AIBU to question ADHD being used to avoid household chores?

[Bluebird70]

DSis’s kids 17 and 15 have ADHD (one has AD and the other HD I think). DSis is sole earner, works full time and takes on pretty much of the mental load, but let’s put her DH aside for now. She used to have a live in nanny/housekeeper, and prior to that, has always had some form of paid childcare/housekeeper help, but now the kids are older, needs have changed (in theory should have lessened). DNieces don’t lift a finger in the house. They are on school holidays and if they decide to cook or make themselves a meal, the kitchen is chaos after - think egg cartons with empty shells left out, the milk gallon left on the counter, dirty pans left by the sink etc. They don’t do their own laundry, any cleaning, or any other types of chores. DSis is burning herself into the ground, and everytime I suggest some sort of division of house work, it gets shut down with ADHD as the reason. One DNiece has just done their GCSE’s, so DSis and DBIL’s narrative was they have ADHD, they’re stressed about exams, we can’t ask them to do things around the house. Now that exams are done, ADHD is the reason. Being asked to do things around the house makes them anxious, they can’t cope, etc. Can someone please explain to me how ADHD can impact on their ability to help around the house? Am I right to be concerned that if and when they go to university, they’re going to have a shock to the system when they actually have to do things themself?

I think lots of kids have never lifted a finger before they go to uni and they manage.

I think the way DSis manages her household is up to her. It.must be really unhelpful to have a sister who thinks she knows better.

If you live a busy, stressful life, sometimes the last thing you need is to be "managing" DC doing chores when it's easier to do it yourself.

Ideally of course everyone would contribute without any intervention from Dsis, but in the real world...

I have 5 kids (4 still at home) who all have ADHD and autism with varying levels of support needs. Everyone has jobs in my house what those jobs are depends on their individual abilities.
That said, that has taken years of working with them to be able to do those jobs to a decent standard independently, and i can totally sympathise with the ‘i’ll just do it myself’ answer because it often feels easier than having to supervise and correct and supervise and check etc that comes from people who don’t have the best executive functioning or organisational skills.

If you want to help her, maybe you could offer to do that with her kids? If she’s burnt out the extra load of having to deal with changing the status quo is just too much for her.

Of course it's not an excuse but that's what they learned. They never had to do anything all their lives. It's their normality. Teenagers are naturally self centered. Expecting spoilt kids to suddenly do things they never had to just to help their parents is always likely to be a battle.

Apart from using adhd as an excuse, her household is fairly average. Many teens don’t routinely do washing, cleaning etc. At least they’re cooking, although they should be taught to clean up after themselves.

Yes, uni will be a shock, but that’s typical for any person going by themselves for the first time.

However, if they plan to go to uni or leave home, you dsis will not be doing them any favours if they don’t start teaching them common household stuff and routines.

I have a child with adhd.

supporting her to learn to do chores takes more time than doing them myself.

I did do it but looking back it was a bloody hard slog.

ADHD is not a reason. If your sister allows them to get away with this and treat them with kid gloves then thats her look out.

'The milk gallon' did you use AI to write the post?

Everyone seems to have ADHD these days or thinks they have or might have or are waiting for a diagnosis and it's an excuse for everything.

I think you need to decide where your concern actually lies. If it's about preparing them for university for their own benefit then sure, maybe your sister in addition to everything else she does should start setting expectations with them, thinking about consequences, chasing them uo to make sure they do the cleaning up etc etc. If it's for her own benefit you're saying this then I think you should trust that she knows exactly how much time it would save her and has decided it's not worth the effort. I say this as a parent of 14 year olds in a similar situation.

ADHD can very much impact on functioning enough to make doing things like house work very difficult. However they are being done a massive disservice by not being given the skills now to help them overcome that. Parents should be giving them the help now

Having ADHD is not a reason to not help around the house. However it is worth bearing in mind for many (note many not all because ADHD covers a wide range of things people find difficult). It can make doing housework more difficult it is simply harder to organise them.swlwvws think steps through etc... and teaching them how to do chores or doing background work of putting building blocks in place maybe needed.
It can often end up that doing the job yourself is easier than guiding/ teaching the child through it.
I have 1 ADHD confirmed child and one I suspect. Until recently one has simply not been ready to learn bigger house hold skills because they contain 2 many steps. And I do default to just doing things but we are slowly putting things in place.
For now it's easy instant jobs please hoover the living room.
Lay the table, clean the windows (although still at stage where they need reminding not to spray to much).
For forward planning multi step tasks I ask them to help me so they can start to see the stages and I'm thinking of drawing up check lists they can refer to to help they stay on task.
Eg. Tidy your room is too big/ abstract so for now I will ask them please help with X as they get more adapt a checklist so step one removed cups, bottles, anything that doesn't live in room, step 2 make bed, step 3 pick up toys / clothes step 4 hoover I am not adding in dusting yet moving Lego etc to dust would be too big a distraction at this stage.
ADHD is not a reason not to but it is a reason to adapt how they tackle the task and to accept they may have slightly different standards to you.

Not clearing up after themselves is lazy. ADHD does not stop them doing that.

They might forget but with a prompt are perfectly capable of doing to wash up.

ADHD affects executive functioning, so it can definitely impact on learning to do chores. Your DSis sounds very burnt out, so it's not surprising that she would find managing them through chores difficult. It would be helpful for them to learn: can you help with that?

If you are willing to help, the process would be to set a time when one of them can do a chore with you, walk them through every step, then have them do it several times with reminders of each step, then have them do it and check at the end for any missing steps, then remind them to do it each time. If you think about that process for each chore, it's probably easy to see why she might just do the chores herself...

Will confess be in quite lazy when I was a teenager. Never really helped with the chores.Although I helped my mum with the shopping. Kept my own room clean.

