He had been out drinking the night before with friends and returned home late very drunk. When he failed to get out of bed she shook him awake again. This time he swore at her and told her to let him sleep he wasn't going to the interview. She persisted and attempted to wake him a third time. This time he attacked her, punching and kicking her. He broke her nose and ripped out her hair.
She called the police who arrested him. He is currently in police custody. She is afraid of him and what he will do to her if she doesn't drop the charges.

Was I unreasonable to advise her not to drop the charges, to change her locks and keep him out of her home, which should be her safe space?

My friend said that in that situation she couldn't live with herself if her DS ended up living on the street or worse still died!

So what do you suggest she does to stop him killing her?

I’m not ‘wrong’ or a ‘fool’
ive worked with situations like this my whole career.
there will be a reason why he is so angry- if he can get support then there’s a possibility that he and his mum could have a healthy relationship in the future.
If he ends up on the streets he’s pretty much doomed.
this is the cousins son, he was once her little boy- why not support her to do what she wants to do rather than catastrophising that her son is going to murder her?

This woman is a victim, don’t make her responsible for future victims.

OP your cousin is obviously an adult and you can be there for her but not “tell” her anything. She’s in an abusive relationship which is complex and very hard to leave. Just support her rather than try and lay down rules

I think many of us may think that way.... until it happens to us. I am certain I once felt that way. But when you are living in total fear 24/7 of your own son, not knowing what will happen next. When there are other more vulnerable members of the family to consider too, when violence towards you and then happens again and again and again. When every sound, every word could be the violence starting again. When you have lived their whole lives trying (and failing) to get help for them... when as an adult, they believe they are justified in their actions. Believe me, then you feel differently. I did it. I called 999 to have him removed and no, not even for a second, do I regret that.

After being married to his coercive bullying Father for 12 years my Cousin plucked up the courage to leave for the sake of her 10 yo son. His Father (who had alway been jealous of him) bullied him constantly while my Cousin spent her life trying to protect him. He chose not to have any contact with his Father until a few months ago and has recently been meeting with him regularly in a local pub.

@Ladygodalmightywell there’s the answer. He has one male role model to look up to, who is violent and hates his mum. I would advise your sister that some tough love is needed. He needs to grow up a bit.

His reasons are irrelevant.

She has to do what is right for her, and asking hin to leave is the right thing, but make no mistake asking someone to leave is not an easy thing to do and leaves you with massive abouts of worry and anxiety.

A family member was kicked out after his behaviour became too much, and he did end up on the streets. This was the better of the 2 options for most of the family, obviously not for him. it was very stressful for everyone. He was very vulnerable. Long term I’m not sure if was the choice, tbh I'm not even sure there was much of a choice.

My advice is for you, to take him to the housing department, explain the situation and see if they can help with a bedsit

What a stupid comment. Couldn’t do this to my own son??

So you’d quite happily let him be a danger to society and not allow him the opportunity to learn that actions have consequences? Yes great, let’s allow these violent thugs to get away with shit like this, until he hurts someone so badly, he ends up murdering someone. Yes brilliant idea!!!! 🙄

Id march the fucker to the police station myself and I absolutely would stand up in court against my own child if he did something like this. I wouldn’t turn my back on him necessarily but I absolutely think it’s bloody important that we teach our children that actions have consequences.

My child hit me once in a temper, he was 11. I grabbed him, laid him on the sofa with my knee across him and grabbed his hands in front of him and spoke to him through my teeth and told him that if he ever fucking lifted a finger to me or anyone else again, he’d be straight down the police station. He shit himself and he knows I don’t piss about. Funnily enough, he hasn’t done it since.

Put him out, change the locks and send him to his father.

I understand your advice, but bearing in mind at best he'll be offered temporary hostel type accommodation with the risk of worse influences, and at worst would be left completely street homeless (this can and does happen, not everyone is given emergency accommodation contrary to the general Mumsnet perception) - you have to appreciate she might not feel she has a choice.

