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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL dilemma on holiday

160 replies

FastRedExpert · 02/08/2026 20:19

To not agree with letting a 11 month old cry for 20 minutes in a strange place because he’s being sleep trained?

OP posts:
Happytaytos · 03/08/2026 22:32

Sleepytimepleaseee · 03/08/2026 22:04

You have to tell yourself this because the stark truth is you weren't there for your child when they needed you, and were distraught. For multiple nights. Until they gave up expecting you to come and care for them, and went silent instead. Accepting that you put a child through that would be too much for any caring parent, so you have to tell yourself it wasn't cruel and that you did it because you had no other choice. You did, it just wasn't a choice you wanted to make. We are all tired. We just make different choices, and sleep training is not one that I, and plenty of other people, will ever be prepared to make.

Congratulations, another better person than me. Would you like your medal now?

Fwiw it prevented a MH inpatient referral so I am pretty satisfied that sleep training was for the best for everyone.

Ansells · 03/08/2026 22:33

Happytaytos · 03/08/2026 22:31

You're obviously a better pseron than me. Congratulations.

I didn’t say that. I just challenged your viewpoint that anyone who finds the practice cruel does not understand or has not had bad sleepers.

saraclara · 03/08/2026 22:35

FastRedExpert · 03/08/2026 20:29

Yes I’m the MIL and yes I left. I couldn’t stay.

You left the accommodation, or left the holiday?

Franjipanl8r · 03/08/2026 23:59

Can you not talk to your son about it?

McSpoot · 04/08/2026 00:02

I find it interesting that this is framed as a MIL dilemma. Unless your child (I assume son) is not on holiday with you? Or he also disagrees with sleep training?

Sensiblesal · 04/08/2026 00:40

Happytaytos · 03/08/2026 21:59

It isn't. What is cruel is having to work full time on broken sleep and trying to function. What is cruel is haraguing mother's online for their choices that are best for the whole family. What is cruel is judging people when you have not walked a step in their shoes.

3 days of crying for a few minutes before sleep isn't cruel.

Don’t have babies then

OneNewEagle · 04/08/2026 00:41

FastRedExpert · 03/08/2026 20:29

Yes I’m the MIL and yes I left. I couldn’t stay.

I would not have been able to take it. I would have picked them up. I come from a massive family, if I hear a little one crying it’s because they need something like a cuddle, food or change.

Are you related through to your grandchild through your son or daughter?

not really relevant but I was emotionally neglected as a child I was the quiet shy reserved kid always trying my hardest to please as I learnt from my cot that screaming the house down got me nothing. I was never cuddled. So no for me a screaming baby is too much like my childhood.

Blodyneighbour · 04/08/2026 01:16

IMO babies only cry when they want feeding, are thirsty, cold, hot, nappy change and pain. Can't stand all this sleep training BS.

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/08/2026 01:25

I'm not against sleep training but doing it on holiday isn't a good idea. Have you come home or did you just leave the hotel? Probably for the best if you've gone home to be honest.

Yetone · 04/08/2026 02:58

2 of my grandchildren were sleep trained. They were not left to cry but when soothed no eye contact was made. Just gentle stroking in the dark. They have never been neglected. After a very short time they slept so well and continue to sleep well as young children. They fall asleep within 10 minutes of going to bed, usually reading. Their cousins ( my other grandchildren) were not sleep trained and as young children they take much longer to go to sleep in the evening. This may just be a coincidence.
I don’t think a holiday is a good time to start but it may be the only time that both parents can operate as a team.
Years ago, when the NHS had more money, I mentioned to the health visitor that my 2 year old wouldn’t go to sleep and kept getting out of bed. The health visitor sent a child phycologist, who specialised in sleep, to my house. The advice was just to keep putting them back to bed with no soothing or eye contact. She said I would have 2 bad nights and then it would be fine. She said to start on Friday evening because my husband and I would not get much sleep for 2 nights. She was right. I had to put my child back to bed about 50 times the first night and about 30 times the next night. After that peace.

Mulledjuice · 04/08/2026 03:09

RedRock41 · 03/08/2026 22:15

I used to do counting. Wake up first time count to 30 then gently and slowly stroke back of their neck few times. Next time count to 60, then 120 and so on repeat. Means they slowly get used to self soothing and were asleep before a gap of 20 minutes. That would have been hard even at home.

Can you help me understand how this works - so you work in increments of 30 seconds up to 20 minutes before you stroke their neck?

canklesmctacotits · 04/08/2026 03:15

Lol - this has resurrected a long forgotten memory of my Mum telling me she couldn’t bear listening to my DD “cry it out” as a baby, conveniently forgetting that she used to tell us all the time that that’s what they did with us as babies 😂. (I didn’t cry it out as people on here understand it. I sat outside her room on the floor for ages; being her mother I knew what was a distressed cry and what was an overtired whining cry, the best remedy for which was sleep which she wouldn’t succumb to if I were in the room. My mum didn’t know the difference. DD had blossomed into a sleeping trooper who can put any teenager to shame now 😂)

I know a mum of 4 who saw nothing with saying she lit each of her babies down and switched on a white noise machine…in her room so she wouldn’t have to hear them cry 😭

CypressGrove · 04/08/2026 03:33

Ansells · 03/08/2026 22:27

I have one awful sleeper and one so so sleeper. My now 5 year old woke up every hour until he was two years old, then slowly increased to every 90 mins, etc. Now, it’s still 2-3 times a night.

My younger one wakes once or twice a night several times a week.

And I also work and have a very demanding job.

So I have walked in your shoes. Still didn’t sleep train. Still think it’s cruel and barbaric to teach your child you won’t respond to their needs.

