He's still fucking HERE!! AIBU?

[Gingernaut]

I apologise in advance. This is a very long post, There is even more back story than this.

I have tried not to drip feed.

I'm 58. The eldest of 3. Very glass half empty

I work at a VERY low level job within the NHS, barely above minimum wage

I live in a shitty part of the world - Two decades ago, I bought a three up, three down, mid terraced house, in the hope that, with family help and a loan I could do it up

My family sickened, my life turned to crap, the loan became a complete millstone and I've been unable to do the house up due to lack of funds or sell because the house's current value won't let me buy another place

I have ADHD AND dyslexia, the cost of education is out of reach and I am unqualified apart from O Level, CSE, GCSE level and a useless HND

I am unlikely to get a better paying job

When our parents died owning property in London, middle brother fucked around and got a deed of variation and second brother and I inherited less than we should have done - I was in a very crappy situation, close to killing myself and at least I got some money

Instead of doing the correct thing, I threw money at this dump, got shilled by cowboy builders who since went bust and I am STILL living in a dump in a crappy, slumlord dominated hellscape

At one point, after paying the mortgage off, I was offered £15k for it by a slumlord and I realise I should have bitten his arm off

I would still have enough money to buy a better place in a nicer area

Still, hindsight...20/20...blah,blah

my only 'savings' are the remnants of my inheritance which I am loath to touch as that is my pension/rainy day fund

Think tens of thousands, not hundreds of thousands of £££ - I cannot afford to lose this, spend it rashly or crack into the bonds/savings accounts without penalties

My only saving grace is that I now no longer pay a mortgage, handy, considering I'm paid so little

Middle brother, got a three bedroomed flat in London out of our parents' estate which has only gone up in value since my dad died

He's divorced with two adult children, one of whom is "in law" - Has a law degree and is advising dad

After the sale of the flat, which somehow took forever, he paid his ex-wife and still had a considerable sum of money to buy a place

He moved in in December 2023

It is now August 2026.

At first, it did look temporary.

He did a few jobs around the house, whilst getting to know the area, looking for houses, all the while moving more and more stuff in

Fixed the bathroom window which leaked when it rained and the wind blew in the wrong direction

Found and fixed an issue with the drainage from the cowboy installed upstairs bathroom, digging out a new drain and fixing it to the sewer line in the process

Laid out a new lower path (which causes me issues with a knee injury), but it's now lower than the damp course

Fitted and charged me for a new, unwanted fence but found an issue which had been causing damp in the upstairs bedroom he is now sleeping in

Painted the back of the house after hiring some scaffolding

He started with the damp issue with the downstairs of the house, but stopped more than two years ago

He got caught up spending more and more time in the garden, weeks, in fact

It now looks lovely, but now has grass which needs cutting - Not slumlord or renter friendly

The ONLY people who might have any interest in buying a mid terrace house between tenanted properties will be a landlord and that back yard will cost somewhere in the region of £5k to £10k to take back to slab/concrete/courtyard

There a 20 square foot patch of bare brick in the corner of my back room, signalling to anyone who visits that there is a massive issue with damp and it's been like this for TWO FUCKING YEARS

He found a place, a mid terraced house, but the vendors had to wait for probate

He refused to look for another place

He kept going and bought this dump, with the sale going through in 2024 - It was structurally unsound, near a school, so has parking issues, has antisocial neighbours, but since then he's been promising me that he's leaving

Three dates in 2025 have gone by and he's STILL here

One of the dates, he started shouting at me that I was being insensitive about the death of a guy who he had never mentioned before and he had to go to London to perform a few DIY tasks for his grieving widow

All the while, the space needed to sort the damp issue, make exploratory holes in the flooring to see the extent has been taken up with his hoard

The front room is filled with his tools, desk and chair, the second bedroom is filled with his stuff as well

I started this low paid job as I needed a break from the shift work which was slowly doing my head in

I took a £1k a month pay cut to have regular hours

I worked on small pieces of salvaged furniture, I have an interest in sewing and embroidery and bought an expensive scanner for all the family photographs which I intended to digitise for the rest of the family

All these plans have been turned to shit

The fabrics and thread are inaccessible due to them being locked away in the spare bedroom - more than likely being eaten with moths

The scanner is up and out of reach, there is nowhere to lay it out to operate it

The front room, where the furniture used to be worked on is now hoarded out with tools

I have removed the dining table in the back room to create space - It's now used for drying laundry

Better yet, I am allergic to a variety of foodstuffs which Middle Brother insists on cooking - My own kitchen is inaccessible to me and he sees nothing wrong with this

I have told him to leave - HE refuses and has taken advice from his son to say this is correct

Sum total of the legal argument is "But he'll be homeless"

He insists that the work he's done has more than paid for his rent AND all bills

Yes, reader, in case you're still here, he has not paid any of the bills aside from three months, when he showed willing, all the while piling more stuff up in the house

He does have a storage unit

I have lost the single person's council tax discount and I am paying increased gas and electric bills

