AIBU to find a self-catering family holiday more stressful than relaxing?

[ProfessionalDaydreamer]

We’re currently away in a self-catering cottage on the south west coast and if I’m honest I’m finding it really stressful.
I feel a bit guilty saying it because we’re lucky to be here and I know we should be enjoying it, but it just hasn’t felt like much of a break.

There are quite a few adults here, plus my 7-year-old DS and 2-year-old DN and I think the combination of lots of people, different routines, noise, decisions about what we’re doing, meals, shopping, and trying to keep everyone happy is getting to me.
It’s also been so busy everywhere due to being the summer holidays too.
It also feels like it’s been one thing after another since we arrived - travel stress, unexpected problems, and now my son being sick today (although thankfully he seems much better now and is acting normally again).
I feel like I’ve been in “problem-solving mode” rather than actually relaxing. Plus all the cleaning and preparing food and no down time.

I love my family and I do appreciate the holiday, but I’m finding myself craving some quiet time and feeling a bit overwhelmed by the constant togetherness.

Does anyone else find self-catering holidays with extended family harder work than they expected? Or am I just being ungrateful and should be enjoying it more?

I agree, which is why I now often book a hotel rather than self catering. It was better to do self catering with young kids (though I wouldn’t share a space with another family), but now don’t want to cook or clean while on holiday.

I've never understood people who seem to think self catering means endless cooking, cleaning and bed stripping.

I've never stripped a holiday bed. Apart from heating some ready made tortilla or opening a bag of crisps, I've never cooked anything. Washing a few plates, cups, glasses etc takes no time at all. What else is there to do?

Meanwhile in a hotel room, you've far less space, you have to get dressed properly for breakfast and it takes more effort to unmake beds they've made than it does to just pull the duvet up and down yourself.

Strong ground rules including the people who normally cook and shop don’t do anything like that. Down tools.

also if you are normally the organiser - again strong ground rules - Monday XXX chosen activities, Tuesday YYY ( kids can be involved too if old enough - rules basically that you shouldn’t chose something one person might absolutely hate unless they can easily do something else, and everyone has to try and enjoy the other people’s days . the person most likely to kick off gets to chose last do that they lose their choice if they have behaved poorly - especially if they cause someone’s plans to be changed - becuase that became their choice

i find cottages stressful - it’s just like home having to clean the kitchen and everything

but just been camping 10 days and found that so chill

have minimal stuff

and just cook basic fire pit/bbq meals and pastas for the kids - cereals etc for brekkie

it’s been easy as we just have a tiny bowl of washing up!

I like it but I also allow myself to let all standards slip massively when it comes to diet and presentation.

im absolutely fine with pastries, pop tarts or cereal variety packs for breakfast every day, DD had frozen microwave jacket potatoes for breakfast some days on our last holiday because it’s what she wanted and we had some in the freezer.

i buy a big pack of paper plates and foil cooking trays so no washing up. Lunch is fresh bread, sandwich meats, presliced cheese, pre-prepped fruit and veg.

Generally dinner is eaten out or delivered.

Yeah I’m not prepared to make so much as a plate of toast on my holiday to be honest.

And I can’t think of anything worse than staying somewhere that has fewer standards for cleanliness, fewer amenities and a thousand rules. I’d rather stay in the local Premier Inn.

Your mistake is going with extended family. It's always going to be more stressful accommodating different routines, expectations etc.

I find self catering holidays for just our family a lot more relaxing than hotels. We do it strictly on the basis that cooking will be minimal, so we have a lot of takeaways, ready-made meals, sandwiches, pasties and pies. We also go out to restaurants. It's much nicer having a whole house to relax in rather than being stuck in hotel rooms, and not having to keep to hotel mealtimes, worry about getting in the maids' way etc etc.

What self catering cottages have a thousand rules? Sure, they have requests around separating the recycling, letting them know if you break anything, leaving the place reasonably civilised etc but those are common sense and many also apply in hotels.

It certainly sounds like you are having a stressful time. You need some ground rules.

In our self catering holidays

• everyone contributes to the cooking and cleaning but those who do the most cooking and cleaning in "normal" life do the least while we are on holiday, and vice versa
• we eat out at restaurants and pubs at least once every 2 or 3 days
• we don't over-schedule fun things to do - we make space to just chill and do nothing
• we don't do too many activities that are a car-drive away from the accommodation, we make sure there are some days we don't use the car at all
• when we are cooking, we keep it simple, using pre-prepared things as much as possible depending where we are and what is available.
• we do not rent s/c accommodation that doesn't have a dishwasher.

I find non self-catering holidays incredibly stressful because I have neurodiverse DC with very limited ranges of "accepted" foods and if we aren't s/c it takes enormous effort to find ways to get them anything other than chips, and it's so difficult to find places to eat that are quiet and not over-stimulating

Why are you doing most of the work? You don't have to accept this.

No to extended family! But we find self-catering so freeing.

For example, half the family are still asleep now. I’m having coffee, watching tv, and will put a bunch of bacon on soon. Bacon sandwiches (as big or small as they want) for brunch whenever anyone is ready. Yesterday we made a massive roast (chicken and gammon) that slow cooked while we were at the beach. For us, sleep is soooo important. Being able to eat as much as we like at the time that we like helps us go about the day in a leisure fashion.