Never did the washing up never did any cleaning you name it.I didn't do it. Now of course, I feel bad about it that i'm a mature adult and I should really have pulled my weight and helped my mum. I was a selfish teenager at the time, though.

My sister, of course, was the paragon of virtue.And would have people believed she worked her fingers to the bone, helping mum with all the chores and loved telling people how lazy I was.

I used to get the same insults I'll be a useless adults.I'll be a helpless baby.I won't be able to do anything for myself... Sure, I went to university and managed living in shared accommodation.Doing my laundry, my cooking my cleaning my shopping and managing it absolutely easily alongside my degree.

Just because they don't do it doesn't mean they can't. I was perfectly capable I just didn't.

Maybe their mom doesn't want the stress of having to make them do stuff and can't be bothered with the fight and she shouldn't have to explain herself to you.

If these grown adults then are unable to look after themselves or lift a vacuum cleaner, which I think is unlikely.Well, that's their problem, isn't it?It's got nothing to do with you.

And it's exactly attitudes like this that depress me. Menopause arrived I hit a brick wall and was finally diagnosed with severe ADHD. I don't want it, I struggle daily and have done for many years, the wheels came off when I became too affected by menopause symptoms to mask any more.

Horrible, judgemental, nasty outlook.

She isn’t doing her kids any favours. Other people will find it extremely difficult to live with them.

No ADHD but my children were like this as teenagers. The eldest left home 3 years ago; has a great career and is extremely organsied and tidy.

A sibling passing judgment on my parenting and my children would be a far bigger problem for me.

I have an ADHDer who is not remotely interested in chores. Many of those with ND conditions are immature compared to their peers. I have spent a lifetime scaffolding, encouraging, teaching, helping, showing and in the end pretty much doing the chores and households tasks that we hope our DCs will do.
Some have a very strong drive for novelty and fun and as many basic tasks are not fun, it's of no interest to them. Extremely frustrating, because they're more than capable. They just haven't copped on yet.

Not your children, not your house, keep your beak out. No one will thank you for commenting or "helping"

I do have ADHD and there is so much that I don't think the NTs understand.
Assigning one task isn't assigning one task, it's several tasks in a trench coat. Doing the vacuuming is actually: 1. Getting the vacuum cleaner out. 2. Unravelling the cord and plugging it in. 3. Making sure the attachments are on. 4. Vacuuming. 5. If it's like mine, I have to switch it off, change attachment, change setting, and then vacuum up the small bits around the edges. 6. Unplug, and put away.

Throw in procrastination and executive dysfunction, and it feels like we've been asked to hike to the moon.

So it's good they've actually done their own food, but tidying up afterwards is several more tasks. There are times where I don't bother eating because there's too much involved. Of course they do need to do it, and that needs to be made clear. But I'd consider a compromise of doing by a particular time.

Doing chores etc needs to become a habit, and it's hard to establish, but it can be done. It takes time and consistency.

With regards to executive dysfunction, I even amaze myself at the things I really can't do that other people seem to find a breeze. It's me and my two kids, and I often have to pay someone to do certain things around the house and garden, because they're beyond me. If the girls have never had to lift a finger before, they might not know how to do things. But they do need to be shown, and it might take some time before it sinks in.

As for them not coping uni or living alone, understand that when they HAVE to do it, they will figure it out somehow. At the minute they know their parents will tidy up after them at some point. When there really is nobody else to do it, they will (eventually). Like I really procrastinate with taking the bins out, but nobody else is going to do it, so I have to.

And for her, it's probably easier to let them crack on as they are.

People use it as an excuse to avoid working and getting a job as well.

Well if they go to uni and leave out milk and eggs they’ll still be there when they go back in that kitchen later. So they’ll have to get on with it. If your sister is ok to be treated as a door mat that’s her fault.

They're your sister's kids, so you really can't tell her how to parent. ADHD obviously is an executive function disorder and does make daily tasks challenging.
I don't think your sister is doing anyone any favours and do think the teenagers should at a minimum clean up after themselves after cooking and take their own rubbish out, but if they've really never done that they might need scaffolding and step by step prompting for several months, which your sister might be too burnt out to start doing.

It'd be great for them to be more capable and self sufficient as well as helpful, but doing things for people is always easier than teaching and prompting, which is why a lot of burnt out (or lazy, but not in this case) parents don't teach life skills and independence skills.

Undoubtedly your nieces will survive (they can cook, which is something) but they might well be nightmare housemates and be in constant conflict with university hall or flatmates and struggle to find anyone to live with in year 2 etc.

I don't think you'll help your sister by telling her to make her daughters do more, as implementing it will be additional work for the next six weeks and it doesn't sound as though she has the bandwidth, so you'll just make her feel worse.

No they don’t.

ADHD varies hugely in how it presents, in treatment suffers have and it impacts work massively. For some holding down any jobs can be hugely difficult without medication, for others they can be very underemployed.

Op does not know the ins and outs of the ADHD as they’re not her children. What I now know is needing to focus on one thing at a time is huge if you want to avoid overwhelm and procrastination. Also people with ADHD need time to recover from things others don’t find so exhausting.

My dc have had significant serious MH difficulties and I know that managing life and ADHD is hugely difficult so MH trumps all. My DD’s room is a tip however she has made incredible progress with her mental health and getting back into education. My other child will do things when asked but can’t plan ahead or see what needs to be done. If I wasn’t on holiday too I wouldn’t be there to make requests so not much would be done. He has made incredible progress at organising his work at uni though. We’ve learnt piling on everything just makes for overwhelm and serious consequences.

It’s a lifelong condition and they will learn what works and helps as they go along. Leave the person who knows her children best to parent.

Why does it matter? it's not your house and you're not their parent.