DH shoved and called DS names and now I'm stuck between them

[UltraBlossom]

Long post alert but a lot of it is context soi've tried to make it easy to read but scroll to the issue if you don't want to read it all I don't want to drip feed though

My stepson has just turned 19 and he has epilepsy and a heart condition and DH has to do a lot for him than the average 19 year old, making sure he takes his meds at the correct times (he is capable of this but he rebelled and started to refuse which made him very unwell so DH has taken over giving them to him and making sure he actually has swallowed them), taking him to his neurology and cardiology appointments and sometimes staying with him at night if he mentions feeling off or if he's had a seizure close to him going to sleep and SS asks for this

CONTEXT

His mum passed away a few days after giving birth to him and so DH was left with 2 DC including a very sick baby with a heart condition and he did think he was going to lose him too as he was put on palliative care for a few months until he shocked everyone so DH is naturally very protective over him maybe too much at times and then he was diagnosed with epilepsy at 11 so it was an additional thing to worry about.

We have 3 DC together now (5, 2 and 16 weeks), DH didn't want any more children previously but changed his mind and despite him having therapy he was extremely anxious during the pregnancies about losing me or the baby and didn't want us to get care from the hospital his late wife and SS were at even though it was 14 years prior as they were found to be negligent in both cases. The hospital we did go to were understanding and the midwives were lovely in all 3 pregnancies, we had extra scans at fetal medicine to check the baby's hearts (and all 3 are fine and healthy in detail as stepsons condition wasn't picked up on the scans and DH kept telling them something was wrong with him but because his late wife had just passed away it was put down to him being over anxious

DH is his full time carer and he's just finished college this year and so far has no plans for anything so they're together pretty much all the time (I'm also home too currently as I'm on mat leave) but SS wants independence I think. He did have friends at secondary school but about 4 years ago (when he was 15) had a seizure in public and they left him and then told a member of the public he was messing about luckily the member of the public ignored them and called an ambulance and this added even more anxiety to both SS and DH - DH about something happening when he isn't there and SS about going out on his own. He now has 2 friends from college but doesn't see them often

Both my DS (22) and SD (26) were trained in what to do in event of a seizure from when they were relatively young, our 5 & 2 year old knows to shout for one of us and to not touch him, thankfully they've only witnessed one seizure which was in the living room and it was last week, I was out with baby at the time and our 5 year old was brilliant bless her she shouted for DS and DH who were in another room and stopped our 2 year old from going near him and then DS took them out into the garden whilst DH stayed with Stepson but DD was quite upset after which made SS feel worse

THE ISSUE

Alot of our life is ruled by SS and so we booked a weekend away at Haven just the 3 younger one's and myself and DH as DH also needs some sort of break he's exhausted as am I dealing with a baby and a toddler mostly on my own. DS still lives at home but also is at his girlfriends a few times a week so he was going to keep an eye on SS. However SS convinced him on Saturday night he was fine and DS went clubbing. He checked on SS yesterday but he kept telling him he was fine and DSwent to see his gf and slept there last night.

SS went on a date with a boy on a dating app apparently it was their third date (we didn't know any of this int today as the other 2 were when he was saying he was seeing his friends). We got back this morning about 9am and DH went into stepsons room to find him in bed with said boy asleep. DH was furious that he was in bed with a boy. We knew he was into boys (I think SS goes by bisexual though I'm not 100%) as he was outed to us when he was 17, DH had more of an issue with it and went to the pub and they had a long talk and said he essentially didn't want to meet any potential partner until he knew they were serious and told him he was not to invite them round or just sleep with random men he hardly knew because of STD’s and how they’d treat him

It turns out during the date SS had had a 2 seizures (the boy told SS - he doesn't remember) and the boy had brought him home and then SS asked him to stay because he felt off and thought he mightve had another seizure didn't want to be on his own thankfully he didn't

DH shouted at him for inviting a random boy into his room and our house when he was alone and he shouldve called DS or him and he then turned his attention to DS when he got home this evening and asked why he didn't stay with him etc etc said he could've died and asked DS if he wanted that, called him a silly cunt and a stupid twat etc. SS then was crying and said he just wishes he was normal and DH blamed DS in a “now look what you've done” way and when DS pointed it out that it was DH who was shouting he said he wouldn't be if he'd done what he should've done and shoved him.

