To think my age gap / sugar baby relationship is nobody else’s business?

[spicysugarbb]

AIBU to think people are being hypocritical about my relationship?

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

I’m 29. Until last year I worked in an office job earning just under £100k. I wasn’t struggling, but equally I wasn’t exactly living the life I wanted either.

About 18 months ago I met a man in his early 60s. He’s very wealthy. Before anyone asks, yes, this is essentially a sugar relationship.

He pays my rent, gives me a monthly allowance, takes me on holidays, buys me lovely gifts etc. In return, we spend time together, go out for dinner, weekends away and yes, we have sex.

The thing is, it isn’t as transactional as people imagine. We do the whole “love you” thing, kiss goodbye, hold hands, cuddle on the sofa and so on. But I honestly think we’re both cynical enough to understand exactly what we’re doing. I know I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t wealthy. Equally, I doubt he’d have pursued me if I were his age. It sounds awful written down, but it feels strangely honest.

We’re genuinely fond of each other and enjoy each other’s company, we make each other laugh, we’ll happily spend hours talking over dinner, watch films together, i look forward to his messages during the day, but neither of us is pretending it’s some sweeping romance.

The issue is his family.

He has children who are roughly my age. They’re polite enough to my face, but I know they judge me. I completely understand why they might. From their perspective I’m probably just some gold-digger waiting for their inheritance - despite the fact there’s a will to ensure I get nothing. But equally, they’re all financially comfortable because of him, so I do wonder whether they’re judging me for benefiting from his money while being perfectly happy to benefit themselves.

A friend also found out recently and was horrified. She said I was “selling myself” and couldn’t understand how I could live like this.

I don’t really see it that way. Plenty of people marry primarily for money or status and convince themselves it’s love. At least we’re honest with ourselves.

So… AIBU to think it’s nobody else’s business, as long as we’re both consenting adults who know exactly what the arrangement is? Or is everyone else right and I’m kidding myself?

I thought you wished kids though?

you need to decide, is it prostitution or a real relationship and children, as this arrangement is not a real relationship where you settle down and have babies, you know this, if you wish this, you need a legit career, to meet a man who wants to share a future with you

you seem really confused on one hand you accept it for what it is, in the next you seem to think you can make a life of this won’t age out of it and he, or someone else will pay for you to have babies. That won’t ever happen. They are looking for someone young and with no commitments. Not nappies and school runs.

Yes read her posts, she’s unemployed, he gives her an allowance and plays for her accommodation.

You do know that packets of foodstuff have a “best before” date stamped on them?

Do sugar daddies not mind if their pretty little things have yellow stickers?

Yes, but you're not going to have kids with older men like him. So where are you going to find a father to pay enough for the lifestyle you want while continuing to have your sugar daddy pay your rent, etc.?

I don’t see how your current situation takes you towards a future in which you have children, stay rich, don’t have to work so you’re trying to cram it all in. Surely like this you’re spending the years when most people start their families with a man who you aren’t going marry, won’t/can’t have kids with and will soon be elderly. Seems like your chances of meeting a man for marriage and fatherhood are going to be very limited while you carry on.

Office job paying 100k, and you still couldn't manage on that huge amount of money?

No chance.

@spicysugarbb

You're deluded if you think people are not going to judge. That is a HUGE age gap. He's old enough to be your grandad. And you are clearly someone who is quite braggy and smug about having a sugar daddy. So of course people will be like 🙄

And as for your username. 🙄

.

Hmm not sure about this as a long term plan.

First, a lot of this type of men want to be with someone in their 20s. Possibly for ego reasons, possibly because they think a 30+ woman will want marriage and babies. As a 30 something you cannot expect to have the same opportunities, however good you look.

Also, these men are reluctant to hand over large amounts of value. As you have seen, your current man is keeping you out of his will. What makes you think you’ll get a house out of him? Jewellery maybe but not enough to make a significant difference to your life or mean you don’t need to work hard to have a nice life.

