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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want some time off from being 'mum'

98 replies

deglectedhousewife · 26/06/2008 20:12

Apparently (according to dp) I am not allowed to go out to see my friends or anywhere else (corner shop, hair appt etc etc) without taking the kids with me.
Apparently this is what I signed up for when I got pregnant.

OP posts:
Original poster
deglectedhousewife · 26/06/2008 20:29

big row not bog row

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 26/06/2008 20:30

crossed posts!! So, you can see he is a control freak. You don't want a row because he can get aggresive?? Need i say anymore? Is this what you want for your children?

BetteNoire · 26/06/2008 20:30

You're allowing him to act like a wanker.
Honestly, you need to speak to someone who can help you realise that your behaviour is part of the cycle.

peggotty · 26/06/2008 20:31

He certainly is a control freak -does he have any good points, are you happy with him in other ways?

LuckySalem · 26/06/2008 20:31

seriously... I don't know if i'm right or not and im sure someone will tell you but this sounds like my DP and when I started what I thought was a harmless ranting thread everyone pointed out how he was behaving like he was my dad (10 yrs older than me) and I was allowing it cos I thought that was how things were meant to be.

I'm sure this is the start of him being abusive. Its just not physical abuse its mental abuse.

Ask the babysitter if she'll watch them at her house?

rookiemater · 26/06/2008 20:31

Seriously, you have a babysitter organised. Please deglected ( good name btw) you have to do this. If you don't go, your new workmates are going to think you are either a bit standoffish for not going or only interested in your family.

Don't get into a row or confrontation,if you want to approach it without getting into a row, you could try it from the point of view of positive intent i.e. you can understand that he feels uncomfortable leaving the children with someone new but here are her references and she has babysat for xy and z. But at the end of the day you know that you have to do it.

Original poster
deglectedhousewife · 26/06/2008 20:34

Thanks guys. I will tell him he either has to sort something out and look after them himself or they are going to the babysitter (who is my friend and lives opposite me and he has met and she works in a nursery by day)

OP posts:
micci25 · 26/06/2008 20:35

he can get quite aggressive how? shouting screaming or worse? my dp can be agressive in the shouting and threatening way but he gets just as much back and seems to have given up after my major meltdown about two weeks ago! i think that he has finally realised that i can shout louder and swear more!!!

you really do need to stand upto him or just kick him out! if hes on shift work he wont know you are getting a babysitter. you should be his equal you are not his servant you are his partner!

StellaWasADiver · 26/06/2008 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
deglectedhousewife · 26/06/2008 20:38

Your reactions have suprised me because this is only a small aspect of his general behaviour. He is only slightly older than me but is very controlling. He can be violent and is very aggressive and I think if I told you all of what went on - well I couldn't imagine the swear words that would appear!!!

It is not that easy to get rid of him though

OP posts:
rookiemater · 26/06/2008 20:40

Great deglected, sounds like you know what you are doing.

From what you have said I wouldn't give him the option of sorting something out or looking after them himself, I think he will deliberately sabotage it given half a chance.

Enjoy your night out, it sounds like you deserve it.

peggotty · 26/06/2008 20:40

No it wouldn't be easy, but you could do it, you should do it for yourself. How is he with the children?

StellaWasADiver · 26/06/2008 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lucyellensmum · 26/06/2008 20:43

Get rid of him, for your childrens sake, even if, he doesnt ever God forbid, lay a hand on them they will grow up watching him grind you into the ground. They and you, deserve better - does anyone have any womens refuge numbers to give this lady?

StellaWasADiver · 26/06/2008 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuckySalem · 26/06/2008 20:45

Ok until I read violent I was all for saying that he just needs a kick up the arse and you don't need to get rid but violence is something that really needs to be worked on - especially if it has been more than once.

You and your children are being abused by this man (even if he doesn't actually do anything to the kids)

Twelvelegs · 26/06/2008 20:46

Get rid of him, Why oh why oh why would you stay????????????????

Kimi · 26/06/2008 20:46

Take the kids with you to the divorce lawyer ASAP.

micci25 · 26/06/2008 20:48

it is that easy wait untill he goes out to work and change the locks!!! whose name is the house in? if its his wait untill he goes out pack the dcs up and go to your friends/familys please do not stay!

my parents had a violent relationship and itr effected me and my sisters greatly. please please leave before it is too late!!

NotDoingTheHousework · 26/06/2008 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
deglectedhousewife · 26/06/2008 20:51

I don't wanto go to a refuge. He is on his last chance and he knows it. I have told him that if lays a finger on me again or shouts at me in front of the kids he is out. He is supposed to be getting a place with his mate once his mate sorts a out a new job and has some money - as you can see it starts getting complicated.
I am hanging in there until he blows up again and I can demand that he leaves but he knows that and so I think he is trying to control me in other ways.
I go to work and send the kids to school/childminder while he sits at home and works in the evenings. Soon I start full time and will have more money so won't need his income.
So, all in all, I am working on it. In the meantime I want to go out and get wasted and have a laugh and a dance. (He will go to all the pubs on Saturday and ask the staff if they saw me and what I was doing though)

OP posts:
micci25 · 26/06/2008 20:52

demand that he leaves now! yo know that it is going to happen again it always does!!! change the locks or leave the house!

dont you have any family you could go to?

NotDoingTheHousework · 26/06/2008 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

micci25 · 26/06/2008 20:54

or one of your dcs walk in to find him about to beat you over the head with a chair!! and stop just before he kills you? do you want them to see that?

nervousal · 26/06/2008 20:55

You are right to plan how you will leave him - as long as you really go through with it. Women's aid will help - they won't just send you to a refuge, they can give lots of practical advice about how to sort out your finances, your legal rights etc etc. Most importantly they can advise you on how to stay safe and keep your kids safe. Good luckxx