DH doesn't see he's in the wrong and has been snapping at me too and said I wouldn't like it if the roles were reversed a it was my “precious DS” instead and stomped out, DS has gone back to his gfs so now I'm at home and don't know what to do. I'd like an outsiders pov if possible / advice as I feel stuck between both my son and my husband

Oh wow what a mess. Poor SS 😢

I hardly know where to begin. Your DH is a vile man and a dreadful father and stepfather. You are not stuck between anything, there is a very clear way forward here, and that's to support your son and step son in the face of your husband's appalling behaviour.

You need another solution than relying on siblings (full/step/half whatever) to look after him. That's not fair and they will end up resenting each other.

Your husband is out of line. And your SS needs to grow up in terms of managing his own medication.

Your son is his brother, no his parents or caregiver. Your stepson is entitled to a romantic/sex life, he's an adult.

I think DH needs to look at respite or supported living for SS. Poor DS - he's only 16 and has been given responsibility above his age... Yes he shouldn't have gone out but he's 16! You're expecting a lot from him.
I think you have taken on a lot - not saying you shouldn't have had the younger ones but you sound overly stretched. Can you find some support groups or something social for SS to meet people in a similar situation?

Sounds like everyone has reacted in shock.

Your DH has spent your SS whole life being his primary carer and he would have been anxious leaving him and that probably added to his reaction.

Je was unfair to your DS and shouldn’t have shoved him. Or yelled at hi
either.

i think everyone needs to re visit this tomorrow when they are calmer.

Perhaps DH needs to revisit therapy but also you SS to have therapy to help him accept and manage his medical conditions.

Unless this sort of behaviour is common I’d take it as it was - a massive over reaction due to fear and anxiety and work on future prevention of it reoccurring.

DS should have stayed with him as he’d promised. DH shouldn’t be aggressive and name calling.

Your DH sounds as though he's completely obsessive over his son's health, to be honest. It must be suffocating for the poor lad.

He’s 22?

Still a lot to ask but it wasn’t a minor left in charge of an ill adult.

It is NOT your son’s job to watch his step brother. If he can’t be left alone and his dad is against his potential partner watching him then HIS dad needs to sort proper care for him. Also to add instead of his dad rambling on about him getting STDS why didn’t they sit down and have a conversation about safe sex?

Does he have social services support? If not, he really needs it. He will end up completely isolated from the world at this rate without outside support.

@itsgettingweird Ahh sorry - misread the 16 weeks bit as age for DS.

Op a heart condition and epilepsy well managed with meds doesn't mean a 19 yr old can't have a romantic life. Also you do realize the seizures may be a convenient lie for why he had a boyfriend in his bed? He was most likely there for an entirely different reason bthe seizures are a convenient cover story of course. It's sad he may be having to fake a health episode to justify having a romantic life at 19.

If I were your DS I'd be washing my hands of the lot of you so good luck there.

I don't see how you're stuck between them - your dh is abusive and your role is to protect your dc.

The complexity of the situation doesn't change the fact that he's crossed a line that can't be uncrossed.

You can't stay with a man who physically and verbally assaults your dc.

I can’t believe he didn’t want children with you at first and now you’ve got 3 really close in age! That is lot to take on especially with a miserable prick of a husband.

Wow there's a lot to unpack there.

Being generous, I think your husband acted like that because he was scared. But it was very unreasonable, he is babying and frankly smothering his son because of his anxiety and that has to stop. It is ironic that he was afraid because his sons friends had let him down badly when he needed help at 15, but this lad who stayed over didn't leave him. I think the 22 year old is desperate for some normality - that's why he was so keen for your 16 year old to go out. You don't say anything about a learning disability so your husband needs to allow him to be the young man he is, he needs to be able to lead his life how he wants and with as much independence as his health allows. Your husband is doing him a gross disservice preventing that.