Tell your cousin that it's much more likely that she'll die at the hands of her violent son, than for him to die if she doesn't let him back home. She needs a reality check.

So he learnt this behaviour from his parents??

Obviously it is not entirely his fault then.

His dad is obviously now playing the victim and blaming the mum.

He needs to move out at least temporarily.
He cannot think that this is an acceptable way to treat women and the person that raised him.

Tell your cousin that giving him the shock of being charged and kicking him out will be better for him in the long run.

If this behaviour goes unchecked then he’s going to end up going down a path he cannot never get off.
He still has time to turn his life around.

I get the feeling she won't throw him out. However it may not be up to her whether the charges are dropped or not.
Regardless of it being her son it's just another example of make violence towards women sadly. This will escalate I fear now that he had crossed this line.

I don’t know what area you’re in but there are a lot of charities that work with young men going down the wrong path.
Most are run by men who had a similar upbringing.

I would contact these and ask for their advice and give them the sons details.

He needs actual good role models in his life and join programmes that will actually help and support him do better.

Being arrested and charged is good and she needs to stick to it but without some form of rehabilitation then it doesn’t always help long term.

Yes, but the case rests strongly on the evidence of the primary witness/victim and if they refuse to provide a statement there is often little police can do, even if theoretically they don't need it.

Your advice is right. The police/CPS may press charges even if she doesn't want to.

In that situation I would follow your advice. I say that as a parent on the receiving end of periodic violence from a male teen (though in our case it's only during autistic meltdowns). The more seriously she takes it, the more help he's likely to get. It will happen again if she allows him to carry on living with her.

Would anyone have the temerity to respond with “he sounds very angry” if the thread were about a husband attacking his wife? I don’t think so. Violently abusive sons however, will always illicit sympathy and excuses.

Doing that to your Mother is a massive red flag and should be pursued because if a son will do that to his own mother he has absolutely no boundaries where treatment of women and girls is concerned.

An abusive husband isn't likely also a victim. This child was, for a very significant part of his childhood. I appreciate his mum took steps to protect him, but if he's living with an abusive dad in his formative years there's only so much the other parent can do to mitigate that while they're together.

Can he go and live with friends? His father is obviously a toxic influence.

It does sound as if he would benefit from some counselling / therapy (her too!!) . The impact of a coercive abusive relationship is deep, wide and long lasting. He watched his father bully his Mum, he had 10 years (?) being bullied by his own father while his Mum (from his POV) stayed and enabled it to continue.

I am NOT blaming your cousin - coercion and abuse destroys the capacity to rescue yourself. And her DS's behaviour is his own responsibility - nothing excuses it.

But right now it is not safe for your cousin to house her son. Can he live with friends? Other relatives? And his Mum saying they can re-assess if he has counselling / therapy?

It is possible for a parent to say 'I will always love you but for these reasons you cannot live in my house for now'.

Because an 18yos frontal lobe isn’t fully developed.

They are still immature, act impulsively and unable to fully understand their emotions or control them.

A violent adult likely was raised in a home and taught that it’s normal but as they’re an adult they should be able to control their emotions better.

No excuses for the boy but it is different if it was a grown male acting violently.

Every thread urging an abused woman to leave says 'this is damaging your children'

The 18 yo in question is one of those children.

(and I am still not saying this makes it 'OK' or his Mum should put herself at ongoing risk - she' s already lived with one too many abusive men in her life)

The CPS press charges in the UK not the victim. She can choose not to co operate as a witness though.

This is good advice.

It would help his mother feel less guilty and more able to go through with giving evidence, not allowing him to return to live with her etc. and make it less likely he starts being violent towards whichever woman lets him move in with her next.

He's fairly likely to end up couch surfing for a while and then living with the first woman who'll have him, rather than being street homeless if he's got (housed) drinking buddies and is able to be charming when he wants to be.