To think my age gap / sugar baby relationship is nobody else’s business?

[spicysugarbb]

AIBU to think people are being hypocritical about my relationship?

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

I’m 29. Until last year I worked in an office job earning just under £100k. I wasn’t struggling, but equally I wasn’t exactly living the life I wanted either.

About 18 months ago I met a man in his early 60s. He’s very wealthy. Before anyone asks, yes, this is essentially a sugar relationship.

He pays my rent, gives me a monthly allowance, takes me on holidays, buys me lovely gifts etc. In return, we spend time together, go out for dinner, weekends away and yes, we have sex.

The thing is, it isn’t as transactional as people imagine. We do the whole “love you” thing, kiss goodbye, hold hands, cuddle on the sofa and so on. But I honestly think we’re both cynical enough to understand exactly what we’re doing. I know I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t wealthy. Equally, I doubt he’d have pursued me if I were his age. It sounds awful written down, but it feels strangely honest.

We’re genuinely fond of each other and enjoy each other’s company, we make each other laugh, we’ll happily spend hours talking over dinner, watch films together, i look forward to his messages during the day, but neither of us is pretending it’s some sweeping romance.

The issue is his family.

He has children who are roughly my age. They’re polite enough to my face, but I know they judge me. I completely understand why they might. From their perspective I’m probably just some gold-digger waiting for their inheritance - despite the fact there’s a will to ensure I get nothing. But equally, they’re all financially comfortable because of him, so I do wonder whether they’re judging me for benefiting from his money while being perfectly happy to benefit themselves.

A friend also found out recently and was horrified. She said I was “selling myself” and couldn’t understand how I could live like this.

I don’t really see it that way. Plenty of people marry primarily for money or status and convince themselves it’s love. At least we’re honest with ourselves.

So… AIBU to think it’s nobody else’s business, as long as we’re both consenting adults who know exactly what the arrangement is? Or is everyone else right and I’m kidding myself?

I mean you’re an adult this is your choice.

what do your family think?

have you given up your job or do you still work??

Plus, If he suddenly died -
could you afford your rent and bills??

If you were my daughter I’d be concerned about how you’d manage financially if you’d given up your job etc…. But also do you want a family of your own?? Are you giving this guy your most “fertile years” x

Lots of wealthy men provide for younger partners on death while ensuring ensuring kids take the most - so right to reside in a property for example and small allowance. It’s doable but he has to do it.

I'd rather you my brain than my body to fund my lifestyle but you do you.

I'd be fine with sex without connection but there's no chance in hell I would cope being dependent on a man for money or thinking he could buy me.

My mum was a prostutute isn't something your kids shpuld ever find out.

I think it's my business at a general/societal level because you're reinforcing the patriarchy, and that has an impact on all of us. I am definitely not an 'every choice made by a woman is a feminist choice, support women's choices yay go girl' liberal feminist.

And I would also wonder what model of relationships you'd been given in childhood and/or whether you'd experienced trauma, as you seem detached from parts of yourself.

I'd definitely judge him.

But at a personal level, if you're happy, I'd keep it to myself.

Poor you, I imagine life must have been a struggle on 100k a year. Of course being a kept women is the only option.

Everything else comes with the territory. You have to grow a thick skin - better get used to people not liking you/ judging you if you picked this path as a way forward.

All relationships are transactional to some extent. If you are both happy and getting what you want from the relationship that is what matters. It’s your life.

However you may find yourself financially vulnerable if this all ends. I can’t see why you can’t have a job and this relationship as well.

I think prostitution is fine if you both are consenting , I think dressing it up as “sugar baby” is a way to tell yourself it’s something it’s not. You are a prostitue and he knows it. His kids know it and you know it.of course they judge.

i am not with you on this though “But equally, they’re all financially comfortable because of him, so I do wonder whether they’re judging me for benefiting from his money while being perfectly happy to benefit themselves”

they are his children, most children benefit from their parents wealth. Mine do. It’s what families do, you are not his child, he does that as he loves them and wishes them to succeed. He pays you for a service, like his cleaner, or car technician.

on saying that though, I’d be very sad if it was my daughter, I’d want her to be with a man for love, and it’s not poor and handsome or rich and ugly. It’s sad you think these are the only options.

lol - most men regardless on how attractive they are - are not looking for an ex hooker to settle down with a fund 🤣

Any career that pays £100k by age 29 has high earning potential and means one would not need to sell themselves in the way OP has done, so I’m calling bullshit on that part of the story.

Everything else, if true, is no one else’s business so don’t tell them? I can’t think of why you told your friend(s) about any of this.

Make your bag and invest for the future while you can. Get yourself a good certified financial adviser and set yourself up for the future.

He's paying for companionship and you both know this and it's a consensual relationship. Look at things he buys you as investment. Say jewelry, big stones rather than cute pieces with lots of little stones. Do be prepared for him to get everything that's in his name back if this ends. If he's renting your place for you and it's on his name, have an exit fund ready.

No, his kids aren't going to like you. They know exactly why you're with him.

You're 29, so the truth is you're going to be aging out of the sugar baby role soon. Get a career plan in place and you might want to start some courses now.

Your current actions are taking you much further away from your stated goals. You're less likely to meet someone you want to procreate with, and actively harming your long term earning potential and financial security.

So on the off chance this is true, yes you're making shitty choices based on what you want.

if you want financial insecurity, no kids and to define your self worth by whether you can attract wealthy men, then you're doing everything right.