I have taken paid legal advice and been told that as he has done some work to the place he may have a beneficial interest in a house I have owned for decades

I have gone into "petty mode"

I have stripped the gas hob and oven of everything to make them useable - Gas consumption has dropped to the point that some days, the standing charge is higher than the cost of the gas used on a daily basis

He then insisted that the washing machine wasn't rinsing properly and started to do two washes - One for the wash and one for the rinse - of course the electricity went up

I removed the machine drawer - A friend at work is looking after it for me

To me, the storage and laundrette costs are more than the cost saved, but I am petty as fuck

Middle brother has now bought an electric hob and his own microwave

Taking up more fucking space and using more electricity

Matters are not helped by the state of his house

During the early Spring, when family visited from all over, he took us on a "tour" of the house

We could stand in the front room, look up and see the underside of the roof

When I challenged him during one Saturday in July about the state of my finances and when he was moving out he gave me an instruction to wear solid shoes and he would take me over to see the state of the place

Sunday morning he confessed that he has spent months digging a hole and there was so little progress on the house that I would notice

He bought such a fucking garbage patch that a well, you know, a water type well, outside his kitchen door has been leaking and damaging the foundations

He had been digging out the well by hand and performing groundworks outside the house after taking advice

And the foundations need to dry out,

And he has to create a soakaway

And the house cannot be moved into

I am beyond fucking livid

This parasite is leeching off his poorly paid and increasingly disabled sister, forcing her to eat out of packets due to his selfishness in the kitchen and he is on side quest after side quest

Electric bike, well, garden etc

Even in his own house, because he has no front garden, he can't park a skip on the road due to the parking issues around the school - A huge portion of the rubble from the works is in 'cages' around the garden, forming building blocks for walls

He has no bathroom or kitchen and this will remain so for some time

Instead of working on the house today he's got a "van job"

I had to take a day off to let the BG Boiler man do his annual survey, hence this rant

The people at work area aware of my predicament - I have two half joking offers of help to dispose of his corpse should I kill him

We worked out I needed two volunteers, because he has two vehicles. They are both dog owners and know remote spots to dispose of the vehicles and his corpse

We jokingly planned it all out, utterly deadpan

I have been referred to safeguarding on the grounds of financial abuse, their referral upwards failed to progress as there are plenty of others in greater need than me and my case was not considered severe enough

The police were useless - "Well, have you told him to leave?"

My paid legal advisor told me he may have a beneficial interest in the house

A house I have owned and lived in for over two decades

What can I do?

Ok small steps-

• go and see a solicitor and get them to write him a letter stating he has to leave by X date. Make it reasonable- say end of September. Use some of your savings for this, it’s worth it.
• tell everyone in the family that this needs to happen so you can sort the house out and so you can both move on with your lives. Ignore pleas from him and his son, who sounds like he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
• This gives your brother time to either sort his own house, rent something or get a caravan. If he’s homeless then it’s his own/ his kids’ fault not yours.
• If he doesn’t go, get him evicted, but I think he will leave once he knows you mean it.
• Then work out what you’re going to do with your place. No one will do this for you. So either you need to do the work yourself or get some money together to sort it out. Maybe concentrate on a few key rooms like the kitchen or the lounge. Sort out the damp- that’s non negotiable. Either budget very strongly for a few months or take a second job/ work overtime if you can. Even if you can save £100-200 a month this will mount up. Make a plan for what you need doing by a professional and then do the rest for yourself. Don’t get distracted by side projects in the meantime.
• Stop with the petty stuff, it’s not working and won’t help.

If you don’t take control of your life someone will come along and take control of it for you, for their own benefit. Time to look out for yourself.

He's just come in from his "van job"

I asked him to leave again and again he's told me the same flim flam as before

He doesn't have references for a landlord, he's working towards leaving, he's working on the floors (!), it will be finished "soon" with no firm date

I've told him there is thousands of £££ in fabric, thread, tools and equipment that I can't access thanks to him and he's now 'working'

Batting back and forth between van, car and the house, with tools and equipment

Not being productive and not saying anything

Even in front of witnesses, you can't pin him down without him trying to rationalise or argue his way out

send him a text confirming you have asked him to leave. Continue with the locksmith visit set up

The only person who can change your circumstances is you. Others can support but you need to make decisions and stick by them.

Give him a week to move out and then get the locks changed. Give him notice that any belongings left in your house after a month will be disposed of.

You are going to have that family row at some point. Your choice on whether it's this week or in six years but it's going to happen. Unless you block them all and go NC of course.

So what do you take from this?

Also surely you can start getting his shite out of the house at the very least? Buy some bankers boxes, present him with them and then tell him to take them to a storage unit or you’ll take them to the tip. This will show him you mean it.

And start doing whatever you can around the house asap, don’t wait for him. Watch a you tube video on plastering and have a go at the end of the lounge. What’s the worst that can happen? Decorate walls where you can. Declutter. Make this your house, not some kind of non-functioning hovel, all the time reiterating that he needs to leave by X date as you’ve said.