I won’t judge you for doing what you believed you had to do (though do question how any mother can leave their child to cry and not respond), but I won’t accept that it’s the only way and that anyone who disagrees with sleep training hasn’t dealt with years of extreme sleep deprivation.

I think it's cruel to keep children chronically sleep deprived. My DS was around 12 months old when we sleep trained and he went from a fairly cranky baby to a much happier baby in a couple of days, so either he thrived on neglect or he just needed to learn how to sleep better.

JustMyView13 · 04/08/2026 03:52

Sensiblesal · 04/08/2026 00:40

Don’t have babies then

What a strange reply.
Plenty of women are choosing not to have babies, why do you think the birth rate is declining. Childless women also get stick for that too.

pepperminticecream · 04/08/2026 03:58

I think people sometimes forget that mum's sleep matters too. Chronic sleep deprivation isn't just being tired. t's linked to higher rates of postpartum depression and anxiety, poorer mental health, and even safety issues from sheer exhaustion.

We've had two very different experiences. With one child, we sleep trained once they were old enough. We'd make sure every need was met, put them to bed, when they cried we went in, give them a little pat on the back, say, "Mummy and Daddy love you," and would repeat. It took two nights. After that they slept through (apart from when they were ill or genuinely needed us). If they cried after that, we could usually tell the difference between them briefly waking between sleep cycles and actually needing our help.

Our other child was completely different. We had them on a consistent feeding and sleep routine from birth, and they started sleeping through on their own at just a few weeks old. No formal sleep training needed.

So I don't think there's one "right" way. Every child is different. But I do think parents should be able to choose an approach that works for their family without being made to feel guilty. A well-rested parent is a more patient, present parent, and that's good for children too.

pepperminticecream · 04/08/2026 04:05

Blodyneighbour · 04/08/2026 01:16

IMO babies only cry when they want feeding, are thirsty, cold, hot, nappy change and pain. Can't stand all this sleep training BS.

This is wrong and not backed by science. Babies do cry for your stated reasons, they will also cry when they naturally wake or partially wake between sleep cycles, and not every awakening signals hunger, pain, or another unmet need.

The trick is making sure baby has their needs met/knowing your baby well enough to know why they are crying.

Waitingforgod26 · 04/08/2026 05:09

Happytaytos · 03/08/2026 21:52

Can we stop with the "sleep training is cruel" bollocks?

Sleep training saved me, my child and my family. It made me a far better parent in 3 days because I was rested and not being woken up every hour while working full time.

Yes it's not nice to listen to but the odds are baby is grizzling more than outright balling.

yep. this. These people are idiotic, as is the mil. Glad she left instead of trying to interfere further.

sittingonabeach · 04/08/2026 06:07

Surely you are DM as well as MIL.

SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut · 04/08/2026 06:14

DeniseSecunda1 · 02/08/2026 21:05

A baby literally does not have the part of the brain that can regulate its emotions developed yet. Letting them cry is not teaching them anything other than that they are not secure. This cruel and demented sleep “training” is the start of insecure attachment later in life. So ignorant and nasty. Don’t fucking do it. If your MIL thinks it’s ok, tell her to mind her own business and ignore her stupid ass. It’s not her choice.

Edited

Agree.

TerfOnATrain · 04/08/2026 06:50

I never left any of my children or grandchildren to cry. I don’t believe other mammals do, you wouldn’t see a cat leave a kitten to cry, she would go and get the kitten and carry it back close to her. Most mammals do this instinctively. I know we’re not cats, before anyone says something stupid like that, but from an evolutionary perspective I don’t think it’s normal not to collect, reassure and nurture a tiny infant when they are communicating in the only way they can.

SapphireSeptember · 04/08/2026 06:52

I did 'sleep training' with DS when he was around two months old, after we moved to our new flat. Before that we were living in a studio flat and were co sleeping. Bottle, bath, and bedtime. I'd rock him to sleep and sing to him, put him in his cot and scarper. If he cried I'd go in and give him a cuddle, calm him down and pop him back in his cot, but that only happened a few times. He's been a good sleeper since then, barring the odd night because of teething, illness, heatwaves, and getting his leg stuck in his cot. It's very jarring hearing him cry as a toddler at night, so I definitely know something is up! The waking up crying because it was so hot was a few weeks ago and his leg getting stuck was last week.

These days he just shouts for me if he wants me (although he's not saying any words.)

PermanentTemporary · 04/08/2026 06:55

Sleep training can be ok in my book.

Sleep training on holiday is cruel and stupid.

Blodyneighbour · 04/08/2026 06:59

pepperminticecream · 04/08/2026 04:05

This is wrong and not backed by science. Babies do cry for your stated reasons, they will also cry when they naturally wake or partially wake between sleep cycles, and not every awakening signals hunger, pain, or another unmet need.

The trick is making sure baby has their needs met/knowing your baby well enough to know why they are crying.

Backed by science? I think it should be backed on instinct. I hate it when babies are left to cry for that long.

darkandgloomy · 04/08/2026 07:22

When babies cry it's a form of communication and an unmet need. It could be because they are hungry, thirsty, wet, have a soiled nappy, dummy has fallen out, scared, in an unfamiliar place. Our job is to work out why they are crying. I think it's cruel to leave babies crying for 20 minutes.

FoldItIn · 04/08/2026 07:23

I think people who don't sleep train are cruel. Children need sleep. It is vital for brain development, growth and so much more.
I think in the era of gentle parenting many people have forgotten that and it is a huge part of the reason we have seen a shocking decline in behaviour and well, normal child development in recent years.
Babies/Children need sleep as much as they need food and water.