But he won’t have children with you op. That’s not what this is.

I don't have a view on your own relationship with him, but you might be interested in the perspective of someone who's in a somewhat similar place to your partner's kids.

My parents were the same age as each other, worked, rose their family. My mum died when we were older teens, sooner than any of us would have expected.

My dad found another partner, a woman perhaps 10 years younger than him - so not a sugar baby. However she lives in a luxury fashiony type town, in continental Europe, like Milan or Monaco, and is generally very "fancy" - she likes the good life. I think she too would find a 100k salary as a single person so ludicrously low and "not the life she wants" that she thinks it nothing but reasonable for someone else to pay her bills.

Her and my dad have had an absolute ball - he's retired, has been quite well off in his time, they have had fun, done cruises, casinos, generally lived it up. I am happy to see him happy.

However he is now ill and we are looking at his finances. He's burned through loads of money and has not much left. I don't expect an inheritance but I know he will leave a chunk of the remaining money such as it is to his partner. There will be almost nothing left of 30 years of absolute graft on the part of my parents.

The reason I am angry about this is not that I want his money - I don't, it's his - but more her inability to understand where the money came from and her sense of massive entitlement.

We were there when my mum got up at 5am to commute into the city while also raising us, and while dad worked late into the night on urgent contracts. We were there for the painstaking discussions at the kitchen table about whether to expand the business and take on more risk, work more hours, or take a lower risk path. We were there for things that went wrong and things that went right. We saw my parents as a team.

She on the other hand is very entitled, very dismissive of my parents' efforts, and because she has basically been a ligger all her life she has no sense of how hard won this all was.

She'll get my dad's money, of course, but I can't help feeling sad on behalf of my mum, and the younger version of my dad that I remember, who worked for their family and lived a true and meaningful partnership of equals. I feel the money is wasted on her as she has no sense of its value yet at the same time sees herself as a massive catch, only prioritises money, is disdainful of people less visibly well dressed as she is (read - covered with stupidly expensive high fashion brands). My attitude to her is basically "she can have it, but it's a bit rich to swank about so much when she didn't earn it, and her value system is fucked."

My father is much diminished in my eyes with his new found chasing of status, bling, showing off and fancy clothes. His shallow but flashy partner shows an unpleasantly shallow and misogynistic side to him. He's wasted the fruits of my parents' effort in their marriage. To me he is a less admirable man now in many ways.

Maybe your partner's family see him the same way, think less of him, and mourn that.

Maybe they also see you in this shallow situation and conclude that you are happy with an emotionally rather limited life.

Yes. I understand the whole transaction side of things but I am interested in how you feel about your fertile years possibly slipping by.

Nothings guaranteed of course but this would be a concern for me if I was your friend/family

X

Think the op has watched too much of the movie pretty woman. Of course he’s not looking to have babies and settle down with her.

she says they both know what this is, but it doesn’t sound like she does. She’s still romanticising it.

Disagree with this.
I work in an office (well, 2 days from home!) and earn considerably than that.

I find quite funny that people are so disbelieving of the £100k thing!

Out of all the women I know from various different social circles - only the ones with the £100k office jobs are the ones who could even plausibly pull this kind of thing off! I don't know any where it's someone in his 60s but several who have had relationships with older men generally. There has usually been an expectation of a certain level of "polish"... someone who will not embarrass you at the fancy dinner place...

So would everyone like that! But if you and a real partner can't make enough money to have that lifestyle, it's far more fun and rewarding ultimately to do the juggle with someone you love and make ends meet within a loving and loved family. Than have the resources but not the partner.

You are essentially selling yourself to him, but I honestly couldn’t bring myself to care. Unless somebody is being actively hurt, I just consider the other people’s relationships are nothing to do with me.

Well you’re a Tom and although I have no issues with that a lot of people do. My main issue would be the person with the money has the power, so your Sugar daddy can buy himself a new companion tomorrow and you’re a depreciating asset ( because why buy a 30 year old when you can buy a 20 year old ). I don’t know though. Maybe there are enough wealthy old men to go around. My main concern would be the pension as boring as that sounds … are you just keeping your fingers crossed that a big payout comes your way ?

Prostitution is famously the only career where you start at the top and work your way down.

It's absolutely your business. As long as you both are happy and having a good time, you can keep your relationship going. At the same time, expecting everyone else, especially his children, to get it and be non judgemental, is expecting too much. Of course people will have negative things to say. Of course his children are unlikely to completely ignore the age gap and fully accept you. Whether or not they are worried about their inheritance is a separate matter. They will feel uncomfortable with this situation. What does your partner feel about this? Have they said anything to him?
While you can enjoy your relationship, it would be naive to expect every single person to get on board. Perhaps keep the details of your relationship private and share only as much as needed and only with those who you trust or feel won't judge you.

Interesting read. Thank you
X

Do you still work
I wish I had the sense you have when I was your age slay queen

I’m 29. Until last year I worked in an office job earning just under £100k. I wasn’t struggling, but equally I wasn’t exactly living the life I wanted either.

I'm not sure I understand. Did you give up your job? If you did that's crazy.

As to your question, you're both adults so I guess it's not really anyone's business what you do. But since you asked, I think it's nuts to throw away your best years on a man twice your age. You say you weren't living the life you wanted before. Is this the life you want, now? Being basically a kept woman?