The problem with the wall, is the floor

It needs to have the laminate pulled up and the floor dug away from the damp course

Fixing that corner will not help the rest of the ground floor

Ok so how are you going to get this done? Have you got some quotes? You can take the laminate up yourself you know, it’s really easy. Then just get a quote or a few quotes for the rest of the work. Maybe use some of your savings or work out a plan to save some of your wages for the rest of it.

I know the situation with your brother is winding you up, but everyone has to deal with house issues- we’ve had a burst pipe, blocked gutter, dishwasher out of action etc etc just in the last few months. No one is going to resolve this for you, so you just need to get it sorted out and deal with him separately.

With the hoard removed from the front room, the back room can be emptied and the laminate can be taken up

I have a series of pick axes, club hammers and cold chisels which I can do a lot of the prep work with

Parking is cut throat, but putting a skip in front of the house is not impossible

An estimate could then be issued for the back room, but if the front room and kitchen floors need to be taken up, that's another level of pain

Short answer, he needs to be gone and all his stuff cleared before any of this can be done

He knows this

It's like he's deliberately rendered the house unsaleable until he goes

he's deliberately rendered the house unsaleable until he goes

he is - there’s no doubt. It sounds like there is a whole heap of resentment and dislike from him to you manifesting itself here.

A massive row is nothing at all compared to what you are enduring at the moment! Get real! He needs to be out on tne streets asap. He will manage, as he clearly has considerable talent for self-preservation.
I cant imagine why any row, no matter how big, would prevent you from acting in your own very urgent interests. Do not delay further.

Hear, hear

Never mind all these jibs which need to be done. Focus all your energy on getting DB out of the house for good.
Frankly, a bloody great row might be what you all need. He is abusing you, and if other family members think you should put up with this because he has made himself a lousy prospect as a renter, then screw the lot of them. It is not and should not be your problem. If anything, they should be fighting on your side, given your precarious circs.
Whatever the hell he is doing in the garden needs to stop and you need the indoor locks freed up, and the outer door locks changed.

I’d be so angry by now that I’d give a very, very short notice to him (a few days max) after which period I really would dump his gear outside and lock him out, with the police aware/ reminded of your previous dealings with them regarding him.
Let him impose on his ex wife, or another flipping sibling.

He can find a space on which to sleep. THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM!
He has a house, that is the long and the short of it. He is not homeless.
I’m damned if I’d give him until the end of September to get out. Nowhere near that; this weekend would be my max offer, tbh.
He has a house, I repeat. He can bloody well squat there after making your little home a tip for you. Use your anger!

I’ve no advice on the matter in hand but I think you should give up your crap NHS job and write books because you’ve got a fabulous must-carry-on-reading style even with the dry topic of the ghastly brother.

You’re an author waiting to happen.

I hope you get the living situation sorted xxxx

Changing the locks would cause a massive row? Choose your hard.

You need to decide what you actually want, and make it happen. There is no perfect solution, you've got to decide which way you're going, stop being so passive and start driving things.

You might be in a difficult position but you can either sit in it indefinitely or choose the least worst way out.

My useless HND was in print journalism

On a course not recognised by the NUJ so I was still unemployable after getting it.

1. You are not going to persuade him to leave.
2. This won't end amicably, whatever you do.

In light of the above, you need to boot him out. Nothing is going to get better until you do. Stop listening to that batty person who said he's got an interest in your home, doing a few DIY bits here and there does not mean shit. If he's not named on the deeds, mortgage or tenancy agreement then he has NO legal rights. Stop listening to HIM gaslighting the fuck out of you saying he's got a claim on your home. He does not.

Tell him he's trespassing and if he doesn't leave immediately you'll call the police. Then when they arrive tell THEM it's your home, you live alone and he won't go.

Then change the locks and don't let him back in! You have an address for his stuff to be delivered to. Use it.

This is never going to end nicely. When he leaves the house, get an emergency locksmith and change all the locks. Do not let him in to collect anything, put it all outside.

He is using you, abusing you financially. If the rest of your family think that is ok, then you don't need them either. He can move in with one of them if they think he needs help so badly.

He could live in his shell of a house if he had to. People live on the street, at least he would have a roof over his head.

This will never end unless you take action yourself

Next time he is out, have the locks changed. Take back control of your life. If your other relatives aren't happy about it, so what? They can have him come and live with them.

Change the locks, put all his stuff in the garden so he can take it away, if he tries to break in call the Police.

He, and the rest of your "family" are shit anyway so you have nothing good to lose!

Change the locks and if he breaks in report him to the police for criminal damage. The police may agree to remove him but if he claims to have a legal right to live there they won't get involved. It's worth a shot though.

Failing that you might need a court order to get him out. You're just going to have to start the process.

You said he owns a property
If so he should live there

Change the locks on your property next time he is out

Put all his things outside your property

Do you have some male friends that can help you ?

Call police if he tries to enter your property again