MIL dilemma on holiday

[FastRedExpert]

To not agree with letting a 11 month old cry for 20 minutes in a strange place because he’s being sleep trained?

Sleep training on holiday does not sound like a good idea but I don’t know what your MIL said

I would have hoped I had taught my children better than to sleep train. Good on your MIL (I have an awful MIL) for her objections- she sounds like a good egg!

Cry it out sleep training is cruel. There are studies that show how it negatively affects babies. All they learn is that no one cares and no one will come.

I used to feed change and cuddle my babies and put then to bed and leave them to it to self settle. Hardly barbaric. They are all loving loveable adults. I dont think id have done it on holiday in an unfamiliar envireonment though

Agree with this I never let mine cry but then they were excellent sleepers….was this because I didn’t let them cry??

Sleep training like that is just neglect that causes stress. Enough stress and neglect makes babies quiet if that’s what you’re trying to achieve? All the babies found in Romanian orphanages in the 90s were very quiet.

Yes I’m the MIL and yes I left. I couldn’t stay.

Sleep training is cruel. As an adult if I cried and cried and no one came I definitely wouldn't feel ok, I would probably go to sleep because I was exhausted from crying and be very very upset the next day. Bad for an adult, horrid for a baby.

I really feel for you. I think the MIL / DIL relationship can be such a difficult one, especially if you disagree with parenting styles and decisions. My kids are teenagers so I’m yet to be a MIL, but I’ve observed many a tricky mil / dil relationship. I think the maternal grandmother can often give advice without damaging the relationship, but often not the paternal grandmother (if I’ve described those relationships correctly!!). It’s not fair but it’s true in many cases. My son was not a big crier but my daughter cried a lot and just wanted to be held by me the whole time. I didn’t leave her to cry. She turned out very well and we adore each other.

Can we stop with the "sleep training is cruel" bollocks?

Sleep training saved me, my child and my family. It made me a far better parent in 3 days because I was rested and not being woken up every hour while working full time.

Yes it's not nice to listen to but the odds are baby is grizzling more than outright balling.

Yeah you tell yourself that

I hate parents leaving their dc to cry. It would have made me very uncomfortable too.

Well it is cruel

I think it's a bit cruel too. Babies don't have the capacity to understand sleep training, they just know that they want comfort and none is given to them.

I am with you. I couldn’t listen to such cruelty either.

It isn't. What is cruel is having to work full time on broken sleep and trying to function. What is cruel is haraguing mother's online for their choices that are best for the whole family. What is cruel is judging people when you have not walked a step in their shoes.

3 days of crying for a few minutes before sleep isn't cruel.

You have to tell yourself this because the stark truth is you weren't there for your child when they needed you, and were distraught. For multiple nights. Until they gave up expecting you to come and care for them, and went silent instead. Accepting that you put a child through that would be too much for any caring parent, so you have to tell yourself it wasn't cruel and that you did it because you had no other choice. You did, it just wasn't a choice you wanted to make. We are all tired. We just make different choices, and sleep training is not one that I, and plenty of other people, will ever be prepared to make.

I used to do counting. Wake up first time count to 30 then gently and slowly stroke back of their neck few times. Next time count to 60, then 120 and so on repeat. Means they slowly get used to self soothing and were asleep before a gap of 20 minutes. That would have been hard even at home.

Totally this.

There’s a huge difference between trying to sleep train a tiny baby and an older one. My first was still waking every hour to feed at around 14 months - two nights of sleep training and she slept through the night. With DC 2 and 3 I did it a bit earlier. Mine were EBF and we co slept for first 6 months or so. I think you are being unreasonable OP.

It's not something I'd 'agree' with for my own child, but it doesn't cross the line to abuse so I'd keep my opinions to myself if another parent was doing it.

I have one awful sleeper and one so so sleeper. My now 5 year old woke up every hour until he was two years old, then slowly increased to every 90 mins, etc. Now, it’s still 2-3 times a night.

My younger one wakes once or twice a night several times a week.

And I also work and have a very demanding job.

So I have walked in your shoes. Still didn’t sleep train. Still think it’s cruel and barbaric to teach your child you won’t respond to their needs.

I won’t judge you for doing what you believed you had to do (though do question how any mother can leave their child to cry and not respond), but I won’t accept that it’s the only way and that anyone who disagrees with sleep training hasn’t dealt with years of extreme sleep deprivation.

If that choice prevents a parent having a mental breakdown and being unable to cope, it's a sensible choice.

I agree with you. 20 mins is too long. How cruel.

You're obviously a better pseron than me. Congratulations.