TBH, even if you were gifted a house or nice flat, you’ll still have to earn a fair bit if you want the kind of life you describe (housekeepers etc).

If it goes on for 10-20 years you’ll have passed your time for having kids. And he’ll be 70-80. Is that a good outcome for you? At what point would you walk away if you haven’t been gifted a house yet?

As pp say you are using up the years that women usually build their career, find a life partner, maybe consider future kids. There is a significant risk you will find yourself in your mid 30s or late 30s single without a career or relationship or much in the way of assets from these sugar baby years. That’s fine if you are aware of that and still think it’s worth it to have the luxuries now, but don’t kid yourself one of these guys is going to wave you off with a massive cheque.

That's absolutely nuts if so.

She's relatively 'old' for a 'sugar baby' (ugh). This guy will move onto someone else within 5 years. And where does that leave her? They're not married so she'll have no rights to his money. And if she gave up a high paying job to be at this guy's beck and call, she's going to have a hard time getting her career back.

That, of course, is assuming any of this story is true. And maybe we shouldn't assume.

If you're happy then fine. But personally I think you are deluding yourself. If this ends you will just "find" another rich man?

no harm, no foul @spicysugarbb

"Plenty of people marry primarily for money or status"

Have you discussed marriage?

Honestly, you do you, but you can't be surprised if people judge and his kids don't love the arrangement.

I find it a very off that he's sleeping with someone the same age as his daughters.

I also don't like that it maintains patriarchal values as mentioned above, but other than that if you truly know what you're getting into and all the pitfalls as well as the benefits, then fair enough.
Do you have money set aside for paying bills etc if he suddenly died or ended the relationship

Is your father alive and what is your relationship? When my DF was widowed I didn't want him to be lonely but would have been very sad if he bought companionship like this.

Presumably this is a temporary situation and you don't intend to stay with him as he ages? You don't say anything about love, or children with him or your own long term goals in life other than getting money in the here and now.

A man’s ability to provide, make life easier, be generous and create experiences together…

This just feels so bleak. I have a DD, I want for her the ability to do all these things herself, independently of anyone else, and find a lovely man or lady she can share it all with.

29 can feel like you have the world at your feet but when the gloriousness of youth starts to fade, what happens then.

This post says more about you than it does OP.

He's not going to marry her! 😆

People are often judgmental of prostitutes. Which is basically what you are doing.

If its a legal, consensual arrangement where no one is being exploited or harmed and you both know exactly what you are giving and gaining out of this then it's not anyone's business.

But don't expect his family or society to be kind about it.

Yeah, I thought that.

I think you need to make your mind up.

Stay with your much older man, do nice things but have nothing to show for it.

Or, join the rest of us in wiping bums and doing school runs.

You may get to wipe a bum if you stay with him. But trips to the playground and bedtime stories are probably out.

My office job pays more than that. I’m an accountant. I have unqualified colleagues who get paid the same as I do (they’re effectively qualified by experience rather than exams).

I’m 40 and couldn’t imagine having sex with a 60 year old. Does he look 60? There is obviously some celebs that are older that still look really attractive.

Are you essentially selling yourself? Yes. But both of you are happy and both of you are getting something out of it. If you were much younger I would have a different opinion.

Tbh yes I agree, OP isn't unreasonable to not want the nursery rush hour life, but she should have married someone from work 1-2 levels above her then nobly volunteered to step back from her career to support him in his goals blah blah.

This is what all my friends who are SAHM yummy mummies now did! (Not me sadly, I'm stuck with the nursery runs 😂)

29 is also an interesting age. People will call me unfeminist for saying it but 30 is almost the peak age for the above kind of relationship (he wants to see her prove herself in her career a bit) and 35 is basically on the shelf (Mr Someone-From-Work has now made partner and doesn't need to compromise on age/fertility). So OP should decide pretty quick on the kids front IMO.