It doesn’t mean we won’t eat out - we had local fish n chips of course😁 ! It just makes it so it’s our choice how we would like to play the day.

Edit to add: Brilliant point someone made about the space. We’re currently in a 4 bed detached and everyone has their own room. We have a large lounge area and kitchen, small garden, sea view. It would feel so claustrophobic in a hotel by comparison. Love being able to spread out.

YANBU. Self catering, if you eat in most meals, is very stressful and hard work. And holidaying with multiple people of different generations is also hard work. We did a week's holiday with my family last summer - all of us in a villa - three generations and I needed a holiday after it to recover! Seriously, it was exhausting.

I get myself out for a solo walk or walk with just my DC every day when away with extended family or friends. No one has ever seemed offended by it. I need time to decompress. Take some time for yourself to do the same.
With lots of adults you should not be feeling stress over the cooking and cleaning either, maybe set a plan for people taking it in turns.

When I have been away with big family group we have organised it that each family takes a day for being responsible for the main meal for everyone - they tended to go out and choose food and cook as a family on their day and make it their project.

Breakfasts were dip in to cereal, croissants etc, and each family was responsible for sorting their own lunches - usually rolls and fruit.

After any shopping, receipts would be put in a bowl and sorted out on the last day so it was fair.

Self catering can be great when it’s just your own household.

Add in others and then it becomes hectic.

Don’t do it with extended family.

This is why I've stuck to my guns this weekend and insisting on an all inclusive wtih a big group next year .... most of them prefer self catering villas, and I prob do as well in a couple/small group, but not in a large group.

I don't want to be thinking about mealtimes, where to go, washing up/dishwasher. It won't be split evenly and will cause resentment. Also getting rounds in bars/paying for food. There's always someone who doesn't pay their way properly.

All inclusive, a good one, is the way forward. If people still want to go out for meals/drinks they can crack on.

Yes, IMO it’s quite claustrophobic being confined to one room in a hotel. There’s never a sensible sofa or comfy chair, so you end up perched on the bed like teenagers. And I resent having to have breakfast between certain times (although I admit I do love a hotel buffet breakfast, especially the cheeses/breads/good coffee kind you often get in Northern Europe).
I hardly cook when I stay in an Airbnb. DP will do things like filled pasta with salad leaves, or we eat out cheaply (pizza or street stalls). For lunch we usually eat out or buy bread, cheese, fruit etc and have a picnic. It’s just nice and relaxing to know you CAN knock up your own food if you need to, and make coffee in the mornings, and keep things in the fridge.
I have also never stripped an Airbnb bed. Although it wouldn’t be particularly onerous if someone did ask me to.

I would never go away in a large group but love self catering in a fab place. Never settle for less than you have at home!
We eat out or have cheese/ charcuterie. Much more relaxing than a hotel for me.

It totally depends. A friend of mine her family are all foodies - prepping food together would be a huge high point of the holiday for them. We, on the other hand, eat ready meals or eat out!

Is there scope for you to peel off as a family and do your own thing?

You only need to look on forums and ask around your own circle to know that. I don’t understand why you are pretending to not know what I mean. I’ve known people turn up to a cottage they have paid for to find rules ranging from when they are “allowed” to turn on the central heating through to which cupboards they are “allowed” to use. Cottages with bound rule books and signs taped up everywhere.

And in the early days of Airbnb when it was cheaper than a hotel stay then you could suck it up, but nowadays they often cost more.

Me either. I would rather not go on holiday that do a self catering.
going to cook somewhere else and even more grim cleaning. It’s the same thing as you’re doing at home.
my meals sorted and a lovely variety and my room cleaned is a proper holiday. I also like eating new and different foods instead of cooking my same food.
we have done it once with friends but we all agreed that never again

We rarely do self catering, because it means doing the same drudgery at home just in different house. I know you can eat out and everyone should muck in etc, but generally they don't. I don't want to clear up dishes and make sure the lounge is tidy, I'm on holiday!

I honestly have never seen anywhere like that. We don't stay anywhere fancy either.

I don't tidy up on holiday either. Things just get left wherever and it doesn't matter because we're always out and about or relaxing outside. And anyway, you're leaving in a few days and will pack your stuff up then.

I do enjoy extended family self catering holidays with family, (only happens every few years), but there are caveats! I like more or less being in charge (with one of my siblings), it's where others make all the decisions that I want to rebel! Our family now consists only of grown ups but the 'children' still act as children, so we can mainly ignore their idiosyncracies as they can look after themselves (e.g deciding not to come on trips or to go elsewhere for the day etc). Overall though, there is more tension and conflict than if it's just our little family.

I think it's OK to split up or take time for yourself though, when you can. Being in a large group for days isn't easy and other adults should muck in with some parenting.

Exactly! And to all the PPs saying “create a chore list” etc., who wants to be the chore police on holiday? I don’t want to spend my time totting up how much the shopping cost or checking whose turn it is to do the dishes. Not to mention the extra work it takes to take all the food and toiletries etc. with you.