Your husband was also grossly unfair to take out his anger and fear on your 16year old. His brother is an adult with capacity, if he said he was ok being left he had to respect that.

So what would I do? In the right now I'd check that both the 22 year old and 16 year old are ok and know that they have done nothing wrong. I would let the dust settle and speak to your husband tomorrow when he's calmed down. I think he needs therapy as he clearly is letting his own anxieties control and dominate family life and making people miserable. I also think the 22 year old could really do with an outside person to speak to. I'd be very worried that he was depressed especially as he has stopped wanting to sort his own medication and sounds like he wants to be more social than he feels able to at the moment. I think he may feel very trapped.

Urgh sorry I also got confused! 22year old means your step son who has the epilepsy, 16year old means your son that got shouted at.

@UltraBlossom so you and your dh already had kids who are now grown up and yet felt the need to have 3 more. Sorry but ofcourse it's going to be complicated. And your son shouldn't have to be a care giver. You all def need a break that's for sure but your dh was wrong to lay his hands on your son and should apologise.

You’re not in the middle.

STAND UP FOR YOUR CHILD.

Make the holiday fun for your children and do your own thing with them. Stop pussy footing around him, he’s a jerk

It seems to me that DH is probably traumatised by the history you have set out. That isn’t an excuse, but it does explain to some extent why everything blew up. Add in fear and frustration and homophobia and it’s a volatile mix.
There are so many elements to this. There is the initial trauma (DH and SS) the ongoing medical and social issues (isolation, not being responsible for his own meds for SS), the effect on you and your DS as well as your joint children of all that, your SS’s sexuality and how that is accepted (or not), who is responsible for whom and when and why. And that’s before you even look at how you (and DS) are caught in the middle of it all. I am sure you see how this could play out: DH feels responsible for SS and the house revolves around him such that even a weekend away has resulted in a situation that is not to be repeated so you won’t be leaving SS again.

In the immediate, I’d want DH to calm down and look at this logically and dispassionately and recognise he wasn’t right or fair when he had a go at DS. But this needs more sorting I would suggest than you can do alone. When things are calm, there needs to be a discussion about how to do this differently. That means also a willingness to do so (from in particular DH/SS). It seems like something a good family therapist might help you all unpick and rebuild.

I do feel for you stuck in the middle and I hope you have your own support.

I've not seen anything about SS having a learning disability? So I assume he has capacity to make his own decisions. He knew he could have called your DS, he said he'd be fine, when he wasn't he asked someone else to stay. Neither of the sons have done anything wrong.
Your DH has been through a lot but he was in the wrong, he should be apologising to your DS mainly, but also to you and his own DS. He needs to let SS build his own independence and stop treating him like a child.
A falls bracelet or pendant may be a good option for SS. He deserves freedom and independence from his dad, he shouldn't be held back because of his physical health.

I think your dh behaviour is still ruled by fear.
He isn’t letting his ds grow and have a life. And yes people with epilepsy can have an independent life!

He needs A LOT more counselling to help him get to grip with the idea he cannot constantly protect his ds. Beside what will happen if he dies himself (or rather when)?

His reaction towards your ds was basically an attempt to lessen his guilt. If it’s your ds that is responsible, it’s not him right?
Except your ds reacted very well and pointed out the ‘error’.

At your place, I’d speak to your ds and tell him and he did nothing wrong. Reassure him if needed etc….

Then big discussion with your dh. But he absolutely need to have more counselling. That’s one thing I wouldn’t negotiate on. Because today that was your dss. But tomorrow one of your dcs might have an accident (like I ended up in A&E with dc1 after a fall at a skate park. Dc1 had a concussion. No lasting damage btw). How would he cope?
And your dss needs a plan on how to live his life as an adult. Not like a teen that needs 1-1 and a SAHP.

This is a brilliant post.

I’d also add has he ever reacted like this before or is this a one off?

It sounds to me like he needs therapy to talk through his trauma and also guidance on how to move forward.

Things stands put for me is that the deal was that your son would stay with step son so dh could go away in the knowledge that he was cared for and could relax.
Your son broke that trust